What's this? An actual chapter? Holy crap, she must either be on drugs or doing 100 push-ups!
(You'll get that in a minute)

Okay so I was scrolling through my phone's photos and I found this one screenshot from October of my friend explaining to me why he 'thought' (he didn't actually think that) I was on drugs because I said there was less than a 100% chance of me saying yes if he asked me to a dance.

So basically here's the conversation(an excerpt):
Him: *some question about something vague and hypothetical that I forget*
Me: so basically you're saying there's zero chance of me answering yes before I k ow the question.
Him: yeah, obviously.
Me: I seriously doubt that. I'd give it a 60% or higher, depending.
Him: uh huh. are you on drugs or something?
Me: no..
Him: Well that answer makes it seem like you just hit up some guy in Kensington.
Me: What?
Him: Yep
(The rest is in the media)

So yeah. And to be clear, I knew what he was asking from the beginning because my he told my friend beforehand. Said friend is a tattle-tale and she shipped it, so I found out a few hours before this exchange.

Basically what I'm getting at here is 1) my friends are weird and 2) this story has a huge background story and crap and it's super annoying so naturally I'm gonna tell you guys.

Okay. 4th grade(ish): this kid's sister is friends with my sister, so the four of us are hanging out at the swim club. His sister goes to get a snack and sit down so the remaining three of us walk over to the basketball court. On a related note, my sister and his have been collecting golf balls in a bucket since the place is next to a golf course. Anyway, the three of us start throwing golf balls at each other and I'm about to throw one at the kid when he's just sorta like "I like you" so I stop and my sister nails him in the balls with a golf ball. Go sister!

8th grade: the kid, me, and my friend I mentioned earlier (as well as a few other friends of mine) are in German class together and we sit like this:
|wall| some dweeb|friend| friend-ish|
|wall|him|me|friend|
keep in mind we've barely spoken since 4th grade
So several times a day he shoves my desk with his foot into my other friend's desk. (He's very tall like most of my friends(ugh))
So one day he, my friends, and I are having free time in German and we made a google doc story and it was super weird and messed up. I'll summarize it:
So he's on his roof and "look at nearly 47.68 degree angle" from his roof and sees me with a sniper gun so he jumps down but some other kids in our class have a helicopter and one "activates the PA and yells, "You gonna go through HELL before you get what you want!" and she shows me a picture of the back of her heli to reveal Emma Watson, tied up and screaming for help. "
(He had/has a thing for Emma Watson. He once wrote on a piece of loose leaf which he handed to me: EMMA WATSON and in tiny print in the bottom corner: doesn't compare to you)
And he is knocked out and in this helicopter and then he wakes up and "I hear a door open, and for a while there is no sound. "I've been waiting," says the soothing voice of the one and only Emma Watson. "You seemed very brave down there." "Thanks..." I stammer, dazed. "W-w-why were you tied up-p-p?" "They used me as a hostage to draw you out. It was all just a ploy to get you out." "But why draw me out?" She answers by gently untying my bonds and leaving the room"
(Btw this is his perspective) and then he's talking to my friend and:
""Why did you bring me here? And, where is here?" "Here is the secret basement of my torture operations. And I brought you here to make sure I could get what I wanted before you got what you wanted.""
Oh and then: "Emma inches closer to me on the cot. "Why don't we go back to my room? It's much more comfortable." 
"Sure," I say without even thinking about it. We get up and head to her room. It is lavishly furnished, with a king sized bed at the head. She invites me to sit down.
"I've been talking with Ronnie, and from what she's told me, you seem to be a horrible person. But then I talked to you, and you didn't really have any of that edge Ronnie seemed to think you had." She inches closer.
"Yeah, Ronnie always exaggerates. You could ask her if... say... hmm... you were beautiful, and she'd write a huge long poem about it. But even then I'm not sure she'd really capture the true beauty I see."
"Aww, that's so sweet of you!" Emma says, as she inches ever closer.
And that imperceivable magnet, pulling our heads together, and we're kissing, and it's so beautiful, and we're on the bed now, and she's running her hands everywhere, down my back, on my arms, and it's all so great, and she's pulling off —
I wake up, iPad over my face. It was all a dream. Ronnie comes in and bursts out laughing.
"I knew it! Haha!" She punctuated this cry of victory with a brisk slap to my face with her iPad."
And my favorite part(I'm Cassie, btw): "I could hear faint screaming, but he screams like when you're on a ride, not screams of horror. They got louder and louder, and before I knew it, I had been wrecked, the wind knocked out of me, and I was flat on my back. The person on top of me laughed, and that' when I noticed who it was. Cassie was on that slide. I just got absolutely RKO'd by Cassie."

Okay this is super incoherent sorry I'm just going to post the whole story thing on another chapter and then continue my rant-y-thing.