River's POV
THE WINTER DANCE

When I think back on the way I used to be, my heart begins to hurt and my lungs start to seize. So much life was lost and wasted, simply because I was so depressed and anxious. There was so much I missed out on, so much that I refused to see and do, so many things I refused that could have been good for me.

There's nothing I can do to ever get that time back, to replay the moments of my life that I wish I could make up for. I've accepted that, and I've started to make up for it. No more staying in bed all day, no more listening to the bad thoughts and allowing them to consume me, no more missing out on important moments, no more staring in the mirror and picking out all the things I hate about myself, no more regret about things I cannot change.

It's time to live. Freely. With no more hatred or sadness.

I won't hide anymore. I won't pull away and disappear from the world because I'm scared of being hurt by others. There's going to be days where I will struggle and feel my heart bleed from the pain I go through, but I know I'm in the right mindset to finally get through it without giving up.

People are going to hurt me. This world is full of people who are in pain and have so much anger that they shove onto other people. I can't escape from that, but I can choose whether I let it affect me. I get to decide what to do next. I choose to not hurt others, and instead help those people who feel so alone and scared.

That's all we need. Help.

After many years of terrible mental health and feeling like the world beneath my feet was crumbling, I finally got the help I so desperately needed. I wasn't sure if therapy would ever actually help me, I was so sure that it would just exhaust me and cause everything to get worse by having to talk about it. But it helped me to see the world in a whole new light, I learnt about myself, my ways of coping, new techniques to control those dark thoughts. I learnt about my dad, about why he might've acted that way, about why he refused help.

I finally understand everything.

The pieces are slowly fitting together.

I'm no longer surviving.

I'm living.

* * *

The dress that fits against my body is my favourite colour. The lace feeling hangs off my shoulders by a single strap, low cut, but not low enough to show much cleavage. Its black fabric reaches my feet that are fitted into a pair of black heels that my mum gifted me. As I've never worn heels before, she gave me short ones that I can walk easily in without tripping every few seconds. There's a slit in the dress, reaching to my bare thigh.

I stare at myself in the mirror, trying to coach myself into saying kinds things; something my therapist instructed me to do to help love myself again.

Slowly but surely, I'm making progress.

My acne scars, my stretch marks, my smile, my teeth, my body. I'm teaching myself to accept it all, every single one of my flaws that I've always tried to hide from. They're a part of me, they're what make me unique. They're the parts I should love the most.

I can't help but smile at myself as I gaze over my wavy hair, my glowing skin, the dress. For the first time, I actually feel beautiful.

There's a knock on the front door, so I grab the handbag that Lola let me use for the night, and I rush towards the door. My heart is beating violently and my hands are trembling as I try to prepare myself to face Will. A million thoughts go through my head at once, some bad and some good. I wonder how he'll react. He's only ever seen me in my usual outfits that don't look the most appealing.

I've never felt so nervous to answer the door to him.

Blowing out a deep breath, I open the door and set my gaze on him. A smile instantly lifts on my cheeks when I scan over his black suit. His blazer is buttoned half way, leaving room for his white shirt to peak through. He's fiddling with the cuff of his sleeve when I present myself to him, and immediately his jaw drops as his eyes roam me from head to toe. His eyes glisten, helping me to relax once I realise it's a good reaction.

"You look incredible," I tell him truthfully, trying to get a hold of myself.

He's still gobsmacked, taking in every part of me. "River...you...woah."

I see the rose in his hand. The petals are dark red; so red that it seems it's been painted. It's real, I can tell by how the petals are slightly shivering, the veins in them, the crinkles. The stalk is green, along with the two leaves that droop from it slightly.

If I could have any moment played to me on my deathbed, it would be this. I could watch this happen for the rest of my life.

"You're beautiful," he tells me in a hushed voice before looking down at the rose in his hands. "I got you this."

"Will...Thank you." I take it from him and delicately stroke my fingers over the petals. I don't want to accidentally tear them off. I want to keep it forever, even though I know it will slowly shrivel away. The thought of that happening breaks my heart, and I try to come up with useless solutions to keep it alive for the rest of my life.

I place it carefully on the shelf in my hallway, promising to come back for it later and place it in my room so I can make sure it's safe. There's a smile present on my face when I stroke it one last time and return to Will who holds my hands and can't stop gazing over me.

"Are you ready?" he asks.

I nod my head and take a step onto the concrete path that leads down to the pavement. There's a taxi waiting on the side of the road, ready to drive us to Greensail where the sixth formers will have their winter dance. Dances aren't a common thing, it's only for the sixth formers in their last year as a way of congratulating and appreciating our efforts and hard work.

It starts to hit me that sixth form will be over in six months, and the very thought makes my stomach churn. In six months time, I won't see the classmates who I've grown up with ever again. We'll go on to live our own lives, experience different things, make families. I've never been close with my classmates, but we're somehow connected in our own way. Although I never spoke to most of them and they all ignored me, I've seen them grow up. I've watched them grow into the young adults we are now, I've seen them cry and laugh, I've seen their hairstyles change, watched the way their personalities would start to grow. We're not close at all, but in some ways, we're a family. Almost everyday I've been with them, I've seen their faces and heard their voices. Six months, and I'll never see most of them again. In some ways, I'll miss them. Every now and again, I'll hear their name and randomly think of them, and I'll wonder how their life is and what they've been through since the last day of sixth form.

