So today is 10/11/18 and i have therapy today at 2 o'clock and i am kinda glad because i have been feeling a bit more happy than i usually am and i am liking it so much but my friend has been hurting herself because of her mom was abusing her and it's worrying me because she has had a horrible past and she does things that i dont like as in she is doing drugs like weed and she has been cutting herself and its hurting me because i care a lot about her safety and her feelings that it's crazy i love her till space ends and i do with a lot of people because it's true about how i feel towards them.

Today is 10/19/18 and my friend destiny is saying things about herself that's not true and i do not accept what she is saying and others have been saying things to her i don't know if she goes to a therapist or not but if not then she needs to immediately because she needs to tell someone how she feels and i'm getting concerned about her i might have to report her to mrs.frank. And it is 12:09 and i am a bit sad because my friend is hurting herself with words that aren't true so that's just great and i just want to go home so i can be alone i hope this doesn't last long today like it use to i have been happy a lot more these past days to a week and i am glad but now that my friend is depressed and it is affecting me and i told her to think positive but she said no but she keeps on saying things to me about her and how she's worthless and its affecting my mood i don't want to be depressed again because i have been so happy it's crazy and i love it but now i'm depressed because of her putting words on MY SHOULDERS AND I HATE IT SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!PLEASE MAKE MY BIPOLAR STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Great now i am crying my eyes out it is 1:17 pm and i want to go home so i can be alone with my mom i need her i don't want to be here at this school it makes me sad i hate it so much I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I was born in the wrong time and in the wrong place !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am still crying and i can't stop.............oh what i would do right now to be home alone right now i miss my mom i need my mom i am alone i have nobody no one i'm drowning i see black and then nothing i see nothing but black. I'm sorry for all the trouble i put everyone in im sorry mom......dad......kaylie.......everyone i m sorry FOR BEING HERE I SHOULD BE no i'm not gonna say it i don't want to die i want to live but i am alone i am letting my best friend take over me and i am giving into him and i can't stop him he has won i will let u talk to him here he is

DARKNESS:

You wonder why he didn't talk it's because he is alone and he wants me to be alone too so i am letting him it is now 1:36 so i have to go in a few minutes because my study hall ends i'm sorry if i let you down i know i am a disappointment to this cruel world i know im a whore,slut,faggot................and a ................Mistake to everyone ik that if i leave my friends will be hurt and i don't want that so i wont do it yes i have done somethings to myself that i regret but now i have to live with it well this is goodbye till next time i need you ............................Goodbye.................

HI today is 10/22/18 and right now the time is 10: 02 and i am in language arts and UGH i have to wright something on the computer for the outsiders????? I think but all ik is that my day has been going well so far and i am very happy about it my teacher is getting copies of the paper that i need sooooooooooo yea. I'll check in with you in a little bit when she comes back but for now she gives me anxiety and i don't Like it at all i mean i am starting to fail her class because i cant do my vocab on time which i HATE IT SO FREAKING MUCH because i don't have the time because i'm also behind in math JESUS CHRIST JUST MAKE IT STOP. Hi it is currently 1:16 and i am in study hall talking to my favorite mom and being bored and doing another project in photography UGH and i am listening to Let me die so yes i am kinda in a depressed mood again and i don't know why but i still am a little happy oh and the i will be right back......

Today is 10/25/18.SOMEONE SAVE ME FROM ALL THIS CRAP THAT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH!!!!!!!like seriously i am so done with it i can't get anything done in any of my classes because mom doesn't know how to do my math kaylie is always out with her friends and my dad aint got a clue about MATH EITHER IT'S SO FRUSTRATING LIKE REALLY I HAVE TO DO SO MANY PROJECTS AHHHHHHHHH I AM SO DONE I AM GONNA DROP OUT WHEN I AM 18 because i am done with this BS I AM F***King DONE UGH I AM SO MAD I COULD RIP OFF THE HEAD OF A TEDDY BEAR AND THROW IT INTO PIECES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So today is 10/26/18 and i am so TICKED i just lost all my files for my project that's just great more stress put on my shoulders YAAAAAAAAAAY I AM SO DONE THIS IS SO STUPID I CAN'T WAIT TO JUST UGGGGGGGHHHHHH I HATE SCHOOL IT HATES ME UGH IF I COULD JUST LEAVE RN TRUST ME I WOULD LEAVE I HAVE 1,2,3,4, 4 PROJECTS THAT ARE DUE OR WHERE DUE UGH THIS SUCKS I HAVE SO MUCH STRESS TO DEAL WITH I JUST CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE IT'S SO HARD!

