July 2017~

Dear Diary,

Yes this shit again. A lot has happened ever since I graduated. So many things have changed for me. As much as I am pleased that I finally left that pathetic life of crap of highschool I went to, I miss it.

I miss him.

A month has passed. In the process of time I precisely got my own actual phone today. My mom passed down her phone to Steve but what do I care. I have my OWN phone. The first thing I did with my new phone was put Juan's number. I didn't care about any other number but his. We send photos of each others and video chat as much as we can. My life has been prefect ever since he came into my life. Even if I was meant to be 'the other girl'.

Meanwhile, I also got a job. My interview SUCKED but even with how bad it was, they hired me. They understood it was my first time and picked me for the job. Now I'm sitting eight hours in front of a computer typing. Not my ideal job but it will have to do. I just wanted to work so I could get out from the house. Believe it or not, it is depressing and infuriating always have to see my brother obsessing over that how and making my family fight over each other only because we want the best for each other. Not only that but it gets tiring and lonesome being in your room for days without seeing the sun and always staring at blank white walls. Even so I just painted them green, it was still boring just being in the house. I wanted to work where Juan worked though. Sadly my parents didn't allow me so I chose plan B.

Now I'm sitting in a desk typing client's information into my computer. Lame I know but in the bright side I made a friend. His name is Jimmy and well he appeared out of nowhere...

"Hey Dani."

I closed my journal and hid it in my purse when I heard my name.

"Hi Jimmy." I smiled.

I was in the break room when he came inside with an empty cup. He walked over to the counter to the coffee machine and poured himself coffee in his cup.

The first time we met was exactly in the break room. I was in my phone reading when he just came out of nowhere and said he liked my glasses. He was also happy because he wasn't the only nerd in the building. I mentally laughed as I remembered.

"Hey so I wanted to ask you a question." He quickly took a seat in front of me.

"Sure what is it?" I tilted my head to the side.

"I was wondering if you would like to go out for lunch tomorrow." He nervously adjusted his glasses.

"M-m-me?" I stammered.

"Yes you." He laughed.

I started to fidget with the strap of my purse and bit my bottom lip.

What do I say? What do I say?

The guy wasn't bad looking that I have to admit and he was super friendly towards me but...

But Juan.

I mean I know I wasn't dating him or anything but deep down I felt somewhat wrong to be going out with a guy.

"S-sure." I finally replied.

"Great!" He smiled. "See you tomorrow for lunch then."

August 10, 2017~

Dear Dairy,

Yeah yeah yeah whatever. Screw you. Anyways one month later. Time sure loves to fly by. Juan called today during my lunch date with Jimmy. This one was our fourth one. I ignored Juan though. I've been really happy with Jimmy. We are JUST friends though. The guy is thirty one so he is wayyyy out my league. Still we can be friends. I've been smiling and laughing more than ever. I've been having many adventures with Jimmy during our lunches. The first time we went together we went to a Vietnamese restaurant. I'm really picky and I mean really picky with my food. I did my best to swallow my food and impress Jimmy. Ah good times I'm having fun today. It's my dad's birthday and thanks to Jimmy I got his present.

My to-go-unfinished-lunch. XD 

Buzz buzz.

I placer my journal on my nightstand and pulled out my phone from under my pillow. Juan was calling me. And like always I quickly answer his calls.

"Hey sexy."

"Hey cutie." I whispered.

"Why you whispering?"

"My family is asleep and I "should" be sleeping as well."

"Oh well fuck them I want to talk to you so talk louder."

I gritted my teeth and threw my blankets over me.

"So I spoke to Victoria," he went.

"And?" I rolled my eyes even so I knew he couldn't see me.

"And I'm thinking of breaking up with her. I feel like she is cheating me. She doesn't talk to me no more like she used to. Its just hi and bye and that's all. Good thing I have you as my backup."

"....."

