"I always hated the lecture halls, especially when I was starving and my stomach decided to rumble extremely loud." Amy chuckles as her and Sean talk about their experiences at university.

I've only spoken a few words since they arrived for our movie night. Those words were: 'Hi. I'm great. That's good. I'm glad.' I've been silent the rest of the evening, but it seems that no once has noticed. I don't mind in the slightest. If I'm being honest, I don't have the energy to think up an entire conversation with questions I don't know the answers to.

Mum has the evening off work, so she asked my older siblings if they'd like to come over for dinner and to watch a movie. We don't see each other a lot due to us all having our own lives and responsibilities, but they both managed to free up some space to be here.

I feel guilty for not interacting enough. I keep shouting at myself to be happy and appreciate our time together because I hardly ever see them, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't force myself to feel happy. I sit on the sofa with no emotion playing on my face as I fiddle around with my pizza slice, suddenly losing my appetite. I've heard depression can make that happen to your body. I wonder if it's that.

I wonder if I'm depressed or I'm just making it all up inside my head.

"Guess what I got on my recent assignment, mum?" Amy pulls up an excited smile, and I can already tell that it's good news. "I got a distinction. My work received the highest marks out of everyone in my class."

Mum gasps and claps her hands together to express how proud she is of Amy, who is just the most perfect daughter in the world. Sometimes I'm jealous of her for her accomplishments and stability. I'm glad that she lives that sort of life, but sometimes it saddens me that I'll most likely never have that.

What is wrong with me?

"That's amazing! Out of your entire class?"

Amy's smile widens, like she's genuinely so, so happy. I start to imagine what that feeling must be like, and then I start to feel bad because I'm making this all about me when it should be about her.

"The entire class," she confirms, bobbing her head up and down.

Sean pats Amy's shoulder and lifts the highest smile I've ever seen on his face. "Would you look at that. My sister's the smartest person in her class."

I should be happy, I should be smiling and I should be congratulating her. So why does it feel like my heart has just dropped to the lowest point of my stomach? I'm so selfish sometimes.

Even though my heart is hurting and my stomach feels swarmed with guilt, I muster a smile and force myself to be happy. I don't want to upset Amy, I don't want to make her feel like she has to hide these things from me in order to keep me happy. It's not her fault that her life is better than mine and she has things that I'll never be able to accomplish.

"Well done," I say in a soft tone. "That's really good."

She reaches over and holds my hand before giving it a squeeze. "It'll be you in a few years."

"You should apply to the uni I'm at. It's great there, and you'll get to see me," Sean says, winking.

I smile in response and nod my head.

I don't tell them that I don't plan on being around for that long. I don't tell them how I'm really feeling at all. I just sit there and pretend that I'm okay.

They all fall for it.

And then I feel horrible because I begin to realise how terrible and guilty they'll feel when I'm gone because they wasn't able to see how much pain I was in.

The thought that they'd probably break apart and go out of their minds is the only thing keeping me going. I don't want to be here, but I also can't deal with the fact that I would destroy their lives if I was to ever leave. I can't handle being responsible for so much hurt. So I stick it out and I wait. What for? I'm not sure. Maybe a sign. Maybe a reason. I don't know...it's stupid.

"How's school, River?" Mum asks me.

I snap out of thought, smiling and acting like I wasn't just thinking about death.

"It's fine."

"Classes going okay?"

I nod, because there's nothing more to say.

"Are the students and teachers treating you nicely?"

I nod again. "They're treating me the same as every year."

Mum smiles when I say that, because she has this lie spiralled up in her mind that I'm the golden girl of the school who has so many friends that she's never even met. In her mind, I am perfect, I am happy, I am well. I'm not sure if she actually believes that or if she's just lying to herself to hide from the truth. I influence that lie to keep her happy.

"Any boyfriends?" Amy sings, winking at me in the process and trying to make me blush. She's been wanting me to bring someone home for dinner for years. She says it'll complete the family, or something like that. She wants a triple date with all of the sibling's significant others, but that is truly my worst nightmare.

"No," I tell her honestly.

Like friendships, relationships aren't at the top of my list. I just don't care for them. Plus, like I've said time and time before, I'm not sure how long I'll be around for. I don't want to get into a relationship with someone only to leave them heartbroken. That wouldn't be fair on them.

