"Maybe if my heart stops beating
It won't hurt this much
And never will I have to answer
Again to anyone

Please don't get me wrong." - Never Let This Go

----

They gave me three days.

Since the confrontation with Carter, neither of my former bandmates even began to acknowledge me, and when they did, I either got a look of anger, despair, or betrayal.

Gabriel had given me three days to stay and perform with the band. His only explanation was because the judges had announced an in-between round to eliminate one more band before finals. After I performed, I would be forced to leave.

I remember begging to stay, yelling until my voice grew sore, trying to get them to understand. But all my attempts were futile. I should have guessed that it would turn out like this; that eventually the lies and the schemes and the hiding would come to bite me in the back and have me crashing to the ground.

I remember the endless tears, the sleepless nights. I remember ignoring Blake; refusing to believe his existence was real, otherwise he would leave me too. The drummer had been calling nonstop and I made sure to leave the bus only when his own wasn't in sight. He didn't know I got kicked out. He didn't know what I had done.

Unless Carter had told him.

That, that was my biggest fear despite the inevitability of returning back to Seattle, and back to Marco. Just the thought had me shivering uncontrollably, the thought of meeting my stepfather face to face had me shaking and wishing for everything to go back to how it was before. Sometimes I would lie awake at night, and wonder how life would be like if my mother hadn't spiralled into that depression. How would life be like if on the night she died, she realized that there was so much more to life than being stuck in the past? That she had so much to live for?

I bit my lip and tried to compose myself. Wasn't I just stuck in the past then too? Marco was right. I was exactly like her.

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I blinked and suddenly I was out of my thoughts and into the real world.

All at once the sounds of the crowd cheering and yelling erupted in my ear drums, making me wince. My black outfit was stark against the contrast of everyone else's bright tanks and obnoxiously colored shorts - as the southern states were always much warmer than where I came from. I hadn't realized I was sweaty in the midday sun, the pallor of my shirt absorbing the extra heat. I dabbed at my forehead and pulled my hair up into a messy ponytail before attempting to remember where I was.

It was only when I caught sight of my band - former band now - sitting beside me in obviously tense positions did I remember. We sat in a row, from Gabriel to myself sitting last on the edge. Around us were energetic, happy individuals but the five us were stoic and impassive, unable to meet each other's gazes. I tried not to think of the fact that they were leaning off to the side, trying to get as far away from me without coming off as rude. I didn't get angry; I deserved the treatment.

The guys hadn't spoken a word to me after Gabriel had given me a deadline. Just a noncommittal grunt and a reluctant hello every once in a while. I took to sleeping on the makeshift couch by the windows on the bus, just so they wouldn't feel uncomfortable around me. Blake would call every night, but I just let my phone vibrate until his hopefulness about me picking up would disappear.

It wasn't just me that they treated like an outcast. The morning after the confrontation with Carter, Gabriel called in Mike and fired him as their manager. Gabriel told him to bring me home, and that he never wanted to see us again. I remember feeling as if my heart was ripped in two.

Blinking, I willed myself to focus on the scene in front of me instead of the horrible thoughts churning through my sleep deprived brain. On the stage was Las Mayonnaise, having finished their set and clearing off the stage. Paired against them in the randomized round was Within These Cages; I saw Carter's band just behind the stage wings, their instruments prepped and ready to go.

I glanced away, unable to even look anywhere near Carter's direction. The loud shouts around me signalled that WTC had taken stage, as the excited cries of the crowd grew louder.

"We're Within These Cages," Carter spoke into the microphone. Her voice resonated through the speakers set up around the venue. I ended up casting her a look anyway, only to find her stare already on me. I swallowed uneasily. "And we're going to start you off with a song called Decoy by Paramore."

Feeling my blood boil underneath my skin, I fought the urge to jump from my seat and storm out of the arena. My hands dug into my seat's armrest, and I bit my bottom lip while glaring daggers in her direction. Carter gave a sly smirk in my direction before beginning the song with the opening guitar riff to the Paramore song, the distortion whirling through the air.

"Close your eyes and make believe, this is where you wanna be. Forgetting all the memories, try to forget love 'cause love's forgotten me." Carter sang, grinning wickedly.

"Well, hey, hey, baby, it's never too late. Pretty soon you won't remember a thing. And I'll be as distant as stars, reminiscing, your heart's been wasted on me. You've never been so used as I'm using you, abusing you. My little decoy, don't look so blue, you should have seen right through. I'm using you, My little decoy." I felt myself trembling as the lyrics seemed to sum up my existance, and everything I was going through. Carter knew that.

