First, once again that day, he felt dizzy.  Khaotung's voice sounded calm and very professional, as if he hadn't just been involved in a massive crash that sent his car crashing into the tire barriers surrounding the racetrack.  But First heard the wrong tone in the voice, very hard, rough, almost mean.  It hurt.  He blinked his eyes as if to make sure he had really heard it.

“What?”

“We talked about it.  Later, now I have to go to the hospital for a checkup.  I'll explain when I get back.  Go away”.

First had the impression that Kao was ashamed of him, his voice sounded very rough, almost arrogant.  Hurt and saddened, he backed away and walked very slowly towards the Ferrari garage.  He intended to take his backpack from there and return to the hotel.  He felt rejected and unwanted.

"As always.  I should have remembered that to him I would always be nothing.  As for everyone.  Why was I even mad?  Hamilton is some nut who talks about vampires, thinks he's a wizard and keeps human blood in the fridge?!  Brrrr!  Just thinking about it gives me shivers!  No, it's time to get out of here.  I'm going back to Bangkok, there's nothing here for me and they don't want me here anyway."

Thinking like this, he entered the garage, collected his things, said goodbye to his boss, apologizing to him and saying that he needed rest.

"What did I do in my past life to deserve so much suffering?"

He was used to people disrespecting him, he was used to his parents calling him a nut.  He remembered how one evening when he came home for a few days, feeling overwhelmed by school, he just wanted to talk to his parents.  He went to them, although he was afraid to talk to them, he couldn't convince himself at all that it was a good idea.  Nevertheless, he told them that he had come because he was not feeling well.

“You're only fit for a psychiatric ward,” his mother said contemptuously.  He couldn't look at her, her words hurt and made him feel even worse.  “You're not going to finish any school, you're useless.”

“But Mom...” Calling this woman "mom" was extremely difficult for him. The word barely passed his throat.

“You bring us nothing but shame. Pack up and go back to where you came from”.

His mother was saying something else, but he screamed at the top of his lungs, covering his ears with his hands so as not to hear anything else.  He didn't know that his brother was watching him from a safe distance, he didn't know that the boy clenched his hands into fists and wanted to come out to help him.  All he wanted was for his mother to shut up, not to speak again.  In a fit of barely controlled anger, he grabbed the largest of the knives on the table and held it out to her.

“A freak, a real freak. You want, I can call them to pick you up.”  She said in a cold voice, and First realized that the woman wasn't afraid of him for a moment, rather she looked like she was having a great time provoking him.

Fourth could no longer stand idly by and watch the scene.  He entered the kitchen, took the knife from First and gently pushed him out of the room.

“Let's go, we shouldn't waste our nerves for her, you won't get along with her anyway”.  He whispered softly in English, knowing that their mother did not know the language.  Fourth sometimes wondered how a woman so educated and well-read, a teacher, could behave this way.  Before he left, he turned to the woman and said. “You know what?  We are ashamed to have you as a mother.  You should have put us both in an orphanage if you didn't want us.”

And they left, leaving her alone.  She didn't seem to regret what she said.  Fourth took First to the apartment he shared with his boyfriend NuNew that evening.  When they got there, New was already waiting for them, prepared a delicious dinner for both of them, and then disappeared, understanding that he should let the brothers spend some time together.  From then on, First knew he had at least two sincere people to rely on: his brother, Fourth, and his boyfriend, New Chawarin.  The situation with Kao reminded him of everything bad that had happened in his life.  And he wanted so much to believe that he had finally found someone who might be able to understand him.  He was ashamed of how easily he was provoked, especially how easily he was in front of his mother.  She made him unable to accept himself, made him feel inferior to others, deficient, made him lose a lot of weight in the last few months, feeling disgusted every time he looked at himself in the mirror.  He didn't know that he was ugly only to himself, he didn't realize that many people looked at him because he was so handsome, not because he disgusted them.  And he didn't understand why someone so famous and popular, who had almost everything, would be interested in a zero like him.  He knew he should be grateful for what he got, that it was way more than he deserved, and yet he suffered when Tung pushed him away.

He couldn't explain why it hurt him so much.  Instead of being relieved that Tung was okay, he felt despair.  Tung sounded as if he was chasing him away, as if he wanted to get rid of him.

When First was at a sufficient distance from the track, he finally allowed himself to shed tears of helplessness.  So he had been deceived again, someone had played with his feelings again, someone he had unwittingly trusted, despite the fact that he had told himself many times in his mind that no one should be trusted.

The hotel was very close.

