Date: November 21st
Time: 5:30pm
Location: Home
Mood: Near death
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Albert Einstein struggled to find a job after graduating from college. J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter books were rejected by publishers dozens of times. Pablo Picasso had dyslexia. Michael Jordan won six championships despite his ADHD.

If they could do all that, then Y/n could walk outside!

At least, that was the mantra she continually repeated in her head to force herself out the door.

As happy as Jimin and the prospect of seeing him made her, Y/n (at the moment) wouldn't mind dying.

It already felt like she was. The sweat accumulating in her palms. The nervous nausea bubbling in her stomach. The way she couldn't stop fidgeting around. Every minute or so she'd re-check her reflection in the mirror and each time she was convinced someone had hit her with the ugly stick.

Besides the feeling that her stomach was going to drop to her toes at any minute, the first problem she faced was the internal battle of whether she should dress up or not.

This wasn't a date. Jimin never said anything about a date yet this situation felt like it could be registered under that word. They both knowingly liked each other and he asked to meet her under the first snow. It was painfully obvious to everyone, including her, what he was planning to say. She wanted to hear it. She wanted to say it again. She wanted to be normal and date a guy she liked and be casual about it like everyone else.

Not for the first time her mind strayed back to the business card for the therapist Hyuna had given her.

Never mind that she needed it, Y/n didn't want to do therapy. For the time being she hid the card away in her desk drawer under a stack of notebooks. Every now and then when she was alone, she would pull it out and just stare. It never moved, never changed. The words and numbers had been burned into her retinas until she could recite them. There were a lot of things that confused her but the most perplexing of all was why she couldn't throw this scrap of card stock away. It seemed important to keep it, though the idea of tackling her problems head on was more than a little daunting.

Rather than face her issues it was easier to hide the card away, lock her feelings up and refuse to confront them.

And that did the trick. Feelings locked up and gone forever! Now the world was set right as rain.

...now go back and read that in a sarcastic tone.

Now that she was at a possible turning point in her life, she wondered. Would things be different if she had taken that help? Would she be able to tackle these moments of uncertainty and cowardice? Thinking of it that way didn't help. She was in a hole of her own digging. There was no going back and changing the past.

As of this moment she had to be brave, needed to find that confidence she had last night, had to push through the invisible barriers holding her back. With that thought, she was ready..‪.ready...For her date. Although she would like to lie to herself and swear that it wasn't a date, it was. The first one she'd ever had.‬

‪A date. ‬

‪She was going to throw up. ‬

‪Three times she turned around and went back into the main entrance of the apartment building. Inside, every insecurity screamed at her to stay put. This was stupid. She didn't deserve it. Jimin wouldn't be in her life forever so why should she try to hold on? This life, in her case, was meant to be a punishment for being so useless. Happy dates and skipping hearts were meant for everyone but her. Not her. Never her. ‬

‪But each time her inner voice yelled out every one of her faults, she grew more stubborn. Why didn't she deserve this? even Hitler had a love life. Was she worse than Hitler? How come it was her sperm donor's abandonment that decided what she deserved? Jimin said she was brighter than the sun and had a beautiful heart. Maybe his words should mean more because he was actually here and hadn't given up on her...yet. ‬

‪Either way she was doomed to be alone. With that thought, she forcefully moved her shaky legs forward to the agreed meeting spot. ‬

‪Still, she was going to barf.‬

‪Ten minutes earlier than the time they'd agreed upon, she was surprised to find Jimin already there. Blond hair freshly crimped and plump lips a natural pink hue, she was nearly bowled over by his handsomeness. ‬

‪Somehow he'd become more attractive since the previous day and as much as it drove her anxiety higher, she wasn't going to complain. Instead she would wonder why he was bothering to waste his time with someone like her. ‬

"Hi."

Jimin couldn't believe it was actually happening. As agreed, Y/n came out when he asked her to. Head bowed and taking timid steps in his direction, she uttered a soft hello when close.