"Living life inside a dream, time is changing everything. Forgetting all the memories and I'm forced into you just cause you're into me. Well, hey, hey, baby, it's never too late. When I'm gone you won't remember a thing. But I can't stay and no, I won't wait, I was gone from the very first day.

You've never been so used as I'm using you, abusing you. My little decoy, don't look so blue, you should have seen right through. I'm using you, My little decoy."

"I'm not sorry at all," Carter sang, as her band sang back up vocals as they echoed her. "No, I won't be sorry at all."

All sound stopped as just Carter's voice echoed through the arena, her eyes locked on my own. "I'd do it over again."

"Don't look so blue, my little decoy. You should have seen right through, my little decoy. You've never been so used, my little decoy. As I'm using you, my little decoy." Belting out the last note, the band crashed to a stop and the roar of applause signalled how mucht eh crowd adore their performance. In my seat, I was quaking.

"And that concludes today's secret round! During commercial break, you have the opportunity to text or vote online, the band that will continue on the final two and possibly take home the prize! I'll count you off: three, two, one!" And with that remark from Todd, a flurry of motion had the crowd whipping out their electronic devices. I watched as thumbs tapped furiously on the screens, my eyebrows drawn together in a creased line. One girl had her tongue sticking out as she brought tapped in the numbers given to each band as if she had memorized them all by heart. It was terrifying.

The lights flashed overhead, stopping at the center of the stage where Todd was fixing his tie. A cameraman flashed two fingers, and then the show was back on air. This all took place in the span of six minutes.

Todd hopped enthusiastically in his spot on the stage, his brilliant grin flashing in the warm sunlight. In his hands was a pristine white card the same shade as his teeth, covered by a golden emblem with the NBB logo. I crossed my fingers underneath my seat, silently praying that this Las Mayonnaise band was good enough to beat Carter and wipe that smug grin off her face, but luck was not on my side. Not anymore.

"Within These Cages, congratulations, you're moving on to the finals!" The statement only brought the sinking feeling in my stomach lower and lower until it was so far down that I could never climb out of it.

There were cheers, especially from the girl who had been rapid fire texting from my left. It coarsed through my ears and had me wincing in pain. Carter and her band waved exuberantly to their fans after shaking hands with their competitors who were then ushered off the stage. Their grins triumphant and wide, I knew that they had a decent chance of winning now that the competition wasn't rigged to Tilted Reality's favor. But the latter still had their loyal fanbase and experience to bring them to the top.

But a large part of me hoped that Chasing Avenues would pull through and make it to the finals despite being the underdogs of the competition.

In a concluding tone, Todd finished the day off with some last minute announcements about voting regulations. He finished with a deliberate nod in our direction, "Tomorrow we will see which band makes it to the final two against Within These Cages, and soon a winner will come out victorious!"

-------

"Again." Gabriel said through gritted teeth as the band let out a groan. Drake took a menacing step in the vocalist's direction, pointing out a finger and poking Gabriel roughly in the chest.

"No." The guitarist replied with venom, a trickle of sweat running down from his brow to his chin. It dropped to the ground, and I swore I could hear its descent through all the silence that followed. Drake continued, throwing his pick on the ground, "We've been practicing for the past five hours, Gabe. But you know what? It doesn't even matter anymore."

Gabriel's eyes narrowed and he too took a step forward, his chest nearly pressed against Drake's as he sized the other boy down. "Doesn't matter? Oh, so this band doesn't matter to you either?" I winced at the comment, shrinking back further behind the drum set I was behind.

"It's not the band, Gabriel." Drake growled, roughly pulling his guitar strap off his shoulder and setting the instrument down rather roughly on the rack. "It's this goddamn contest."

"Drake." Xander warned, seeing as the lead vocalist began bristling, his fists clenching tightly against his sides.

"I don't need another one of my bandmates suddenly wanting out, Drake," Gabriel scowled. "This competition was for all of us, not just one."

"It doesn't matter!" Drake yelled again, slamming his fists on the wall he was faced against, his shoulders slumped forward. "We're up against Tilted Reality for Christ's sake. We're never going to beat them. Not to mention the fact that we're losing our drummer in two days, and we don't have a manager anymore. Can't you see, Gabriel? It's hopeless!"

