River's POV
THAT NIGHT

I store the tickets from the arcade in my memory box that is hidden at the bottom of my wardrobe, saving it for when I want to savour on mine and Will's happy memories. I see the notes in the process and contemplate throwing them out, but I can't bring myself to do it, so I close the box and forget about their very existence.

The blue and orange teddy octopus that Will won for me from one of the machines gets placed on my nightstand next to bed, a safe distance for me to reach it if I ever feel lonely. He didn't actually win it. He had five tries with the claw, but he kept dropping it, so he went to one of his colleagues and got them to unlock the glass screen so they could secretly pull one out and pretend it was stuck.

Will told me to pretend that I hadn't seen anything and act as if he actually won it like the skilled person he is. I looked the other way and did just that.

I now have three things to remind me of Will: the octopus, the tickets, and his hoodie that he told me to keep for a little while longer. He requested one of my tops in return, so I gifted him my oversized zip up hoodie which just about fits him.

I'm sitting on my bed, changing the colours of the octopus by turning it inside out, when my bedroom door suddenly flies open.

I almost scream, but then I turn my head with my heart thumping violently, and I see Amy.

"Did I scare you?" Amy roars with laughter and invites herself in, sitting on my bed crossed legged.

"A little." I laugh awkwardly.

"What's this?" She takes the teddy from my hands to inspect it.

My hands return to my lap as I watch her change the colours. "Something I got at the arcade."

"Very nice. Who did you go with?"

"Will."

"Ah, Will. Mum's told me all about him."

"She has?"

Amy looks like she wants to laugh. "Me and mum tell each other everything. I know all about this mystery boy who stayed last night."

My face heats up. I forget how close Amy and mum are. They act more like best friends. Sometimes I'd like to have that sort of relationship with my mum, but at the same time I wouldn't. In some ways, it would be my worst nightmare.

"You should invite him out for dinner sometime. Or we can go out for a walk if he's more comfortable with that?"

I hide my red face behind my strands of hair. "Maybe. We're just friends, Amy."

"So? Whether you're friends or dating, we still want to know him if he's going to be in your life, just to approve." She winks.

"I'll ask him."

"Sweet."

The octopus has an upside down smile in Amy's hands. It's staring at me with pleading eyes, like it wants to come back to me where it feels safe and at home.

I shake my head, feeling stupid for feeling so protective over a teddy.

"How's sixth form been?"

"Good. How's work?" I force myself to ask questions that take the life out of me. Being sociable and making conversation is not my strong suit, so it's not easy for me to come up with questions to ask. But I have to do it. Amy is my sister, I should express my care for her, I should be curious of her life that I seem to not know much about.

Amy sighs and raises her eyebrows. "My manager is putting me on more shifts because Lucy's gone off to work for another company."

My eyes shift down to her bump that is slightly showing under her baggy T-shirt. A small smile tugs onto my cheeks, a light feeling spreading across my chest.

"Woah," I whisper.

She follows my gaze and rubs her stomach with such delicacy. The expression on her face speaks a thousand words and proves to me that she will love that baby more than life itself.

I would like to promise my life to my niece. I would like to believe that I'll be there for her no matter what, that I'll babysit whenever I get the chance, that I'll walk her to her first day of school with Amy and Elliot, that I'll sit with her while she explains her gossip from her class, that I'll brush her hair when she's ill, that I'll hug her when she cries. There's nothing more that I want than to be the best auntie to my niece.

But there's just one problem. I've said it many times before. I'm not sure how long I will be here. The thought of not being here to witness my niece grow up shatters my heart to pieces.

I wonder how much time we'll have together. I wonder if I'll live to turn eighteen or if I'll live out the rest of my days until I'm old.

The possibilities.

"Do you want to feel?" Amy asks.

My eyes widen as I look between her and her bump. I fail to do anything without being awkward, so I know I'll be timid and shy when my hand connects to her stomach.

After I hesitantly accept the offer, she takes my hand and gently places it against her bump.

I can't help but beam a smile at Amy. "I can't believe that there's a baby in there."

"I know," she whispers, her cheeks glowing. "We're calling her Lilliana."

Realisation takes over my features. "After grandma?"

She nods.

Grandma smelt like fresh linen, along with her cottage house that we would visit every weekend when I was little. She would bake cookies every visit, getting my siblings and I to help pour the flour and mix the mixture. I would always stare at her wrinkled hands and her gold wedding ring as she rolled the dough. Grandpa had passed by the time I was born, so I never had the privilege of meeting him. Mum and Grandma would always tell me stories about him; how he walked forty miles to meet my grandma in their teenage years just so he could gift her flowers from his parents florist because she said once that she couldn't afford them. Grandpa and Grandma both hated my dad, they would try to warn my mum about him, they tried their absolute hardest to convince her that he was bad news. But my mum loved my dad with all of her heart, so much to the point where she refused to see the bad side of him.