His heart flopped over and began to melt away as she approached. Everything was right. His soul mate liked him, admitted that she liked him, and he was ready to confess as well. The fact that she wore the same fluffy, white sweater she had the day they met was just icing on the cake.

Eyes flickered his way, a touch of concern and a wave of anxiety swarming within. He had failed to reply to her greeting, too tongue tied at the sight of her.

"My marshmallow. I missed you." The words were accompanied by a cloud created by his breath. It was a testament to how cold it was outside but neither were bothered by the temperature at the moment.

As usual her cheeks were a warm, rosy color. A quick once-over was sent his way as she took in his own outfit. Initially it had been all black—sunglasses, turtleneck, leather jacket, jeans and boots. Seokjin had put an end to that, claiming that he looked like a mafia.

At the comment he had swapped out the black undershirt for a white one and added an extra yellow and plaid one on top of that. Y/n didn't say anything about gangsters or look afraid, so he mentally gave himself a pat on the back.

"M-me too." He barely caught the words she had mumbled under her breath. By the way she refused to look at him he knew that this wasn't an easy admission for her to voice and therefore adjusted his gaze elsewhere so that she could calm down.

Still with his eyes on a distant object that wasn't anywhere near her vicinity, he held a hand, palm up under her nose.

"My hand hurts. Can you hold it for me?"

Surprisingly, there wasn't a second of hesitation before she slipped her own palm into his and gently gripped it.

He wasn't going to do a happy dance. He wasn't. He wasn't!

"Yes!" He couldn't help it.

Y/n giggled, effectively shutting his wolf up mid-sigh. Slowly Jimin turned his gaze back to her in hopes of catching sight of her happy face. It was a rarity but always made his day. Simultaneously they looked to their joined hands, a smile playing on each of their faces before they made eye contact and another was exchanged between them, before both looked in opposite directions donning matching red cheeks.

There was a hundred percent chance of snow in the evening and the sky was showing the telltale signs of what was to come. Thick, grey clouds blotted out the setting sun, causing the street lights to flicker on and illuminate the rush hour traffic on their way home.

The sidewalk was busy, the foot traffic seemingly just as heavy as the other on the road. Their conjoined hands swung lightly back and forth as they made their way along. No conversation was necessary at this point, the couple content to experience this first step into romance, a first for the both of them.

Content, but at the same time, awkward. Worried they would say the wrong thing, messing everything up and bordering dehydration if Y/n's palms didn't stop sweating.

But it was fine! Love was in the air!

Along with a restrained tension and your everyday pollution.

"Where ar-are we going?" Y/n inquired after they'd made their way through a large group of people.

"Not sure," he answered honestly. "I couldn't stop thinking about you and I was so excited about today that I didn't consider where I would take you..."

"Oh." She didn't bother to hide the smile his words produced. It was relieving to know that he was looking forward to seeing her like she usually did when seeing him. Especially after last night. Although he had made it clear and obvious that he liked her as well, old insecurities didn't disappear with a notion or a few words.

The temperature outside was freezing but with his hand clasped in her own, she was warm. Those sparks, once so alarming, were a comfort and a happy place. Like the first time he had held her like this, along with skin contact there was indescribable feeling that blanketed her.

The sparks were one thing. That, she concluded, could be attributed the dopamine released when her brain detected something pleasurable. This was her first experience in romance, but that explanation made sense. The pounding of her heart was the adrenaline. As was the first stage of the science of love, the first dubbed 'lust'. The second was attraction, the third: attachment.

Science was what she relied on. That was her life and her dream. Sometimes humans were wrong and they read science incorrectly. But it was concrete. It unraveled the unexplainable. From life to growth to death and to love. Science was the key to understanding and it wasn't wrong. She refused to believe so.

But there was something about this science that she couldn't understand. The chemicals the human brain released were what gave you tingles and goosebumps when a loved one touched you. It was what made you smile, created happiness and made you feel invincible.

