Its been  one month from being diagnosed with cancer. things haven't gotten any better. I have started to have panic attacks every night - about how I'm going to raise my son alone or how long Amber would have with us until.....you know ......yeah.

amber has started to take a lot of picture and scrap booking them for Thomas. Because he is so young, when he grows up, he isn't going to remember his mum. she wants him to remember her so, this is why she is taking so many photos. I think half of them aren't happy looking ones. the ones that have Thomas are probably the happiest one. he doesn't understand what is happening - but he is always happy to smile for a picture.

The next couple of weeks get harder an harder. I took Amber into hospital for a check up and the news was heart breaking. The cancer in her heart tissue had stopped and was now attacking the main cells in her heart. She is getting night terrors and really bad anxiety. She has started to loose a lot of weight very quickly, and she has now become scary thin. Her face is skinny and her eyes are grey, she almost never smiles anymore , she is too weak to.

A few weeks later, we were laying on the grass at the park when Amber started shaking all over. She is having a seizer. Really bad seizers were a side affect of the cancer, as well as become super skinny. She was trying with all her strength left to get something out of her bag, but she was shaking too much to do so. She couldn't speak or move, all she could do was shake. I grabbed her hand bag and found some liquid, I drew it into the syringe and squizzed it into her mouth. A few minutes passed and she was fine.  

Four days later, it was 2 in the morning and she started shaking. I woke up and asked if she was okay but there was no reply. I tried again but this time the shaking stopped. I sat up and placed my hand on her chest. SHE WASNT BREATHING!! I turned on the light as well as dialling 911. Her eyes were closed and she was a light blue colour in the face.

"911. What's your emergency?"

"My wife has rhabdomyosarcoma, she is blue and isn't breathing!"

"Hold on sir, there is an ambulance on their way. They should be there in a few minutes."

"o-okay, thank you"

a few minutes later

An ambulance arrived, bringing in a stretcher. As they were un folding it, I kissed Amber on the cheek and whispered, "everything is going to be okay. I love you" . Amber, my wife, was taken to hospital. I gathered some things together, grabbed Thomas and ran out the door and on my way to Ambers side.

when I arrived, she was on life support with a tube in her neck. "i would say your goodbyes, I don't think she will make it. I'm really sorry" a doctor told me. Amber layed there, with her eyes closed. I started to cry. "i love you Amber, now and forever, I love you". I said to her. She opened her eyes the slightest little bit, she started to move her hands over to mine. I gripped them with all my might, I didn't want to let her go. I needed her in my life, so did Thomas, he needed his mum. I sat there crying, then she whispered "I.....love....you" 

then her heart rate started to drop, and within a few minutes, she was gone. the love of my life and the mother of my child was gone.