"It's not hopeless, damn it!" Gabriel roared. Zac instantly moved to his side and gripped Gabriel's arms tightly, pulling him away from their lead guitarist.

"We're a mess right now, Gabriel." Drake croaked out, finally turning around. He looked defeated, his energy gone and depleted. It was a shock to see Drake - happy, always energetic Drake - looking like someone who had given up. Maybe he was someone that had given up. "And if we're a mess, we'll never make it through."

Gabriel and Zac stared in silence as the third member of their trifecta punched the wall one last time before turning to leave the practice stage. "Practice is over." he announced sullenly. Hopping off the stage, Drake dug his hands into his pockets and made his way towards the bus.

After a long moment of silence, Gabriel let out a frustrated sigh. With a yell that seemed to coarse with all the pent up anger he had inside, he kicked at the microphone stand so hard that it flew off to the right of the stage. Feedback erupted in the speakers as the mike impacted with the ground, yet no one winced at the noise. Without another word, Gabriel made a hasty exit - much like Drake had before - as he headed towards town.

Left alone, Xander, Zac, and I stood beside one another, unsure who to tend to.

"Zac, you okay?" Xander asked. The blonde reached out and put a sympathetic hand on Zac's shoulder, but the latter merely shook it off. He took off his bass strap, setting the instrument gingerly next to Drake's abandoned guitar.

"It wasn't supposed to be like this." was all the bassist said before he gave me a withering look, and took off in a direction away from Gabriel, Drake, and us.

It wasn't until the silhouette of Zac's figure disappeared from sight did I turn to my best friend, who I was surprised to find his gaze already on me. His blonde hair was messy and tangled, as if he had just rolled out of bed. Dressed in a Doors shirt and faded jeans, he held the neck of his guitar hesitantly and managed a weak half-smile in my direction. "This is all pretty shitty, huh?"

I nodded, unsure of where the conversation would be headed. It was the first time Xander even acknowledged my presence, and I forgot how much I missed and craved his being. I swallowed and rubbed the back of my brown locks, casting my gaze downwards at his Vans shoes, "Pretty shitty indeed."

An awkard silence insued, and I clacked my drum sticks together, further reminding me of the mess I had brought upon myself.

"I'm not mad, you know." Xander said, breaking the tension in the air. I snuck a glance at him, seeing that his crystal blue eyes were focused on an amp rather than my face. "I'm just... confused."

"You're not the only one." I assured half-heartedly, taking a seat on Zac's bass amp and crossing my legs.

"Lacey," Something in Xander's voice caught me off guard. Pursing my lips, I didn't dare meet his gaze. "Lace, look at me."

With a shaky sigh, I met his gaze again, noting the look of concern that came with his expression - it was an expression I was so used to that now it brought me comfort to see. He took a step closer, kneeling down in front of me and grabbing my hands gently in his. A lock of hair fell from my ear, escaping the tangled mess. He tucked it back into place, his finger warm against my cheek.

"I just want to know why." he said softly, that at first I couldn't hear him.

"Why, what?" I laughed dryly. "Why I'm such a scumbag who only cares about herself?"

"You know there has to be more to it than just that. You're not a scumbag, Lacey."

"I am though. I'm so selfish."

"Why do you think that?"

"Why are you acting like a therapist?" Casting me a hard look, I realized with a jolt how serious this conversation was turning and I swallowed again, the lump in my throat unable to leave.

"I'm seriou-"

"I know you are." I said with a resound sigh, skimming my thumbs against his hands. He gulped as I pulled him closer so that we were face to face. "Do you really want to know?" I asked, my voice cracking.

What was I doing?

It's time, Lacey.

Someone needs to know.

Before it's too late.

It's already too late.

All at once, the memories and the pain of the ast few days flooded into my body and I felt myself throwing my arms around Xander's neck and pulling him closer. My chin on his shoulder, I was shaking. In my mind all I could see and hear was Marco. Marco throwing me to the floor, Marco raising his fist to swing, Marco sneering as he demanded me to clean up the blood.

Marco, Marco, Marco.

Then, I saw Mike - his evil smirk back then just an act, as he gave me a deal I couldn't refuse. It was the only way to escape. That was all I could think about back then. But something like that had a price, and I knew I was paying for it now.

"Lacey." Xander's voice had me blinking back into reality. His finger was running aginst my cheek, wiping away tears I hadn't realized I shed. He looked straight into my eyes, nodding. "Tell me."

