Chapter 21
"No." He shakes his head. "I don't just think that. I know." He smiles. "I'm in love with you Annabeth." And his smile widens as if those words were finally free and he was free to say them. He looked happy, clearly opposite of what I had felt.
"Nope. Trust me you don't and you don't want to." I sit up, fixing myself for no apparent reason just to avoid any other unnecessary confrontation I know I can't avoid any longer. But hey I can delay it right? Be in total denial?
"No? Well that wasn't quite the answer I was expecting." He sits up.
"Well I don't know what you were expecting me to say but I can guarantee you that you won't hear it from me." I stand up. "Can we go now?" It wasn't even a question really, all I wanted was to get the hell away from here and forget the entire night had even happened. I knew I shouldn't have left my bed this morning.
"Wait, what? We just got here?" He looks at me confused. I look down feverishly for my phone messing the blanket laid out which he was still laying on.
"Well I want to go so let's go." I left the blanket. Furious that I couldn't find it. "What are you looking for?"
"My phone!" I yell exasperated.
"It's in your pocket!" I stop momentarily and check my back pockets, feeling my phone. "Annabeth." I stop and stare down at him.
"What? What do you want? What do you want from me?" He stares up at me silently and grabs my arm, pulling me down next to him.
"I don't know what's going on but I do know your trying to avoid the situation." I glare at him. But this seemed to only make him mad from the way he was starting to glare back at me. "Your avoiding the situation like always!" He gets up. "And I just let you get away with it like always! I don't know why I even let you do that!" He stops for a moment. "Actually no I'm lying. I do know why, it's because I love you so much that it doesn't matter what it is because all I know is that I want to be with you and I love you and that's all that matters." He laughs. "Why the fuck am I in love with you?" I continue staring up at him, glaring at him rather.
"I mean I never loved anyone before in my entire life as much as I love you. Never." He lifts up his hands. "But nooooo! My first love has to be with a stubborn sarcastic girl. A girl which I don't even know much about may I add!" He chuckles cold heartedly. Staring down at me as he does so.
"Why? I know you love me. I see it in your god damn eyes, I fucking see it." He shakes his finger at me like I was a child in deep, deep trouble. "You want to know how I know this?" He doesn't wait for my response. "Because it's the same god damn way I know I look at you." He exhales. "Why won't you just let me in? Why don't you just tell me what's going on?"
I look straight ahead avoiding his eyes. "Fucking tell me! I'm here aren't I? I'm standing right here! You want to know what I want from you? I want you to fucking tell me the truth!" I get up furious.
"I'm scared!" He furrows his brows, flinching slightly as if he wasn't expecting that answer. He was breathing heavily, probably from all that yelling.
"You're scared?" He pauses. "Why are you scared? I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." He cups my cheeks but I only shove them away.
"Yeah. Right." I laugh. "You won't go anywhere," I imitate him. "Isn't that what they all say until one day they just leave like it was nothing! Tell me again how many times have you moved?" I watch as he breaths deeply.
"Look I will never hurt you and you have to understand that by now." He shakes his head. "I love you. I will never do anything to hurt you."
I shake my head. Yeah like I haven't heard that one before. "Look I know you have a past." I stare at him with disbelief. "I'm not completely in the dark, I mean I've heard rumors..." He drifts off. "I know your not ready to tell me what exactly happened and I accept that. But I just don't get why you won't let me in or why you won't tell me you feel the same way because I know you do." I laugh, tilting my head back.
"No ones told you."
"Told me what?" I continue to laugh.
"Of course no one has told you." I shake my head. "I mean why would they?"
"Told me what?" I continue shaking my head. "Tell me! Fuck I can't take this anymore!" He walks closer to me. "I don't care what anyone says, I love you! I loved you since I first bumped into you and spilled that tea all over you which you gave me hell for." He laughs, finally showing his smile for the first time since this argument. "I love your smile. I love the way you laugh, the way you talk. I love the fact that you don't care about the way you look or dress- as long as it's anything black." He laughs, cupping my cheeks willing me to look into his eyes.
"I love your big brown eyes. Your dark long brown hair. Or how when you sleep you always reach out to make sure that I'm there." I do that? "I love how you speak your mind, not caring if it sounds rude or not, which most of the time is." He smiles, stepping a bit more closer to me. "There's so many things I love about you and I can go on and on about them." He looks down at the floor, avoiding eye contact.
"There's just one thing," he looks back at me. "One thing that I hate." He pauses. "I hate how no matter how many times I tell you or how many times I show you that you could trust me with anything, show you that I care for you... You don't believe me." He looks at me, with hurt pouring out of his eyes. "You won't give me your all like I would happily give you mine... It's like half of you is with me but the other half is gone, like it's somewhere else."
I stay quiet. Biting the inside of my lip hard enough to feel the metallic taste of blood in my mouth. Hard enough that the spot I was biting my lip felt numb. I walk backwards moving away from his arms and him, turning to the car.