Growing up is heart breaking, but also the most freeing experience. It's bittersweet.

I never cared for school. I couldn't wait to get out and finally escape. But since meeting Will and the others, it's changed me. A big part of me wants to stay in school. I don't want to grow up, I don't want to grow old and get a job and a mortgage.

I want to stay in this moment forever. But I can't. Life must go on, no matter how much I try to prevent time from moving.

One day, I'll be an old woman, thinking back on these moments that I once cherished, remembering the euphoric feeling I experienced in my chest, remembering his face, remembering his words and my words, remembering it all.

It all makes me realise that I need to start appreciating these moments. I need to hold onto them as much as I can, so one day, I'll look back and won't regret not making the most of it. Just like Will once said, I'll make memories that I'll tell our grandchildren about.

Hand in hand, we walk to the taxi together, both completely in awe at the sight of the other.

I'm about to get in the car, but Will stops me and talks to the man driving. "Do you mind taking a photo of us?"

"Me? Yeah, sure," the man says, taking the phone from Will's hand and snapping a photo from his sitting position.

I awkwardly stand next to Will, wrapping my arm around his body while he wraps his arm around my shoulder. We both stare into each other's eyes, silently laughing at the awkward situation. I don't try to hide my smile with my hand this time.

"When I get a car, that photo is going right in my sun visor," he whispers in my ear.

When we arrive at the school we've been attending for almost seven years, we gaze at the outside for a while, finally admiring it like we never have before. Memories and nostalgia overcome us, reminding us of every experience that's taken place here.

Six months left, and then we never come back. We'll never step foot in this building again.

In the dark, the building looks beautiful, lit up by the fairy lights that dangle outside. Large paper snowflakes are placed outside, leading into the sports hall where the dance is taking place. We both walk in together, completely taken back by the decorations. The staff have outdone themselves. A disco ball hangs from the ceiling, lights flash around the room at a slow place, blasting many different colours in our faces. There's a stage set out at the front where a teacher has a music set, waving his arms as the music beats in his ears through the headphones. Some students are dancing; mostly in silly ways to make fun of each other, but some are dancing as couples in a sentimental moment. Other students hoard around the room, making conversation with one another, drinking from their cups, eating the snacks that are set out on a long row of tables.

As soon as we enter the building, Lola makes herself known with her voice and jogs over to us in her extremely tall heels.

"Look at you guys!" she squeals with excitement, clapping her hands together. A red strapless dress is fitted against her body tightly, reaching just above her knees. Her black hair is thrown into a ponytail, showing off her bouncy curls at the back, and a plait goes across her scalp. "Isn't this amazing? Never knew the school had a budget for all of this, you'd think they'd use it for better classrooms, right?"

Will smiles and nods in agreement. "Totally."

Isla joins her sister, gifting both Will and I a small smile.

"You guys look good," she says.

"Thanks, Isla. So do you," I tell her.

Her short hair is styled slightly to the side. A black fitted suit is rested against her body, but not with a shirt underneath the blazer. Her blazer reaches to her forearms, showing off the bracelets she wears, and underneath is a black shimmery cropped vest. Black chunky heels cling to her feet, and long earrings shimmer from her ears.

The boys all join us, showing off their suits which make them all look so grown up. Beck's hair is slicked back, Brains is wearing white trainers, and Ryan has a white rose rested in his blazer pocket which I assume was a gift from Lola.

"Group photo!" Lola yells over the music before she grabs a random classmate and persuades him to take a photo.

Will is behind me as he wraps his arms around my waist. He leans his head down and presses a kiss against my cheek while I grin and try my hardest not to laugh.

"I need to pull out this wedgie," Brains announces, shuffling around uncomfortably.

We all erupt in laughter, and the moment gets captured in a photo, forever remaining, forever reminding us of this perfect night where we're all alive and happy and together.

I couldn't ask for anything more.

Eventually we all go to the dance floor where Will begs me to dance with him. Even though I know I'll humiliate and embarrass myself, I finally agree and take his hand, allowing us to make more memories that we can think back on one day.

Will and I are staring into each other's eyes so deeply and passionately. We're moving with each other, hands resting on a waist and a shoulder, our feet shuffling around. The music is slow and precious, it blesses our ears, and I know that it'll be added to our playlist when we get home.

"I've never felt this way before," Will tells me.

I tilt my head to the side slightly, because I know that I'm not Will's first girlfriend. "What about Evie?"

"I thought I loved her, but what I felt with her is nothing compared to what I feel right now. Fuck, River, I never want this feeling to stop. If only I could explain how incredible it is."

"You don't have to. I already know."

And so I live, not only for him, but for myself. For the life I can go on to have.