Hey.
It's me again.
I wanted to talk about a serious topic for today. If you don't do well with suicidal thoughts, don't read this.

So my life sucks at times. But in many different ways.

I like to think I'm nothing special in this world. But the truth is, I have a hard time like anyone else. My family is really religious. Especially my great grandparents. My uncle is a pastor, so that doesn't quite help my case.

I used to have hair up to my knees. I was adored for it. But i felt that.. My family only loved my hair. Especially my great grandmother. I would exceed all my classes and do whatever I could. But it wasn't enough to make her proud. One day, I couldn't take it anymore. I remember 2 days before my girlfriend's birthday, I asked her, "Would you still love me, if I didn't have long hair anymore?" She replied with "Of course, love. I'll love you no matter how you look."

I wanted to kill myself. I really did. But I felt that it wouldn't prove anything. People move on from deaths. People would forget me like I was just a speck of dirt. So i thought... What do people actually care about me?

My hair. I'm praised for my hair.

As a form of suicide... I cut my long hair. The worst part was... I thought I would cry. But I didn't.

After that day... life has been worse. My uncle found out I was suicidal and he told a bunch of my church. He didn't  have to do that, and I feel like he had no right to share my private family issue with a business.

From then, my grandmother found out I was bisexual and she yelled at me that she had enough of me. She told me to go to hell and she kicked me out of her house.

I had no where to go. My dad left us at a young age, my mom died 3 years ago, my triplet sister died last year of lung cancer. And now my family hates me. I am only twelve. Yet I had no one.

But her...

My girlfriend was the only one left that loved me. Her and my now twin brother who was gay.

Eventually, I got in contaxt with my older brother who had disappeared from the family years ago. He took the money our mother had left for him and at 16, he went to college and moved out.

But soon after my brother and I moved in with him, my twin brother hung himself. I woke up the morning and went to check on him as I did every morning... and I saw my brother hanging there... lifeless. I found a note at his feet that read,

Dear Machenzy,
I'm sorry. I promised to never leave you but I broke that promise. I couldn't take the pain and torcher anymore. You know as well as I do that I can't be as strong as you.. Cry. It's ok. You don't have to stay strong for me, even though I know that you will. Don't lose like I did. I love you, Maxie. I know it's hard. But don't follow my footsteps. You never did.

Sincerely, your brother,
Maxis Jason.

I still went to school that day. I stayed as strong as I could. But then came lunch. I broke down crying. I couldn't take it. He was dead. He was one of the only people I had left. And now he's gone.

For all the people thinking about suicide, don't do it. Don't cut, don't die. I know how it feels. I may not know what you're going through, but I know that it hurts.

Here's my advice. Live life to the fullest. Never live in the past. You may be getting bullied by whoever, abused, and maybe not accepted. But you matter. To me, you do. To friends online, you do. To friends in real life. Think about the people who love you. Appreciate everyone and everything. Cus it may not last.

LGTBQ+ Aren't the only ones who suffer from depression.

I love you, My Pretty Lil Psychos. Until next time,

Bai ♡