That's all we talk about. Victoria here and Victoria there. Every time he calls me is because his girlfriend doesn't attend him so that's when he looks for me. I've been player his lover for a while now and to be honest I enjoyed it for a while being the second girl but now....

Now I feel used.

September 2017,

Dear Dairy,

I'm here. Again. I drew Juan today. I don't know why but I did. I drew every single detail of his face. I can't help it but to stare at his face and trace the drawing. I love him. I love him so much that I'm afraid. I've been there for him every second he calls me or text me. Heck I'm always there for him. I bet he doesn't see that about me. He keeps saying he is going to leave Victoria but he never does. I'm still his lover. And deep down I wish she was actually cheating on him so I can have him.

What the fuck is wrong with me????

Buzz buzz.

I placed my journal to the side and quickly answered Juan's call.

It's been two days that he hasn't called me. He used to call me every single day and we would talk on the phone for hours but lately... Lately it hasn't been the same.

"Hey sexy."

"Hey cutie." I sighed.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

"I....I have a question."

"Yes?"

"What's wrong with me?"

"What do you mean Dani?"

"I mean what is wrong with me? Why do the guys always leave me or why don't I get chosen?"

"Are you on your period?"

"...."

What the fuck?

I was about to hang up on him when he started to laugh.

"I'm kidding babe. I'm just messing with you. Well to be honest I don't know why. You are an incredible girl. You're beautiful, smart, sweet, nice, gentle, and over all caring. You're lovely Danielle. I love you."

"I love you too."

And just like that I'm once again head over heels for him.

October 24, 2017~

12:00am

Dear Dairy,

It's my birthday today.

You know time really is going too fast for my liking. I remember when I turned fifteen and next thing I know it I'm finally nineteen. It scares the shizz outta me to be honest. Today I had the day off at work and Jimmy took me out. He quit the job last month and now I'm alone. Well not alone just that I'm the youngest at work so its hard to make friends when everyone is twenty six and above. Anyways I spent the whole day with Jimmy. We ate at Merlyn's family taco stand and then he took me to a place where there was a goat and a pig. I pet a cat too! Best birthday I ever had to be honest. I had fun today. My parents like Jimmy. I'm surprised they even let me go out with him. He is the first guy to ever confront my parents and actually stay. Unlike Joe who met my parents only to never appear ever again. But who cares about that mother flower. A few days ago Merlyn told me he saw him at Walmart and said he was actually good looking. I just laughed. I'm surprised he is even alive. I legit forgot about him.

"Hey."

"Hey?" I frowned.

"What you doing?"

"Nothing."

"Oh."

"And you?" I asked.

"Die you fucking bastard leave my horses alone!"

"...."

"Oh shit dragon after me! Shit shit shit!"

"...."

"I'm going to kill you, you mother fucker!"

"...."

"That's right bend over for daddy bitch!"

I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath. He is playing his Xbox like always....Always paying more attention to his game than me.

"Hey sexy you still there?"

"Yes..."

"I love you."

"Love you too." I mentally groaned.

Once again he started to play his game.

"Hey can I tell you something?" I asked.

Ten minutes later he finally spoke.

"Yeah sure hun anything."

"I had a guy after me but I rejected him. Met him in an app called Wattpad. He barely met me and he was in love with me the next. Hahaha it was crazy man. I spent twelve hours texting him non stop and he wouldn't leave me alone. He was obsessed with me. At the end we just became somewhat friends that's all. The funny thing was that this app is for reading and writing not dating and shizz. But to be honest I rejected him because well I'm with you. I feel like I can't be with anyone because it's only you who I see. Do you think I'm doing the right thing rejecting other guys just for you?"

"Uh.....yeah sweetie cool story. Shit dragon blew up my village hahaha want to know the secret to defeating the elves in this game I'm playing?"

"......"

"Dani you there?"

"Yes... "

"So basically all you have to do is...."

Blah blah blah blah blah....

"Dude enough!" I rose my voice.

That's it I have had it!

"Fuck Dani you okay???"