HI ummm......so yesterday i broke up with romeo and i think that was a mistake today is 11/6/18 and it is 1:14 pm and umm my Bff/SISTER is hurting she is crying and having anxiety attacks she needs me but i don't.

Hey today is 11/27/18 and it is 1:18 pm and i am hurting so bad my body hurts because i started basket ball a while ago........UGH DON'T WANT TO PLAY BASKETBALL ANYMORE IT HURTS SO MUCH UGH WHY CAN'T I NOT DO SPORTS I DON'T WANT TO ITS STUPID MOM SAYS THAT I......ME..........WILL BE LAZY AND I WON'T JUST BECAUSE I GAINED A FEW POUNDS DOES NOT MEAN THAT I WILL BE LAZY OK?!?!?!?! I WON'T GOD DANG IT I WANT TO JUST CRY TOO MUCH STRESS THAT IS ON MY SHOULDERS I AM FAILING LA I HAVE A THING TO DO FOR MRS FRANK I HAVE A PHOTO ESSAY IN PHOTOGRAPHY AND A PROJECT DUE IN PHOTOGRAPHY TODAY.......TODAY!!!!! I MEAN WHY WHY ME WHY CAN'T I BE SMART LIKE MY FRIENDS =,( JUST WHY GOD DANG IT.just why.................. it's not like i will be smart like kaylie,katie,kayla,brendan,seth,etc im worthless a mistake...........do u love me would you even miss me if i was gone i didn't think so....you hate me its ok i hate myself too.......kaylie has been building me up and putting me down i mean it's not like she loves me nobody will understand me.........when somebody tells you the same thing over and over and over again it WILL get drilled in your head some of the things she says to me are you are a MISTAKE......Don't be such a B***H....W***E....S**T.AND MORE I CANT ANYMORE SHE BREAKS ME EVERYTIME SHE DOES THIS TO ME NOBODY WILL UNDERSTAND THE PAIN THAT I HAVE TO GO THROUGH ITS NOT AS SIMPLE TO JUST GET UP IN THE MORNING I HAVE TO FIND A REASON TO GET UP I NEED TO FIND A REASON TO STAY HERE BREATHING I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE!!!!! MAKE IT STOP PLEASE.........................................................

Today is 12/3/18 at 4:43pm and i'm on the N list which is if you didnt turn in a summative then you go on that list which means that you can't do sports or go to dances SOOOO YUP DAMN i hate this my dad told me i DON'T HAVE ANXIETY WELL FOR YOUR INFORMATION I DO BI**H!!!!!! JUST LEAVE ME THE F*** ALONE YOU BA*****D. I HATE HIM SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!UGH I HATE HIM SO MUCH DAD WHY DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND YOUR OWN DAUGHTER HUH????!?!??! MAN SCREW MY LIFE RN!!!!!!!!!!

Hey today is 12/5/18 the time is 1:07 and i feel like absolute crap rn and my mom wants me to get anything down my throat and i am scared to do it and she doesn't understand that i just have a fear of them doing something wrong if i am overthinking but i'm scared of hospitals especially needles I made a poem today hmmm its kinda deep though but here it is Its called...

My First Cut...

The cut wasn't deep

no blood was shed

It was just the pain Of scratches across my leg

leaning against the wall

leaning till I fall

crying on the floor

Not because of the simple pain

but because of the emotions I have to ENDURE!!

Letting it all out

till I feel empty inside

this is just the beginning of what i had to hide,

Hiding behind a smile is ever so tough

now hiding behind long sleeves is going to be ruff

This fight i have not won

because it's only just begun.