I couldn't find the words; they were bubbling up inside me but trapped under the boulder that I had rolled over them in an attempt to block everything in. My mouth opened and closed but no words would come out. Xander waited patiently and I let go of his hands, rubbing them up and down my arms. Immediately, I stopped.

If I couldn't tell him, I could show him.

It was hard. I had spent so many years repressing everything that now that I had an opportunity to expose everything to the world, I found myself unable to. Inside, I was filled with turmoil and the feelings of fear and guilty that came with it. Taking a deep breath, I began to pull the hem of my shirt, when Xander stopped me.

He was bright red, eyes wide like a doe. "Lace, what - what are you doing?"

I paused before peeling his hands away. "Telling."

And with that, I pulled the hem of my shirt away to reveal several dark marks on my torso, snaking upwards from my waist to under my bra. They were the worst that Marco had ever inflicted, and were still healing to this day. Or were they there to stay, I didn't know.

Xander let out a hiss as he involunarily drew back. His eyes grew even wider as he stammered out, "W-what?" I held up a finger, rolling my neck so he could see scars from the time I was hit so hard against the wall that I bled. Then I showed him the faint ones on my arms and legs. My battle scars.

"Lacey, who did this to you?" he whispered, setting a hand on my arm. I pulled back as if his arm burned like fire.

"Marco," I said the name quietly. It was low, so low that Xander strained forward to hear. "My step-father."

All at once, I was hit with this sense of relief. I felt like I could breathe again as my dirty little secret finally escaped the confinement of my mind. It showered me in a sensation I couldn't describe, and I felt numb all over as if I couldn't believe it.

Years. It had been years.

I finally told.

But Xander's reaction was something I didn't see coming.

There was a look in his eyes - dark, dangerous, threatening. I almost shrunk back from his expression. He looked furious. Stepping closer, he pulled me close in a hug, which I returned hesitantly.

"We need to tell someone, Lace." Xander said. My relief disappeared as quick as lightning.

"No." I immediately shot back. That only made him angrier and he was the one who pulled away from the embrac, gesticulating widly.

"No? What do you mean no?"

"I mean," I pleaded. "You've got to understand. I hid this for a reason."

"What reason? He's hurting you!"

"He's the only person I have left!" I screamed, feeling my own anger rising. I aimed a pathetic punch in his direction, but he merely cupped both my hands in his, trapping me. I thrashed around but his hold was firm.

"You have to tell someone!" Xander demanded, ignoring my useless attempts at trying to escape his hold.

"I told you!"

"He's a monster, Lace. Won't you feel better seeing him rot in jail?"

At once, I felt as if all the will to fight back left my body. My shoulders hunched forward and all thoughts of trying to free myself washed away, leaving me exhausted and worn-out on its shore. I was tired of this. It was enough with my thoughts raging in my mind, and too many problems I've left unanswered. My façade was slowly breaking, little by little. Yet, it felt like way too much.

"Xander."

"Lacey, what is it?" he muttered, leaning towards me. Xander released my arms hesitantly, as if he were afraid I was going to run. But I didn't. I stood there, defeated.

"I can't leave him; why doesn't anyone understand that?!"

"Because he's hurting you, Lacey!" This isn't something you can just ignore and pretend it's all fine and dandy!" Xander shouted, flinging his arms up into the air, exasperated.

"You don't think I've been trying to leave? I haven't been very successful if you've noticed. For some goddamn reason, I keep ending back in this hell hole." I countered back, my voice rising an octave. I felt my eyes go blurry. "Tell me this, Xander. How have I been doing fine all these years?"

Xander's eyes softened and I could see the pain etched into his light brown gaze. "No, Lace. No you haven't."

I glared at him. At that moment, if looks could kill, he'd be dead as soon as my eyes landed on him. How the hell would he know? This battle is mine, and mine alone. He had no idea what I go through everyday.

He ignored my glare and took my hand softly in his. "Lacey, you've been holding in the pain for too long. Don't you think it's time to let someone in for once?"

"But who, Xander?! Who would want to care for someone like me?" I yelled, starting to feel angry. My hands clenched into fists at my side.

"A ton of people! The band, Olivia, Carter, Am-"

"Oh, really? They care that much? Is that why they ditched me? Left me to wallow in my own self-misery? Do they really care so much that they would hate me? Well, if that's the case, I'm really feeling the love." I growled, feeling a frustrated tear slip down my cheek. Angrily, I swiped at it and added with a sneer, "They're all idiots for even trying to get close to me anyway."

