So basically...yeah..

I am kinda just moody right now.. I feel like I have not made any changes in my weight at all. I know I have lost an inch on my waist and that made me happy. But I just feel fat. I mean, I am fat, no doubt about that. I know people use curvy or thick to replace fat but I feel fat. I am fat. I feel like all the work I have done these past few months isn't working. I am doing a two week homemade drink that is also supposed to help get rid of front stomach fat and I am like "I see no change" but it has only been since this past Sunday so that isn't a long time, especially when it is supposed to be for two weeks. But I am tried of trying and trying and not really seeing a change. I have to work out at home because I can't go to the gym yet and I am just tired of not being able to use the equipment I want to the most and I know that there I will do better because I am not just working with what I have at home.
I am tired of looking in the mirror and being grossed out because I still have fat. I am tired of being this big. And I am trying and trying.
I get so stressed out when I am forced to miss a day of work out because I know that I will gain whatever little bit I lost back. That I won't start up the next day. It will turn into "I'll do it tomorrow" and that will last forever and I will turn into a whale. I am so extremely tired of it.

I am so tired of being overweight and struggling to lose it, the weight. To be happy. I want to be confident in a bikini and wear whatever clothes I want and be proud of myself. But I am struggling and I have worked hard but I am trying to see how I will lose the weight. Or when. Will I be fat forever? I don't want to! And I hate right now. That moment when you just hate yourself and can't look at yourself because you are so grossed out by your own body.

I have hated myself so much before that I was just sitting there looking at myself and I started scratching at my arms because no matter how badly I wanted to, I couldn't get out. It is the worst feeling hating yourself and you don't want to be yourself but you can't get out. I hate it so much.

I know I talk about body positivity but I get like this. I am not a freaking ray of happy sunshine 24/7. I am so unhappy with me and I just can't seem to fix it. I still have that stomach. The fat. The weight.  I am so so SO tired of it but it won't go away. I am doing everything I can to get rid of it and it is the worst thing because it won't go away.

I know this turned into a rant and whatever and I am sorry. If it stressed you out, sorry. Wouldn't be the first time I told someone something personal and they got so stressed out they flipped and just got weird. So if you can't emotionally handle it, sorry. I'm just frustrated and I hate myself. If you hate your body I am sure you understand what I am talking about and I know I am rambling but I feel like crap and I just want to lose it. I am so unhappy and stressed right now. I usually love my body but I am so hating it right now.

So yeah..sorry. I am sure you were expecting a happy, go lucky post on something or Aidan Turner or something.

Welcome to the rant.