What it did not do, was make her feel like a complete person. Not from holding a hand. Her heart had been busted to pieces a long time ago, there was no putting that back together. Yet right now, next to a Jimin and sharing the simplest bit of contact made her feel like she'd been reborn, like she was worthy and as if this was where she was meant to be all along.

The tsunami of emotion and sparks alike confused and intimidated her. Along with it, an unmoving and harsh stubbornness came from no where and settled. She was tired, she wanted to push back. For the first time in a long time she wanted to fight those mean insecurities that plagued her inside. Why was it that everyone else got to be happy and she didn't?

Even if her sperm donor had determined her to be useless, why did she have to consent to that? Why couldn't she be happy? There were lots of other people who were much worse than her and they lived their lives how they wanted. For years she'd spent too long berating herself up over it and for what?

The determination that her life and feelings were worthless had been buried too far down to be easily unearthed, but that wasn't what she wanted.

She wanted to fight. For happiness, for a better life, for an answer to the science of her brain and why it told her she was useless. This had always been a wish of hers but it wasn't until now that she felt like it was attainable. And all it took was a crescent eyed smiled and a gentle hand.

Without knowing it, her palm tightened around his.

After some time they found a stall selling hot chocolate and ended up standing in line. They weren't the only couple there, under the cloudy sky, noses tingling with the cold but hearts beating in content. But they were the only ones that couldn't keep their eyes off one another.

A quick sweep of her eyes up to his face might have gone unnoticed on a regular day. Today was different. Every move they made was noted by the other, each expression and muscle twitch scrutinized to the nth degree. They shared the first date jitters and the excitement in equal measure. Scared but too happy to fall victim to it.

Today she didn't feel bashful or intimidated by his gaze and she had to wonder if it had something to do with the fact that he hadn't let go of her hand once. The firm grip gave her strength and encouraged her to keep going. Like magic, if she believed in such a thing.

His lips...she'd always been envious of how plump and...pretty they were. The jawline from ear to chin was sharp, but with a subtle curve that she caught onto. Their gazes met and he smiled at being caught staring. She'd almost forgotten about his crooked tooth. It was an imperfection to an otherwise flawless face but she liked it and hoped it wasn't something he was insecure about. At the flash of a dimple on his right cheek she flushed and looked away. It wasn't so long ago that his constant staring made her uncomfortable. Now the tables had turned and she was beginning to understand why it had been so hard for him to stop.

"Where are you from? Did you grow up here?" As the line moved forward and there was one less person in front of them, he asked in an attempt to get a conversation rolling and to get to know her better. There was a million and one questions he wanted to ask but he held himself back and went for the safest one.

"No, o-originally I'm from Busan but we moved here when m-my mom remarried."

Heart lighting up, he wondered if this was the reason she smelled like the ocean. "Me too! But my family moved to this pack when I was really little."

"Pack?" she blinked in curiosity, bringing forth a panic in him at realizing his slip up.

"City!" he chuckled nervously. "I don't know why I said pack...how odd."

How odd indeed. For her, it was another moment to file into the 'Jimin and other things that don't make sense' folder. A collection of notes and tidbits she would save to ask Mr Google later on.

"You...you live w-with your dad?" she questioned while hoping that wasn't as lame of a question as she thought it to be.

"I do now. For a while I lived with my friends."

"How come?"

"After my mom died, my dad...he wasn't...ok. I guess you could say he was emotionally unavailable. I couldn't grieve with someone who wanted to stay in grief. We didn't have a support system between the both of us so...it was more healthy for me to be somewhere else."

"I'm sorry, Jimin." she expressed. Tears stung at the back of her eyes and she wasn't sure why. But the thought of Jimin hurting so much made her feel depressed and helpless.

"It's better now." he reassured. "We've come a long way."

The couple ahead of them got the hot drink they came for. Now their turn, they moved forward and ordered.