I'm not sure if I'll even be able to stay in a committed relationship. I like to be on my own a lot, I hate speaking, I hate showing affection, I despise talking about my feelings. Communication is key for a relationship, but that is one of the many things that I'm terrible at.

"You'll find someone soon," Amy assures me, like its the end of the world and my sole purpose to be in a relationship.

I smile again. My eyes betray me. No one notices.

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

* * *

I slouch down in my chair five minutes before class is even scheduled to start. I sigh and slip on my headphones, blasting music to interrupt the silence around me.

Call Me, by Gigi Masin.

My eyes trail around the room, stopping on each person as I examine them.

Blythe Holland. One of the most popular girls in my school. She's dating a footballer who is also an extremely popular guy in my school. Popular people only date other popular people. I don't know why that is, but I don't care enough to find out. Social status and popularity is the least interesting thing to me. Blythe has four siblings, all who she has to look after. I'm not sure where her parents are or what they do, but for some reason, they leave her to look after the family.

Ivy Lennox. A person who others would refer to as 'chill'. I guess that's true. She's friends with almost everyone — not best friends, but friends — she never argues or causes drama, she's civil and understanding. If I were to be friends with anyone, it would be her. She's lived with her auntie and uncle after her parents died. I'm not sure how or when or why.

Rio Ryen. He's sort of like me, only he actually has friends who he opens up to. He never smiles, never talks in class, his face is constantly covered in a depressed, painful expression. It's so evident that he's hurting. He was bullied all throughout secondary school. It stopped somewhere alone the line when he finally grew fed up of being pushed around and would stick up for himself. No one fucked with him after he threw that chair at Danny's face.

I've come to the realisation that everyone has lived, is living, or will live, a shitty life.

The noise level in the room picks up when William, Ryan and Brains stroll in. I briefly glance up from staring at the engravings in the table.

My heart stops beating when I catch William's eyes. He's staring directly at me with a cigarette resting between his lips. It's not lit, obviously, else he would be kicked out of class. I gulp and try not to make it obvious that I'm flustered by the unexpected eye contact.

No one ever looks at me. To them, I'm invisible. I like to keep it that way. Fuck, I shouldn't have returned his book to him yesterday, I shouldn't have made that comment.

I refrain making eye contact and try to pretend I'm on my phone when William takes his seat next to me and takes off his coat.

My eyes can't help but glance over and momentarily stare at his arms. They're not overly muscular, but they have veins bulging out of them.

"Hey," I hear him say to someone. I assume it's Brains who sits just behind us, but I'm scared to even check, just in case we make eye contact again.

"Hey," he raises his voice, and then I feel him poke my shoulder.

I snap my head up and gawp when I realise he's talking to me. No one ever speaks to me in school, so I can't help but sit there like an idiot for a few long seconds while he waits for me to reply.

He motions for me to take off my headphones. I slip them off and place them on my lap.

"You're river?" he asks.

I gulp and nod my head, trying to internally prepare myself for the awful conversation that will take place. "And you're William, right?"

I've grimaces his face, and just like that I'm back in my shell again, shrinking into it like I'm a snail. I'm confused as to why he did that. It's not like I said anything wrong. Asking someone's name isn't a bad thing. After all, he asked for my name first.

"What?" I question.

"Call me Will. I hate my full name."

I pick at the peeling wood on the table before I force myself to ask the question which I'm dying to know. I hardly talk, but that doesn't mean I'm not curious. In fact, despite what others say, I am extremely curious. It might be a mixture of both that and anxiety.

"Why?"

"Sounds so...formal."

When I don't respond to his answer, he quickly fills the silence with his voice again. He seems to dislike the silence. I also dislike silence, only because my thoughts become too loud when there isn't any sound. Listening to music and reading books seems to help with that.

"Still, it's better than my brother's name," he says.

"What's your brother's name?" I ask. I don't know why I'm continuing the conversation. I'd feel guilty if I just ignore him.

"Klaus." He says the name like it's poison against his tongue.

I shrug and stare back down at the letters on my workbook, skimming my eyes over words which I'm not actually reading.

"I think it's a nice name," I counter. It reminds me of The Vampire Diaries.

Will looks offended, and I'm suddenly confused again.

I want to question it, but Mr Peters strolls in and tells everyone to settle down, demanding our full attention before he pulls down the board and projects a screen on it.

I inhale a deep breath before I accidentally let my eyes slip to the side of me. Will glances over at me at the same time.

That's when I first notice that William Stanley has emerald green eyes.