He dropped his backpack on the floor next to the desk where he sat down, turning on his laptop, where he immediately began searching for plane tickets to Bangkok.  Much to his frustration, all the flights to the capital of his home country had left that day, which meant he was trapped here for at least one more day.  He sighed heavily and booked a one-way ticket for one person for the next day, then closed his laptop, took his pajamas out of his suitcase, and headed for the shower, where he let his emotions out, slamming his clenched fist hard against the bright tiles in front of him.

How could he be so stupid and naive?  He was so worried, so scared, and Tung treated him like garbage, like a toy that he had grown bored with and was now bothering.  He hadn't felt so humiliated in a long time, in front of the whole world.  Returning to the hotel, he checked Twitter, which was already full of posts about this race.  Most of the fans wrote about how happy they were to see that Khaotung and Max were unharmed, some debated who was to blame, but there were also people who retweeted short videos of First  he hugs Khaotung and he pushes him away.

Hamfan44: hey who's that?  – asked one of the users, who had a portrait of Lewis Hamilton surrounded by the flag of Brazil in his profile picture.

Khaotungthebest: probably his friend - Someone else replied.

Cutieocon: and I think it's just one of his associates.

Milliexd: impossible, I think it's Khaotung's boyfriend

Alexannexoxo: Then we have to find out who it is, he's handsome, I wouldn't be surprised if he was our Khao's boyfriend.

Brownbrown: tanawatt is a fag?  Formula 1 is going to the dogs!

Alexannexoxo: if you don't have anything smart to say, then stay silent @brownbrown!  Also, you spelled his name wrong, it's Thanawat not Tanawatt.

Brownbrown: @alexannexoxo whatever if he's gay he doesn't deserve respect or spell his name correctly

Alexannexoxo: are you sure you're fine?  Because you have a fever.  People like you should be banned from using the internet forever.

Milliexd: @ alexannexoxo don't worry about this brainless troll, he's not worth paying attention to, he's happy when someone replies to him, it's best we ignore him

First didn't read any further, knowing that the more he read, the guiltier he would feel.  At that moment, only one idea came to his mind: to tell Fourth.

His younger brother, Fourth Nattawat, has made no secret of the fact that he likes both girls and boys since he had been living alone in his own apartment, which he tricked his parents into claiming he needed something closer to his school.  However, he only introduced his current boyfriend to First, being too afraid of his parents' reaction.  First knew that his younger brother was the leader in this field, he was braver, more outspoken, although not too loud, open and, above all, he was not afraid of failure, even if something didn't work out, he tried not to worry about it and see the good in it sides. Now only he could understand him, so after taking a shower and brushing his teeth, he went back to his room and dialed Fourth's number.

The young man picked up very quickly.

“Why are you calling at such a strange time? Shouldn't you be at the race right now?  I guess it's not over yet?”  He greeted him with a torrent of words from nong Fourth.  First smiled, but that smile disappeared very quickly.

“Just got back from it, Tung doesn't seem to want me there.”

Fourth knew from the tone of his brother's voice that something was wrong.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“That's why I'm calling. Tell me, how could I have been such an idiot to trust him?”

“Can you start from the beginning?  Because I get the impression that you're talking from the inside or the end, so I don't understand anything”.

First sighed heavily.

“Didn't you watch the race?”

“I couldn't, New asked me to rehearse with him, you know I like to practice with him.  And what happened?”

“Tung had an accident.”

“Oh my!  Everything's all right?  Is he okay?  I hope it wasn't dangerous”.

“It just looked terrible, but I think he's okay.  You know what's the worst?  I was so fucking scared for him!  My heart almost stopped when I saw his car go up.  I was so scared!  Anything could have happened!  And when I went to give him a hug, he pushed me away.  He acted like he was ashamed of me, and then I looked on Twitter and... and...”

Here First's voice broke.  Again, both the accident and what happened next flashed before his eyes.

“First... Do you know how much I'd like to be with you right now? But I still don't understand everything.”

“Well, because ... Well, because they filmed us and ... and this video got on Twitter ... And all these comments ... Tell me, why in this world can't you even hug your friend without being judged?”

“I don't know, but that's the reason why I don't want New out. He says: no problem with that, but I know people.  Please think about it from Khaotung's side.  He's famous, right?  And his career also depends on his image, so he has to be careful what he does.  For us, hugging someone is a way of showing them our support, but a lot of people see it differently.  Don't be mad at Khaotung, I'm sure he had a reason to push you away, and you're not naive, you just really want to trust someone, you have a good heart and that's where your problems come from.  Don't worry.  Wait for him, talk calmly, I'm sure you'll figure it out.