When Grandma died, my mother decided to respect her wishes, and she finally left my dad. I still remember that day. We came home from school, it was my first year of secondary, and our bags were all packed and shoved into the boot of my mum's car. I wanted my dad, even after all he did, because how was I supposed to know that he treated me badly? Up until a few years ago, I believed it was normal. We were taken to our auntie's house where we lived for almost a year until mum finally bought a house and we no longer had to be cramped up with four other children. Dad banged on our auntie's door for weeks on end, screaming and cursing and calling my mum every name under the sun. He would talk to us through the letter box, spilling lies into our ears, speaking poison which made us weep and cry. He never went to court about visitation rights. He gave up soon enough, and things grew quieter than ever. No more shouting, no more insults, no more hiding.

Grandma never got to see my mum get away from him.

Things should never be left too late. I realised that when I grew older. I think my mum did as well. It's one of her biggest regrets.

* * *

"Where did you two sneak off the other night?" Beck asks Will and I as we walk through the corridor together. He wraps his arms around our shoulders, bringing us closer together.

"Home," Will informs him.

"Together?" he gasps.

"Yes, together."

Beck makes annoying noises like he finds the situation adorable as he squeezes both our cheeks. I frown in response, Will seems to do the same.

"Get off." Will whacks Beck's hand away and somehow manages to get out of his tight hold that is almost suffocating me.

"I'm just saying, I'm rooting for you guys."

"We're friends," he reminds Beck.

My stomach drops. I feel guilty for some reason, maybe because I feel I'm ruining our friendship by gaining these weird feelings that leaves my stomach all twisted.

I wanted him to kiss me the other night. I could've ruined everything. Will probably doesn't even like me in that way, he's already told me that he wants to be my friend because I understand him. That's all he wants to be.

"Yeah, yeah. See you two love birds later," Beck yells as he walks ahead to join his group at the other end of the corridor. Will stays glued to my side when we reach my locker and I begin to shove my books in.

My heart is beating so fast when I glance up at Will and catch him staring down at me. I try to hide my blush and grin so I don't make things too obvious. I would never recover from the embarrassment if Will somehow managed to figure out my feelings for him.

"I'm so not ready for maths," he groans out.

"Neither."

I hate that I can never find the right words to say. I'm just boring, average and plain. There's nothing unique about me. The thought makes my heart hurt, because it makes me wonder how anyone will grow to love me when I refuse to open up.

Will stares at me for a while, studying my face with these eyes that I can't figure out. I want to know what he's thinking, but I'm too afraid to ask.

"You'll never guess what," he finally speaks.

"What?"

I shut my locker, and we walk to class together, our arms slightly touching.

"Blythe asked me on a date."

My heart stops beating for so long that I think I'll die, but I try to mask the devastation I feel inside by lifting a smile upon my face.

"Blythe? Doesn't she have a boyfriend?"

Even though I'm screaming inside, my body does a good job at hiding the pain. My voice doesn't crack once, it manages to stay at a perfect level, my smile remains up, and I blink away the truth in my eyes that expose how I really feel.

"Apparently they broke up in the summer." He shrugs and seems unbothered, whereas I'm almost collapsing to the ground.

I'm close to the edge, staring down at the deep water below. Behind me is Will. I wonder if he'll reach out his arm and grab my hand to keep me from falling.

"Oh, okay. What did you tell her?"

I probably shouldn't have asked that. I'm not sure I can handle the answer.

"I told her I'll think about it."

I nod my head, still forcing a smile.

"What do you think?" he asks me.

He's asking because I'm his friend, and friend's opinions matter. I was never anything more than that. Everything that happened and all that I thought would happen was all in my head. It was part of my stupid imagination that makes me believe in the most ridiculous things. Like me and Will. A part of me actually thought that something would happen.

How silly of me.

I clear my throat and stare him dead in the eye, trying to prove that I'm not affected by any of this. "Maybe it'll be good for you to get out there again. Blythe seems like a nice girl."

Will is silent for a few seconds, and then he nods his head and clears his throat. "Yeah, maybe."

Be a supportive friend, River. It's what you are. Don't sabotage good things for him just because you wish it was you.

My heart snaps in two when I build up the courage to say the thing I hate the most. "You should do it, see how things go. Only if you want to, of course."

Another pause before he says, "Yeah...I'll do it. Thanks, River."

My foot slips, and I'm falling from the edge towards the dark water that waits for me. I reach my hand out for Will, but he's no longer there to save me, because he didn't push me this time. I did. I did this to myself.

I think I'll be alone forever.