SO that's the poem and i.......i don't even care if u liked it or not because it's not like u would. Everytime when mom and dad are together i feel like they will burst out in a fight with ME in the middle. Have your parents ever said something to u that u could never ever forgive them for well both of mine did a long time ago when i came home after not being aloud to go to my friends house me and daddy got in a fight and he said "YEA WILL U RUINED MY LIFE!!!!! " i still won't forgive him for saying that no matter what he does..... And my mom said that I.....WAS THE REASON WHY ME AND YOUR FATHER ARE FIGHTING!!!!!! " i won't forgive her yes i am holding a grudge but it really hurt ik i have said things too that hurt them but a parent isn't supposed to say that to their child?! I still love them tough but i don't want to do that appointment im scared but it doesn't seem like mom cares if your child is scared of something don't freaking FORCE THEM TO DO IT OR GO NEAR IT?!?!?!!?!?!?!? I WOULD RATHER PUKE EVERY SINGLE MORNING THAN TO GO TO SOMETHING I AM SCARED OF!!!!!!!!

SOOOOO Today is 12/10/18 and it is 1:15 pm and i have quit basketball i feel like i let my team down=( But i am not having fun im hurting ik i should keep playing but im not having fun but i do like soccer i have a load of fun playing it and today i don't have any meds sooo im still pretty calm which is good because i am able to control myself YAY. Oh and christmas is almost here i might get a goku cosplay suite YAYAYAYAY I CAN BE KAKAROT!!! WOOOH well i hope i do because if not then that's ok but i really want a cosplay suite.

Today is 12/11/18 and my foot is swelling SO BAD and i don't know why BUT IT HURTS SO BAD i think it's infected!!!!! ITS BLACK i dont think thats ok for it to be that color I can't even put my boot on without it hurting UGH i need to have it looked at by someone i am about to cry it hurts so bad the nurse said its just a blister. MAYBE BUT IT LOOKS LIKE ITS INFEcted and i don't like it at all I HATE IT, IT HURTS. I can't wait to go home .

Hey it's 5:30 pm and my sister just called me ugly i hate her she is a bully to me she doesn't care about me or anybody else i hate her so much why does she do this to me her own sister GOD D** IT I CAN'T STAND HER AND MOM IS TRYING ALL SHE can to stop her from hurting me but its not working at all she doesn't care about me,mom,dad, or anyone and it's getting really old and it needs to stop!!!! JUST F**K I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE SHE MAKES ME WANT TO HURT MYSELF BUT I CAN'T DO IT or else she would win maybe if i killed myself she would be happy but I WON'T DO IT cause i want her to lose this "war"

SOOOOO Today is 12/13/18 and my dearest friend Kayla is cutting she even cut the word fat into her arm and im getting worried bout it if this gets worse then i will and I WILL report her to mrs frank i don't want to but thankfully she is telling her mom about it and i'm happy for that but she is scared about it and i understand why because it's something very sad and scary to hear from ur own daughter and i told her about this song that she has heard of its called "Baby Don't cut" And i told her about a few lyrics from it the first one that i said to her was "But listen pretty lady you don't have to be alone. So baby don't cut baby don't cut you can do anything just promise baby you won't cut....." (time rn is 1:30) i have to go in 9 minutes I LOVE HER TILL SPACE ENDS AND SPACE DON'T END i love all my friends like that but especially her i don't want to see her hurt at all i don't want to see anybody hurt or go through this pain that they have to i mean i hate to see her sad it hurts me a lot and i mean A LOT! But it's part of life IK that life S**ks a** but...... I just don't want to see her like this she is so precious to me it's crazy i alway wonder if she is ok i even do that with romeo and katie but not as much as i do with kayla i love her so much UGH I CANT EVEN EXPLAIN HOW MUCH I LOVE HER if she decides she wants to leave this world then shes gonna see me in heaven because i'm going with her i will do the same to all my friends foes and family trust me ik how this feels it s**ks but you have to deal with this..... She is an amazing person she's funny, caring, creative, really really silly, weird and that's what i love about her yea she has those times when she won't talk to me because she's upset i have to go in 2 minutes and i will continue this more today even during my next class because she is just a different person than all my other friends she's just my girl she is everything to me and she doesnt think that anybody cares about her well she has many things coming well i have to go i will finish this in my Photography see ya.

