I don't go to school the next day. Instead, I lay in my bed and stare at my cream coloured wall, repeatedly scanning over the cracks. I'm not thinking about anything, I don't even feel anything. I'm just there. An emotionless wreck who has no ambitions in life with no idea what to make of the future.

I really hate mental health. It was only the other day when I was in class with Will, giggling silently because we were whispering every time Mr Peters turned around to face the board. Now I hate everything.

That's the thing about me. I'm hot and cold. I never know whether I'll be happy or distraught.

I'm so tired. I am so, so tired.

I start to contemplate life, I begin to wonder what I'm even doing here. Is there a reason? I don't think so. I see no future for myself, so what is there to look forward for? What exactly am I living for? I'm walking this path that isn't illuminated for me in the darkness.

Nothing feels real anymore. Everything feel like a dream. Or more specifically, a nightmare.

Everyday I'm just sad. I try to be happy, but I don't know how to be happy. It's not just one of those things that I can teach myself to do. I just have to sort of deal with it.

I've thought about leaving ten times today. But I just can't do that. I keep thinking about my family and about Will and the sheer guilt they will feel. I don't want to pass this pain onto them.

If I leave, no one will ever know how hard I tried to survive.

* * *

There's a knock at my front door at half past three. I stay in bed and wait for whoever it is to realise that no one's in and leave, but this person is persistent and they do not give up.

I close my eyes and sigh before I force myself out of bed and drag my body to the front door. I don't bother to brush my hair or check how I look in the mirror, I just open the door and allow the mystery person to see the worst parts of me that will leave them with nightmares.

My eyes widen when they set on Will.

He's wearing a large coat with his hands dug into the pockets, black joggers, and his usual Nike trainers. There's a beanie on his head, keeping his ears warm and protecting his hair from the weather.

His face drops when he sees me.

I want to hide myself from him. I look like a complete mess.

"I missed you at school," he says, his eyes still trailing over my pale, cracked skin.

"I'm ill," I quickly make an excuse. "Did I miss much?"

"Not a lot, other than Ryan and Lola flirting, but that's nothing new. Can I come in?"

I clear my throat and allow him to step in where he immediately takes off his coat, trainers and beanie.

"It's freezing out there," he informs me, rubbing his hands together.

I wrap my arms around myself as we head to the kitchen so he can have a drink. A coffee this time, because apparently he needs to wake himself up. I could probably use some of that, but I just stick to tea. Coffee makes me feel funny.

He's sitting across from me at the counter, refusing to stop staring at me. It makes me fidget in my seat.

"You doing okay?" he asks.

I nod my head and force a smile. "Just ill...and tired."

Tired, but not in the way he thinks.

Will sighs, dipping his head to stare down into his dark coffee.

"I was worried about you. I did text."

I never even checked my phone. I always keep it on silent to disconnect from the rest of the world.

"I'm sorry. I didn't see it."

"It's okay. I wasn't expecting you to reply. You never do."

"I hate texting," I assure him in an apologetic tone.

"I know. It's okay." He chuckles slightly, stirring the contents with a metal teaspoon.

I try to keep up my smile, but it falters for a split second.

"So..." He pauses and bites down on his bottom lip, not yet returning his eyes to my face. "I accepted the date with Blythe."

Bile rises in my throat. I smile. "Oh, yeah? That's cool."

He nods his head, pressing his lips into a flat line. "Yeah, I suppose it is."

"Where are you going?"

My throat feels like it's bleeding.

"I'm not sure yet."

"Oh, right...well...I hope you both have a nice time."

He doesn't look very appreciative. Am I not doing enough? I'm trying to be as supportive as possible, but I seem to be failing.

"So, you think I should go?"

I shrug my shoulders. "If you want. It's not my decision."

Will pokes the inside of his cheek with his tongue, shaking his head with an annoyed expression present. "Fuck sake, River." Evident frustration is swarming his eyes.

I recoil my head as my face drops. Suddenly I'm confused all over again.

"What?" I whisper, my heart thumping at the thought of him being upset with me. That's the last thing I want.

"Just give me something. Anything!"

I blink my eyes a few times, confused to say the least. My throat bobbles as I gulp. "I don't understand what you mean."

"You just—" He exhales a deep breath. "—You just sit there with the same expression on your face, speaking in the same tone, saying the same things. I don't understand. Are you completely empty? Why can't you say what you're actually thinking? Why won't you be honest?"

My eyes begin to water, but no tears falls, because apparently I don't want to prove Will wrong.

"I'm just trying to help you," I whisper. "I don't know what more you want me to do."

"What?"

"You're upset because I'm not supporting you enough. I am trying my hardest. I'm sorry, I'm just not used to this," I explain quietly.

He sits back down on his stall, and then runs his hands through his hair, softening his tone and expression. "No, River, that's not it. That's not what I mean."

"You're confusing me."