"Lace-"

"One person, Xander. Name one person who actually gives one shit about me. Just one person."

"I care, Lacey! But you-" Xander exclaimed, his own eyes going blurry with unshed tears. "You're too blind to even notice." He shouted, staring at me with pleading eyes. "Goddamn it Lacey, I love you!"

He gripped my shoulder, rattling me slightly, trying to get me to understand. I knew that I should react, or at least pretend to show some kind of emotion. Anything to make the pain in his eyes go away. Anything.

But all I felt was guilt. It kept overpowering all my senses, making me stand there with nothing to say and nothing to do. I was drowning in it. Everything was my fault; everything. I couldn't do this anymore.

"Lacey, say something." Xander pleaded, his voice going hoarse at the end of his sentence. I still couldn't speak. What was there to say?

"No." I finally ground out. I felt myself sag even further as I deflated emotionally. The rest of my adrenaline from our shouting match faded away as I fixed an exhausted stare at the boy in front of me.

"No?" He bristled, letting me go so suddenly that I had to take a step back to right myself. "Are you trying to tell me you know my feelings better than I do?"

My gaze never wavered as I nodded weakly, "Xander, that's exactly what I'm trying to tell you."

"You don't know that," he hissed. "You can't possibly know that. After all I've done for you! I've protected you, stayed by your side. Hell, I even chose you over everyone else! I tried to understand you, Lacey. I tried to help you. I tried so hard to help you get better!"

My lips quavered slightly, and I knew that the tears I've held back for so long were just waiting to burst through. I looked away quickly before letting my emotion show for once. I truly was a horrible person. I had to stop leading him on. It would only end in disaster. Oh, wait. It already had.

Softening my eyes, I looked back up and met his eyes, which had dimmed to a pained expression that nearly broke my heart. My right hand shook as I raised it up and placed it lightly on his cheek. I cringed when a spark of hope flickered in his chocolate gaze.

"That's just it, Xander," I whispered, stroking his cheek gently with my thumb. "You were in love with the idea of being able to fix me... but you were never in love with me."

He pulled back as if he were shocked, his hold finally slipping from mine as he drew away. He closed his eyes, rubbing them angrily as his back hit the wall of the back of the stage. When his hands dropped, I realized his eyes were red-rimmed.

"You're... you're right." he said shakily. His voice sounded broken and weak. I stood from my spot at the amp, walking over to where he stood. "You're not the only one who's selfish, Lacey."

It was then that I realized he was right too. Everyone was fighting their own battles, but I was too blind to even notice Xander's. "Tell me." I whispered, throwing his words back at him.

"I had a sister." Xander said, supressing his tears. Had. "Her name was Clarissa and she everything to me. She was the best sister I could ever ask for. I loved her. But she was sick, Lacey, she was so sick. Anorexia. But she kept fighting it; she wouldn't stop. Until it got the best of her, you know. The disorder was too much and it killed her. You know, you remind me so much of Risa. That's why I was drawn to you when you first moved to Seattle. You were both so tough, but I knew on the inside you bother were probably facing problems of your own. She died about six years ago. I guess," he wiped at his eyes furiously, scowling at the tears blurring them. "I guess, I thought you were second chance. That I could save you like how I couldn't save her."

I was silent for a moment before scooping him up in another hug; though this time neither of us pulled away. We stayed like for a long time; my head rested on his shoulder as his rested on my head. Two broken hearts mending into one.

"This is all pretty shitty, huh?" I said into his chest, the mumble muffled against the fabric of his shirt.

I felt his chest vibrate as Xander let out a low, half-hearted laugh. "Pretty shitty indeed."

--

Holy shit fuck, I updated. Okay. Wow. I'm still in shock.

I do have an excuse though. Life has been going pretty shitty so far, and I'm trying to make it through. That's why I put myself on an indefinite hiatus. (Mostly for graphic design.) I was going to not update my stories until like summer, but then I remember that the Wattpad Prize deadline was April 30th and I panicked. I wanted to enter My Little Decoy into it, so if you see me cranking out chapters like every other day, do not be alarmed.

I guess, it's also an apology for waiting so long to update.

Anyway, comments on the chapter? It was hard to write because it was very emotional, but I'll fix it after the story is completed. There's about three chapters left after this, I think. Maybe four. But I'm sorry if it all will seem a little rushed. I promise to go back and edit soon.

Dedicated to SinisterSushi because I love her and she made me this perfect little banner.

Comment. Vote. Promote!

-Isa