Will's POV
THAT MORNING

Ryan and I sit in his car, staring ahead at the empty school field that is crowded with fog and drizzle. The widows are cracked open, allowing the smoke from our cigarettes to squeeze through and escape into the fresh air.

"I was worried about you yesterday," he tells me after sitting in silence for ten minutes.

"Sure seemed like it," I mumble.

He turns his head and gives me this sorrowful look. I can tell he feels guilty for sitting in class and watching while I had one of my mental breakdowns.

"I'm sorry. I really am. I didn't want to cause a scene in front of the class. I didn't even think that you were that upset, I just thought you were playing up in front of River."

"I would never act that way in front of River. Well...I mean...not on purpose. I hate that she saw me like that."

Ryan dips his head and strokes his fingers against the material of his steering wheel. "I really am sorry."

"It's fine."

"It's not. I don't want you to go back to how you was before."

"That won't happen again."

"How do you know?"

I shrug my shoulders. I'm not exactly sure that I won't ever get to the point where I want to leave this world again, but for now at least, I can confidently say that I feel better. Not happy, but better. Things have been feeling a little numb lately, apart from when I'm with River. I think it might be because she understands me so much. She knows exactly how I'm feeling and doesn't ever make me feel ashamed for it.

My smiles around her are effortless.

"I don't want to lose you," Ryan whispers. "I know we're never really serious and we joke around a lot, but I fucking care about you. You're my best mate. You've always been like a brother to me, especially after..." His voice trails off and he closes his eyes as the memories come flooding back.

"I know," I say. I hold his shoulder and give him a smile that I hope looks supporting.

Ryan's younger brother died a couple of years back. They were inseparable. I can still remember how Tyler would always tag along with us when we would go to the cinema or to the shops. Ryan never treated him any differently, he always included him like a friend. He really did love him. When Tyler died, Ryan was broken.

Now he uses humour to cope with it. He hardly ever shows how he's really feeling.

"I saw River went after you. Did she manage to catch up?" he quickly changes the subject after clearing his throat.

"Yeah, she did."

"Good." He nods his heads and lets out a breath of relief. "I'm glad she was there. She seems like a good girl."

"She is. She really is."

Ryan grins. "What's going on with her anyway? You dating?"

"Nah. We're good friends."

"But you want to date her?"

"Never said that."

"Mate, it's written all over your face."

"I don't want to date her. I mean...I don't know. I don't know what I want. We've only been speaking for a few weeks, it's too soon to be thinking about any of that," I explain.

I envision her straight brown hair, blowing back in the wind. Her eyelashes fluttering as she stares out into the distance, gazing at the town with her dreamy brown eyes. Her legs pressed against her body as she hugs herself for warmth in the cold weather.

I stared at her for hours yesterday, simply memorised by the look she had in her eyes as she gazed at the sky. The sky was the sky, nothing special about it, just a bland, grey canvas. River saw something different in it. She saw herself. She understood it. For me, it was only the sky.

"I do like her," I admit. "Being with her makes me happy. She makes me forget about everything, she understands. And the things she comes out with." I laugh and shake my head. "She's so blunt sometimes, even when she doesn't mean to be. I used to find it annoying, but I've grown to love it."

Ryan is smiling knowingly by the time I've finished my speech that just seemed to slip out by itself.

"Well, I can definitely tell that."

"Tell what?"

"That you like her. Fuck, Will. You've got it bad. I don't think I've ever heard you talk about someone that way, not even Evie."

I grimace my face. "Evie was different. She's nothing like River."

"Good. I'd hope not." Ryan puts out his cigarette and then leans over where he presses a harsh kiss against my cheek. "I'm happy for you, idiot. You deserve someone like that. River's a good one, I like her. I think she's good for you. I also think you're good for her, big boy. So don't fuck it up, alright?"

"Yes, boss," I chuckle, wiping the spot on my cheek where he kissed me.

"Lola's been going on and on about a double date. We'll need to set that up soon."

My head recoils. "Really? Are you guys dating?"

He shakes his head and smirks. "We're close, but not dating. We hug and we hold hands and we flirt. You know, that kinda shit. It's like sexual tension between friends, and so far it's great. We haven't gone further than that, I don't know if we ever will."

"You like her?"

"Yeah, obviously. Lola's a sound lass. She cracks me up most of the time."

"I can actually see that — you and Lola. I think you'd be well suited."

"You think?"

I nod my head and finish the rest of my cigarette. "I'm not sure about the double date, though. It's not exactly River's scene."

"Won't have to go anywhere busy. We could chill at my house or Lola's. Whatever River's comfortable with. Does she like walking? Perhaps we could go for a walk?"