"I'm sorry." He sighs and shakes his head. "I don't mean to. I'm just trying to understand what you're feeling. You make it so hard sometimes, but I know it's not your fault...I know you can't help it. I just wish you would be honest with me and say how you really feel. I want you to trust me."

"I do trust you."

"Then why are you only telling me what you think I want to hear? I just want to know what you really think."

I swallow hard. "I've already told you what I think."

His eyes close in defeat. A tense moment passes us, and finally he opens his mouth to talk. "I rejected Blythe."

I breathe air back into my lungs. "What? But you said-"

"I know. I was trying to see if you would...react a certain way...tell me something. I was wrong. I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry, River. It was a shitty thing for me to do, I'm an idiot."

"What?" I question, suddenly more confused than I was before.

His cheeks grow rosey as he tries to prepare himself for what he's about to tell me. "I wanted to see if you...if you felt the same way about me. When Blythe asked me out, I thought it would be a great opportunity to do so. I thought if you liked me in the way I like you, you would say something and try to stop me. I'm sorry, I really am. I've been a crap friend to you recently, you didn't deserve that."

Will feels the same way. All this time, he's liked me, he was just too afraid to admit it.

"I'm sorry," he apologises again. "I never meant to make things awkward, so please let's just forget this ever happened. We can still be friends, right?"

I'm still gobsmacked. My jaw is still touching the ground.

"You like me," I whisper to myself.

He blushes more deeply.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Will shrugs. "Didn't want to make things awkward," he mumbles.

"But I do like you."

His eyebrows relax from their furrowed position, he sits up straight and examines my face, searching for any hint of dishonesty.

"But you said-"

"I wasn't sure if you felt the same way, either. I wanted to be a good friend, so I didn't want to ruin something like that for you."

"Even though you like me?"

My smile is sheepish. "I care about you. I'd always put your happiness before my own feelings."

He blinks a few times, his jaw still dropped, almost as if he thinks his mind is playing a cruel trick on him; like it's not real. I want to ask what he's thinking, but I also want to let him process this news, so I just wait silently in my chair.

"You could've told me that before. I've been spending this past week working my ass off trying to figure out how to tell you," he jokes, a grin tugging at his cheeks.

Even though butterflies are fluttering in my stomach and I've never felt so awkward, I laugh. For the first time in what feels like a long time, I laugh so effortlessly.

Will makes me forget about everything.

I'm sure once he leaves, the thoughts and memories will return and haunt me, trying their hardest to destroy what is left of my soul. For now at least, I feel lighter—happier. How bizarre, it was only minutes ago when I was contemplating life.

It's the littlest of things, just like I've said many times before. How do I live like this for the rest of my life? How will I survive when I can't handle the smallest setbacks?

"You should've told me." I try to hide my red face behind my hair, staring down at my hands that I fiddle with nervously.

"I wish I had now."

I finally glance back up at Will. He's giving me a longing smile with those dreamy eyes. I have no clue what to do or say now. I have no experience of romance — other than what I read about in my books, but can those scenarios be used in real life by a socially awkward girl? I'm positive that anything I say will be somewhat embarrassing; something that will haunt me forever until I'm finally six feet deep in the ground.

"So...what now?" I stammer, almost choking on my words.

Will looks highly amused by my behaviour. He shrugs, still smiling uncontrollably. "You tell me, smiley."

My cheeks are flaming hot and my eyes are wide as I try to figure out how to reply to that. I open my mouth to say something, but I can't seem to find the right words to spew out. Instead, I sit there like an idiot.

Will snorts with laughter, slightly lifting his head back. "Don't think too much about it. We'll just go one step at a time, see what happens, yeah?"

I nod my head, relieved that he's taking the reigns. I'm definitely not cut out to be the dominant one. I'll happily leave that job to Will.

"We're just two special friends who are getting close and seeing where things take us. We can make up the rules along the way," he says.

Special friends. I don't think I've ever heard anyone use that terminology. It's weirdly hilarious.

"Sounds good," I agree. I bite my lip before saying what I say next. "Does that mean you'll still be seeing other people?"

I. Am. An. Idiot.

I don't even know what's going on yet. I should not have asked that, not so soon. What if it freaks him out? What if I've ruined everything-

"Nah, I don't do that shit. We don't have a label or anything yet, but I won't see anyone else while...this...is happening."

"Got it."

A deep breath of relief.

The awkward moment finally passes thanks to Will who changes the subject entirely.

"Were you actually ill today?" he asks. "Please be honest with me."

"I don't want to bring down the mood."

"Being honest with me won't bring down the mood. Only lying to me will."

I sigh, take a sip of my drink, set it back down on the counter, and stir it with my teaspoon to distract me. "I didn't feel good."

"In what way?"

"Like...emotionally."

He waits patiently, listening to every word I say.

"I sometimes get like that. Little things happen to upset me, and they pile up, and suddenly I just get so down that it's difficult to even get out of bed."

"Call me when that happens."

I recoil my head, suddenly confused by his generous offer. "I'd feel like a burden."