Pulling out his wallet and handing over cash was a bit awkward considering he only used one hand. He refused to let go of hers. More than once she tried to slip away so that he could access his money. Each escape attempt was ignored and unheeded.

Once he managed to get the money to the unamused teenager on the other side of the stand, he sent her a cheeky grin as though to dare her to try again.

She didn't.

"Y-your friends you lived with, w-what are they like?" She asked it mostly to get him to stop smiling so flirtatiously. People were looking. Didn't he know that their eyes would burn holes right through her?

It wasn't completely successful but he relented for the most part, pulling her back to stroll the sidewalk when they finally both had a cup of hot chocolate in their free hands.

"Let's see...first there's Jin-hyung. He's like our mom, but never call him that. Last time I did he hit me over the head with a sack of potatoes." he shuddered and it had nothing to do with the cold. "But...We would all be dead if it weren't for him. He always makes sure we're eating and sleeping and taking care of ourselves." he informed, completely missing the way she hung onto his every word.

"Second is," he sucked in a breath and sighed, "Yoongi-hyung. He only likes music and his cat. Secretly he's very caring and watches over us as much as Jin-hyung does. Third is Namjoon-hyung, you already met him. He's a really hard worker and he's super smart! But sometimes he's really clumsy, even with his words. He—sorry, you didn't want to hear this much."

"I do!" she replied quickly. Getting to know him was a desire she had held in for a while, and hearing him talk so much was an added bonus. His voice was like warm caramel on a popsicle. Warm, sweet, addicting and it made her insides feel like melting.

His eyes turned to crescents and he smiled in response to her eagerness. "Then, if you're sure," he cast her a sideways glance and sipped on his beverage. "Fourth is Hoseok-hyung. He's the alph-I mean," he corrected, confusing her, "he's our sunshine. He's very passionate and can always brighten your day. He goes to the same university as I do because he wants to be like Sherlock Holmes."

Her eyes widened and that was the only sign she gave of how much she wanted to meet this Hoseok guy. Sherlock Holmes was already awesome enough but when she watched the BBC version of it, she fell in love all over again. Benedict Cumberbatch was not your conventional type of handsome, but Y/n had still held a type of crush on him. She thought that was better left unsaid. She didn't want to stir up Jimin's allergy problem again.

"Then there's Tae Tae, or Taehyung. You met him before," he cringed at that memory. "He's my best friend. He's kind of...weird though."

"How so?"

"Well...he says that chimpanzees are his rival. And he used to sleep with a pen in his hands. Every morning he would have ink on his face. And he named his cat, Cat. But I guess that's better than what he wanted to name our cats before."

"Which was?"

"Cat one, cat two, cat three," he said over her giggles. "We got them at the same time but thankfully his idea did not stick. Then Jungkook is the youngest. He's still in high school. He's practically our baby but like with Jin-Hyung, you can't say that to him. He...hits really hard."

As he continued on about them, Y/n made a mental note. Obviously his friends were very important to him. Usually he would be the one asking her questions, but now that role had been reversed and he couldn't stop talking about them.

It was evident, especially now as he went on to tell her of a fight he had shared with Taehyung over dumplings. The curved shape of his eyes, the short laughs that would burst out of him every few seconds, the hand gestures he attempted to make and the general happy aura in which he spoke. When he'd begun talking of his friends Jimin exuded affection and joy.

Reading people, had never been her strong suit but this was too bright to miss. They were a big part of his life and he chose to share that with her.

‪"Is there anything else you're afraid of besides spiders?" he inquired after a few moments of silence. ‬

‪Getting left behind. Disappointing those she loved. Being worthless. Everyone leaving and never coming back. "I don't like being alone." she settled on and Jimin shared that he was the same in that aspect. "W-what about you?"‬

‪His hand flexed in hers as he cast her a glance before uttering in a voice laced with vulnerability, "that you're going to say no."‬

‪Again, whatever magic was building her confidence just from his touch alone allowed her enough courage to meet his eyes and reply. "I won't."‬

—
Edited 7/30/22