Today is 12/18/18 and its 1:36 and umm my crush asked someone out and now i'm a little depressed because i really really really liked him but he liked someone else her name is rachel strout and i can't make him love me so i have to get over him sadly but why does having your heart get crushed hurt so bad please answer that goodbye for now.

Hey today is 12/20/18 and it's almost CHRISTMAS TIME YAAAAY!!! (BTW IT'S 9:50)

I might be getting a goku cosplay suite it's gonna be so cool i'm also getting new boots!!! I got an electric eraser a new sketch pad and PROBABLY SOME DBZ STUFF AND CHRISTMAS IS TUESDAY so that means 1,2,3,4,5 DAYS LEFT if you don't count tuesday then that's 4 days left till CHRISTMAS YAY!!!😀😀😀😀. I CAN'T WAIT FOR CHRISTMAS TO COME,I WISH IT WAS SATURDAY. I hope i get the cosplay suite if i don't then i will be a little sad but that's ok because christmas is about friends and family and giving not taking. Anyways i have to go im at therapy BYE BYE!!!!

Hey............umm.....so i ummm hate mom rn because she isn't trusting me with my phone in my room and i don't know why she doesn't want my phone to be in my room IM 14 DUMBA** and i can't anymore i just got done bashing my head and punching the wall and now i wanna cut because now i cant talk to my bf for 2 fu**king weeks THANKS B**CH ight ima go and die bye............!!!!!!!

Today is 2/26/19 And my father is not being a good role model to me and my family!! He has taken his step kids to florida when i recall him saying "Yea i will take you girls to florida next time we go i promise!!" Next time comes along..... "We are going to florida!!" "Dad can we come??" "Not this year." and he just isn't there for us anymore.....and im....WE are just done with this we can't deal with his bs anymore he used to be there when we needed him the most And now he is gone the father we loved the most has left us because of jessica mom has been crying because of dad's actions.

Hey so today is 2/27/19 and i have two crushes but one of them i actually love more but i don't know who it is but for now i have been calling one of my crushes his name is Romeo yes ik we broke up but we still like each other and he is just a really nice, caring, funny person to be around and to be WITH i am just scared because of my dad doesn't really approve of me dating people who aren't from lisbon sooo yea. Romeo is a really really cute person and is just soooo caring and that is what i look for in a guy and it's the same way with my other crush his name is seth but i have known him longer than romeo but i feel like i have known romeo my whole life and ugh i...he....he's just someone you don't want to EVER EVER lose!!!! I love him so much it's crazy he and i have so many things in common he likes to draw i like to draw we both like anime and we love eachother... i said i need a break from love because me and joshua my ex broke up and he was my everything but he wasn't loyal like most of the boys i have dated but romeo is the guy he is the one i have been looking for i am just afraid that my wounded heart will be ripped again into a million pieces but i don't think it will happen with us he is the one i have been searching for and i hope my dad will allow it. I have to go see ya!!!!

Hi.......i.......my family is fighting and i hate it so much i can't do it they they need to stop it i just want to die rn because i just can't it anymore the fighting has to stop if it doesn't then......i will start to cut because i want the pain to go elsewhere then my heart and head i can't do it anymore!!!!!!! I AM SICK OF IT SO GOD DAMN MUCH ITS GONNA STOP IT HAS TO STOP IF NOT THEN.......i don't know i will just cut cause like i said i want the pain to be somewhere else not my heart or my head!!!!!!!!!............i just can't yea i wanna cut rn because i'm sick of the fighting but i can't because then i will be hurting romeo ik ik i am not gonna do it i am not gonna do it i can't and i won't because.....i don't want to hurt my lover and my friends and my family. WHY DO THEY HAVE TO FIGHT SO MUCH IT'S......ME........oh god i am done with life it sucks a** i can't anymore!!!!!!!!! Today is 3/8/19 and.....you know what nevermind.....bye......You know what no ima say it so kaylie and mom where fighting and i went into my mood when i want to cut and die but there is one person that is keeping me from doing that..........and its romeo i love him so much he deals with my bs like no other person would hes always there for me and talks me out of harm's way i love him so much and i couldn't ask for a better man than him.
OOOOOOOOKKKKKK!!!! SO me any my bf are fighting and i don't know why. But im scared that he will break up with me and...what if he does i will....be lost i love him so much i need to calm my thoughts he thinks i will cut but i wont......and im just scared for us will he break up with me he calls me names but i let it fly because i love him too much!!! But now i am getting hurt by them.......i am scared what do i do.......im am not going to break up with him i cant i love him i love him till i die im scared......IM F***ING SCARED WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO US I DON'T WANT THIS TO END I JUST WANT TO STOP FIGHTING!!!!!!!!!!!...........im scared what is going to happen!!!!!!!!.........btw it is 3/20/19 and......................he keeps calling himself names and i don't like it please make the FIGHTING STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND NO I WILL NOT BREAK UP WITH HIM!!!!!!!!!..bye.............