First thought again in his life that maybe he was unlucky when it came to parents, but he got the best brother in the world.  Fourth never judged him, and if he criticized him, it was only to show him the right way.  First always believed that his little brother was much smarter than him and therefore never worried about him, he just knew that whatever happened, Fourth could handle it.  Even now, he sounded very reasonable.  Embarrassed by how hot he was, First confessed that he had already bought a ticket to Thailand.

“Okay, First, you're my brother and I love you, but sometimes I really want to punch you in the head”.  Fourth laughed.

“Blah blah” First rolled his eyes, imagining that if Fourth were actually next to him right now, maybe he would actually hit him, not hard, more as a joke, but he was glad that they were miles apart anyway.

“I think we need to work on how fast you can make bad decisions”.

“Yes, Dad”.

They talked for more than an hour, until the door of the room opened and Khaotung stood there.  His right arm was in a cast.  He looked at First with saddened eyes.  First said goodbye to Fourth, hung up and ran to his friend.

“Tung?  How do you feel?  Can I get you something?  Would you like some tea?  Or I'll make you your favorite cappuccino”.

“First... Stop! Let me breathe!”

“I'm so terribly sorry!  I shouldn't have run out like that and hugged you without thinking!  I didn't think they would record us!  Sorry!”

Khaotung, seeing how shaken First was, walked over to him and hugged him as much as possible with his cast on his arm.  Tears flowed from First's eyes again.

“I'm sorry...” He whispered again, and Kao stroked his back with his free hand.

“You didn't do anything wrong, and our team has already taken care of it.  Don't worry”.

“B-But Twitter and all these people, they…”

“Don't think about them.  They'd find some reason to hate me anyway.  You're not to blame and neither am I, we can't influence what other people think of us, and the most important thing to me is what you think”.

“I'm sorry,” First repeated just in case, then moved away from Kao and helped him sit on the couch.  “So... What?  Cappuccino?”

“Sure, I'd love to.”

First shuffled into the small kitchen with which he was already well acquainted.  He set out two cups, prepared the espresso machine, and made them both Khaotung's favorite drink.  When he returned, he found Kao stretched out comfortably on the couch, scrolling through something on his phone.

“Does it hurt a lot?”

“A bit.  The doctors say I was very lucky, if not for the halo system, I might be dead by now”.

“The halo system...” For First, combining those words into one sentence with the word "dead" brought back memories of a catastrophic accident that had once occurred in Japan. “Do you think it would help Jules? Would it save his life?”

His voice shook, the memory still haunting him.  It was a race he had only watched once and never wanted to watch again.

“I don't think he'll help him.” Kao seemed to read his mind. “Jules drove under the crane pulling Adrian's car off the track, the halo can take a lot, but would it be able to protect Jules?  I don't know and probably never will”.

“Can't you simulate it and check it?”

“Simulations like this led to the introduction of halo, but the system still has its opponents.  You see?  This is another great example of how people can have different opinions.  And you have to let them”.

“How is it?”

“The halo system, as well as the HANS system, are very useful and helpful, thanks to them you can avoid serious injuries and even death, and yet both still have opponents and people who will think that it is not necessary at all, but it is not them  risk their lives on racetracks, it's not them, so there's no point in listening to them either.  Only those who are affected should speak out.  It's the same with us.  Some people will never accept me for who I am, some people will always think that I don't deserve to be in Ferrari or even in Formula 1, but I can't think about it all the time, it would destroy my dreams and  perhaps even stopped me in place, and I want to move forward.  No meaningful conclusions can be drawn from their opinions, so why bother?”

“Yeah, but your sponsors might think otherwise.”

“Then I don't need such sponsors.  I might as well find others and they know it, so they won't dare to officially go against me even if I post on Instagram tomorrow that I'm gay.”

“You wouldn't.”

“Don't provoke me, you know I hate to lose.”

“I know”.

They sipped their drinks in silence for a while, throwing puzzled glances at each other from time to time, when suddenly First put down his almost-empty mug a little too loudly and enthusiastically on the table in front of them.

“I know!  Your arm is broken, so you can't work right now, right?”

“Theoretically yes, but...”

“No buts, I'll take you home, to my home.”

“The one where I spent a few days when I was in Bangkok?”

“To the same.  What do you think?”

“Okay, I just need to ask my team, you know, they might need me for something here locally”.

“I doubt it.  Whatever they need you for, you can always do it online.  Fly with me, please.”..