"No. I'm. Not."

"What's wrong?"

"You are." I ran my hand through my hair and got under my covers. "You don't listen to me no more." I went back to whispering.

"I do listen sweetie."

"No you don't. I'm fed up lacking sleep all the time just to be hearing you okay your stupid game or you talking all the time about your girlfriend. What do I have to do so you can treat me like when we were back in the school?"

I could hear him the background turning off his game.

"Sorry Dani. I love you. You're right look I turned off my game and I'm here for you."

"Okay good."

"......."

"......."

"......."

"........"

"Say something please." I begged.

Better yet I wanted him to just hang up so I could sleep for crying out loud. I've been hitting my computer screen because I'm tired all the time.

"Dani I feel bad."

"Bad of what?"

"Of this. I love you. So much....to the point if I could dump Victoria, I would choose you. But I can't."

"Why not?" I could feel myself holding my breath.

"Dani listen carefully. I love you. Equally to Victoria. Victoria has been kind to me and we starting to talk again. But I love you too and well I want to have you both."

"You can't though."

"I know I can't. That's why I have to tell you this. I can't be doing this to Victoria no more. She doesn't deserve me doing this behind her back. I never meant for you to get so attached to me. I love you Dani...."

"Are you saying you don't want me as your second no more?"

"I still do. I just don't want you to get hurt when I marry her. Because you do know I am going to marry her one day right?"

"Yes..."

"Though I wish I could leave you something about me. I.....I want you Dani and I want you to be always my second. I want to be your first time."

Guys are weird. Complicated. And over all destructive. They don't know how much their words can hurt a girl. And they blame us woman for being the complicated ones....

I let out the breath I was holding in and closed my eyes.

I feel like such a desperate bitch lately.

What the hell is happening to me.

What the hell do I see in him?????

But even with all the clear signs and the mistakes that I'm being pointed at, I still do it.

Six hours later and we were on the phone in silence after the last thing he said. Every ten minutes he would remember me and only say what you doing or I love you, forgetting about the whole confession he just told me.

I WASTED six hours of my life when I could have been SLEEPING!

Though this was routine now. Every day was the same thing. And even so I hated it with a passion I was always still there for him.

November 11, 2017~

Dear Dairy,

Made Facebook today. Why?

I had a guy from Turkey who I just met in Wattpad tell me to make an account for Facebook so we could be friends. I know it was stupid idea because heck I was talking to a stranger but I was like, 'eh why not?' So I did it. Sent him a picture and for the first time I felt good about myself. I'm always too shy about revealing my face but it actually felt nice to be noticed. He was all into me so I played along. I've been bad these past few days. Like really bad. But I liked being bad. It made me feel powerful, dominant, and in control. I liked to have the men wrapped around my finger and disposing them later on. It felt great to be the heart breaker. I had legit 200 men sending me friend request. I accepted them only to play with them a few minutes and them unfriend them. I just find it hilarious how people can be such perverts in social media. I hate social media. And still do.

Heck I know I know I know....what I'm doing is just WRONG but I just want to have a little fun. I'm making so much mistakes just for the heck of it. But never would I ever thought that this one mistake could actually be my correction to everything.

My phone buzzed for a notification and I quickly swiped to check it. At first I thought it was Juan but then I realized it was Facebook. Someone sent me a friend request. I deleted everyone I had and decided best to be a good girl so lately I've been checking who I accept. I've been having to many guys being creeps and pervs. Heck I had a drunk guy sing to me and another guy without knowing me willing to conquer me and shit. I was fed up with those kind of people so I decided to actually use the social media the right way.

*Damian Hernandez sent you a friend request*

I checked his profile and decided that he was okay so I accepted him.

And from there everything changed.

A/N: YASSS me is back! xD been catching up with my life so that explains some things. This chapter was more of a filler kinda. I'm just trying to speed up some time and get to the good part xD questions and concerns please contact muah xDDD enjoy reading!