"You'd never be a burden. I'd rather be here with you to make you feel better, rather than you be here all alone while feeling like that. That shit will mess you up, River, trust me."

My eyes grow sorrowful as I watch him carefully. "Is that what happened to you?"

He doesn't realise that he's rubbing his tattoo as he nods his head. "Yeah. That's what happens when you don't reach out for help. You can't just go through life like this and allow things to slowly pile up until you physically aren't able to handle it anymore."

I hesitantly reach my hand across the table and hold onto his, caressing my finger over the semi colon. "Are things better now?"

He shrugs. "It's easier now that I've got people I can go to. I never used to open up to my friends because I didn't want to bring down the mood. But they've been there for me since I decided to reach out for help. Without them, I probably wouldn't be here right now."

"I'm sorry you went through that," I whisper.

I can't stand to imagine Will being in so much pain that he felt he was only left with that option. I sometimes feel that way too, but it's different when you see a loved one going through it.

Will grins. "Shit happens, smiley. You've just gotta keep going."

I promise to try.

"So don't feel like a burden by coming to me about that stuff. Okay? Because trust me when I say you're not. I'd hope you'd do the same for me."

"Of course I would," I say defensively.

"Exactly. So, if I was in your position and I called you for help, would you think of me as a burden?"

"No."

"Then why do you assume that about yourself?"

My eyebrows furrow as I ask myself that exact question.

"I'm not sure," I admit.

"It because you're too hard on yourself. Put other people in your position, figure out what you would do to help them. Try me. Imagine I'm feeling what you're feeling. What would you do?"

I gulp. I imagine Will experiencing the same thoughts as me, and it pains my heart to think about. "Hug you. Support you...maybe. I don't know."

He sighs. "It's a start."

I glance back down at my mug, feeling relief spill throughout me.

"I found a new song for our playlist. Can I play it for you?" he asks hopefully.

"Of course," I say quietly, smiling in a soft way.

With his cheeks glowing, he pulls out his earphones and allow the sweet music to play for us both. My eyes instantly close as I listen to the beat and the lyrics which help to sooth my mind and allow me to feel calm again.

A Little Piece, by The Jezabels.

"Maybe this could be our song?" I suggest.

Will looks visibly confused. "Our song?"

"Like, it's a song that reminds us of each other. It means something to both of us."

His eyes soften and his lips tug into a smile. "I like that idea."

We stare into each other eyes for a few minutes, relaxed in the atmosphere around us that feels safe. However, we're suddenly interrupted by Will's phone that pings from his pocket. He seems annoyed when he pulls it out and reads over the screen, his face immediately dropping.

"I've gotta go. My dog needs walking because my parents won't do it."

"You have a dog?"

Will nods his head and immediately smiles, proving how much he loves it. "Ginger. You'll have to meet him sometime."

"I'd love to."

Will stands from his stall, but he lingers there awkwardly for a few seconds, rubbing the back of his neck and seeming to not know where to go. I watch in a confused state, almost about to show him where the door is, when he suddenly stammers out a question.

"So...um...this is probably a strange way to do this. I'm sorry, I'm not usually this awkward." Will smirks at himself and runs his hand down his rosy cheek. "Can I kiss you?"

My chest rises with the large intake of breath. My eyes glimmer at Will as I nod my head and smile tightly. "You can."

He's smiling when he cups the back of my neck and leans forward, slowly growing closer and closer. I move with him, my heart drumming against my rib cage. We pause just as our lips are an inch away, I can feel his breath tickling against my lips. I gulp and prepare myself.

Anxiety is consuming my mind, making me think of all the wrong things in this moment: What if I'm a bad kisser? What if I do it wrong? Fuck — how do I kiss? I'm not prepared for this.

But then Will presses his lips against mine, taking the lead and helping me. All my worries wash away within the first second, allowing only the butterflies and the warm feeling in my chest to be felt. He's slow and gentle with his kisses, giving me time to adjust. His soft lips give me a taste of what I've been missing, and suddenly I never want him to part from me. I want us to be as one forever.

I never want this feeling to end.

To stay in this moment for a lifetime would simply be the greatest privilege.

One of my hands hold his warm cheek, the other is tugging on his coat jacket, bringing him closer to me. His hand is snaked through my strands of hair, holding the back of my head in position for him. The other rests on my waist, slowly rubbing it with the pad of his thumb.

I melt under his touch.

When we pull away from each other, our foreheads press together, and we're left breathless. Will smirks first, and then I follow by letting out a silent chuckle. Our laughter helps to eliminate the awkwardness of the aftermath. My eyes open and watch as Will breaks out into a large smile.

He grows closer again, but this time he pecks my cheek softly.

"You're a good kisser, Smiley, I'll give you that."

Will snorts with laughter at my embarrassed reaction before he grabs his bag and heads towards the door, leaving me a hot mess.

I just kissed Will Stanley.

This cannot be real.