River loves the quarry. Being trapped inside with a bunch of people she hardly knows seems to be her worst nightmare. Having a double date in the wilderness would most likely be more up her street.

"Yeah, maybe. Don't say anything to Lola yet, I still need to speak to River about this. What if she doesn't even want to go?" I rest my elbow on the side of the car and bite down on my bottom lip, sudden worries rising to the surface and making me doubt myself.

I've been so caught up in my own feelings for River that I haven't even been paying attention to her feelings. What if she doesn't feel the same way? What if she wants us to stay strictly at a friend level? I won't blame her if that is the case. We'll just remain friends and continue to act how we have been for weeks. I'm fine with whatever, just as long as River remains a part of my life.

I think I'm getting too attached, and I'm scared of what that might mean.

"Don't worry yourself about it. The whole date thing doesn't have to happen straight away. Take as long as you need, Lola and I can wait," Ryan assures me, chuckling at my anxious demeanour which is a new thing for him to witness.

I express a thankful smile. "Yeah, probably best to leave it for a little while longer. We're still in the process of getting to know one another."

My gaze shifts from the field ahead of us, so I'm able to catch a glimpse of Ryan's expression. He's smiling a sort of smile that someone would witness from their dad. A proud smile, full of relief to know that I'm finally happy. It's a type of smile that I will never receive from my dad.

He's already expressed that I am a disappointment. Nothing in the world would ever make him proud of me.

Nothing.

* * *

Ryan, Beck, the twins and I are all walking through the corridors together, travelling to Brains and River's chemistry class. The others are talking about Lola's party that she's throwing tomorrow just for the sake of it, but I'm too fixated on the music that is blessing my ears and keeping my heart at a steady pace.

It's the playlist that River and I made together at the quarry. It's the same playlist that I listen to for hours every day.

Everybody Wants To Rule The World, by Tears For Fears.

River and I both share a certain type of love for 80s music. We've both agreed that it was the best time of music. We would go back to that time period simply to listen to that music and get to experience it live.

We've been waiting outside their classroom for almost ten minutes. Ryan and the others are all dying of boredom, but I'm leaning against the wall feeling content because it gives me more time to listen to the music that both River and I cherish. The only downside is I have to wait longer to see her face again.

The door finally opens, and the students begin to pour out, pushing and shoving one another, desperate to get to lunch.

River and Brains are the last to walk out. She's got her earphones in, like me, and has her books held against her chest for protection. She always leaves last, I think it's because she doesn't like crowds.

They don't see us when they walk in the opposite direction to reach their lockers, so we have to move in order to catch us. Slight jealously pounds at my chest when I watch Ryan wrap his arm over River's shoulders. It's not jealously because I fear he'll take my place and get with her, it's jealously because he's doing all the things that I should be doing.

I'm so clueless sometimes.

We walk to the cafeteria, making plans for the weekend and growing too excited because we just can't wait. My friends are mostly excited because they can't wait to get pissed and dance around, but I'm just excited because I'll get to spend more time with River. My heart is beating erratically and my stomach is fluttering with butterflies. It's a feeling I've never experienced before, but one that I want to experience again and again.

Lola and Ryan are ahead of us in the queue as we wait to buy our lunch. They're both as hyper as each other, giggling and dancing around, shoving one another and play fighting. The people ahead of them are glaring in annoyance, but Lola and Ryan are the type of people who don't have one care about what others think of them.

"I finished a new book today," River informs me. Her eyes are filled with such light, she seems desperate to talk to someone about her new read.

"Oh yeah? What's it called?"

"You've Reached Sam." She inhales a deep breath, exhaling it after three seconds. "It really hit me. It makes you really understand the processes of grief; that once someone's gone, they're gone. It made me realise so much."

"Another sad book?"

She nods her head. "I cried." And then she stares at me and raises her eyebrows like it's such a shock before she explains. "I never cry."

"Must've been really sad then. I'll have to give it a read."

"You can borrow my book. I'm starting a new one now."

"What's this one?"

"The Hunger Games. I've only just started, though. So I'm not really sure how to feel about it so far. The movie's good, so I'm hoping the book will be as well."

An idea pops into my head, causing a tight smile to grow on my cheeks. "I'll buy the book and read it with you. Once we finish, we can share our thoughts."

Her eyes shimmer as an uncontrollable smile mirrors my face. "That's a good idea. We should do that."

I've noticed that River is slowly becoming more comfortable with me. She's talking more, expressing her feelings, laughing and smiling on a daily basis which is something that used to be rare for her. I'm seeing a new side to her everyday, witnessing a part of her that she's kept closed off from the world.

To see the real River Emerson is a privilege I never knew existed.