Hey so today is 4/30/19 it is 11:42 am and i broke up with romeo a while ago, but i'm glad because he was just hurting me and i finally had enough of it i thought he was the guy but i was wrong like i always am but i now have a crush actually he's been my crush ever since i met him it's the same guy seth simmons and i dont know hes just amazing hes so nice and just amazing i don't want to lose him i know we aren't dating but i.....i just don't want to lose him as a friend either if i do i will not forgive myself he's so funny, smart, caring, and just all out amazing he's the kind of guy that will always be there for you when you need him. So he was supposed to go to prom with me but sadly he doesn't have the money to go which broke me cause he is just an amazing person. He's everything i have ever wanted in a guy i'm just glad he's my friend too. Seth is just awesome he's just an awesome guy i can't say it enough of how amazing he is. I love him i would do anything for him i know i need to take a break from dating but i really like him, one time we were talking on snapchat and he said that he found a new crush and it was me so i lied and said "i've been over you for about a month or two." but that was a big lie i never got over him and it's.....it's so hard to get over him.......i just can't get over him no matter how hard i try.........seth is omg just an amazing person to have as a lover and a friend you don't want to lose him no matter what you don't want to lose him and if you do you will and i mean YOU WILL regret it. He's just amazing like i have said one million times. Well i have to go! Bye!!!

Hey so today is 5/1/29 and my dad is going to go to my therapist session and i'm kinda nervous because i'm going to tell him everything that i feel about him oh lord i'm scared i don't know what he is going to say 😥😥 I am going to tell him that he has changed a lot. HE EVEN MAKES MOM CRY!!!!!!! And it's heartbreaking to see her crying GOD I HATE IT I HATE HIM!!!!!!! EVER SINCE HE MET JESSICA HAYES BECAME A ToTAL IDIOT HE HASN'T DONE ANYTHING NICE TO US (kaylie mom and i ) and i have had enough of it im DONE WHY IS HE SUCH A BI**H to us i...i...i don't get it what did we do to him NOTHING RIGHT!!!!! HE LETS JESSICA TALK CRAP about mom and i'm done with his bs IM DONE!!!! And i think kaylie is too, mom always defends dad when me and kaylie call him names and i don't understand why he hasn't done anything nice to mom i recall when jessica, dad, and kaylie were talking in the living room i heard jessica say about mom " SHE DOESN'T disappoint you she is a horrible mother i'm sorry that you don't have a good mother!!" and i was in the kitchen helping with dinner. The reason why i don't like to go to his house is because i don't feel welcome there.........neither does kaylie and we don't want to hear jessica talk crap about mom. We had a family meeting with mom dad kaylie and me and kaylie pointed at dad crying and said "I HATE GOING TO YOUR HOUSE BECAUSE YOU LET JESSICA TALK SH*T ABOUT MOM!!!!" dad didn't even deny it and that pi**ed off mom i'm sick and tired of him he's not the dad he used to be sometimes i don't consider him my father. He's Not the same dad anymore and it's sad he wants to have the same relationship that kaylie and i have with mom but that's never EVER gonna happen!!!!!!god what happened to him......i am gonna go cause i'm about to cry see ya.......