He can't love me. He just can't. He doesn't love me. He can't love me!
"And why can't I?" Did I say that out loud? I shake my head and reach for the passenger side door, opening it just about an inch before it slams shut by Nathan.
"What the hell Nathan!"
"Why Annabeth? Why can't I love you?" He slams his other hand on the car, trapping me. Of course I could easily get away from him I mean I could duck under his arms then go to the other side of the car but he has the keys so he could just lock it therefore I would have no way of escaping him. I sigh. Looks like there's no escaping this.
"You can't love somebody like me." He furrows his brows.
"Somebody like you? What do you mean..."
"I'm that person that everyone knows to stay away from if they know what's good for them. I ruin everyone that has any type of connection with me." I take a breath trying to relax my breathing. "I'll only hurt you in the end, I always do." I shake my head in defeat. "I can't love you Nathan. I'm sorry but I just can't."
"You can't or you won't?" I look away from him, staring out into the road.
"I would like to go home now."
"Not until you tell me why." I stare at him, frustrated over the fact that we were still here talking about this when I sure as hell don't want to anymore.
"Look Nathan, you said it felt like you only had half of me, right?" He nods. "Well you just have to understand I can never give you my all." I know it's not what he's asking me right now but it was a part of it.
"Why not?"
"Because half of me is gone and I don't think I will ever get it back." I shrug my shoulders. "And you just have to except that about me."
He stares at me silently. I sigh, "one day. Maybe one day I will be able to give you my all but for now I can't and I won't give you that."
"What do I have?"
"What?" He stares down at me.
"I mean what half do I have?" I open my mouth slightly then close it right away. I close my eyes, unable to look at him at the moment.
"The half that wants to forget." So desperately.
"And the other half?" I look down at the dirt. Kicking it with the toe of my shoe.
"The other half," I laugh weakly. "That's the half that never in my wildest dreams wants to forget." And I never will. Not for anything in the world. I will never forget.
We stay silent for what feels like an eternity. Standing awkwardly in front of each other, the wind gently hitting us. "Can I go home now?" This time he doesn't object as he moves his hand away from the door. I quickly open it and climb inside the passenger seat and slam it shut after me. I continue looking straight ahead until I see him leave in the corner of my eye. I turn, watching as he puts everything he set up for me away.
I look away. Well congratu-fucking-lations Annabeth. You ruined your one real chance in happiness. I ruined everything in just one night.
Three words. Eight letters. And I couldn't say them to save my life.
I grip the sides of my seat, squeezing my eyes shut like if I can magically transport myself to a couple hours before the date and cancel so this would have never happened.
But it did. And I can't take it back.
The back door opens but I refused to open my eyes as he puts the stuff away. I open my eyes when the car door shuts close.
As soon as he gets in the car the atmosphere was absolutely horrible. You can literally slice the tension between us with a knife.
He turns on the car but doesn't make any move to go. I realize I still haven't put my seatbelt on. I quickly do so, Nathan following suit and just like that he puts the car into drive and we take off.
No one dared to say a word or touch by any means necessary. Or breath for that matter. It felt like eternity until we finally arrived at my house. But even then we still sat inside the car. Unwilling to move.
It felt like the end for some reason. I couldn't come up with anything to say in fear I would just hurt him more. Either way what was there to say really? Apologies for ruining such a perfect moment because I couldn't for the life of me utter the words that he had wanted me to say? Simple words that anyone can say, with meaning or without.
I wanted to scream. Scream out all the frustration I had building up inside of me. Scream like a psycho maniac because I was one. I was undeniably a psycho maniac right at this moment. I wanted to thrash and yell. Punch and latch out until the feeling in the pit of my heart and stomach was satisfied and fed.
"I-um," I turn to Nathan as he clears his throat awkwardly like sensing the fact I wanted to escape this car and run for the hills. Well actually opposite direction of the hills. There's no way in hell I was ever going back there again. "I won't be here for a couple of days. I'll be out of town for the family reunion."
So was this his plan? Leaving me right after telling me he loves me for a couple of days in case things turned to shit- which did by the way. I mean I made absolute sure to do that.
Almost like sensing my question, Nathan quickly says, "I was going to bring you with me, you know, to meet my entire family. I don't know if you remember me telling you about it... But if you still want to go the offer is still on the table..."
"Have a good trip Nathan." I unbuckle my seatbelt and unlock my side door.
"Annabeth can we just please talk about this?"
"There's nothing else to say." I slam the door shut, speed walking as quickly as I could to my front door.
"Annabeth!" I take out my keys in a rush causing them to fall to the floor with a thud. Oh Crap. I bend down to pick it up. "Annabeth! We have to talk about this you can't avoid this, not again!"
The door opens in front of me while I was bending down, keys in hand. I look up at my dad, he was staring at us, analyzing the situation, knowing very well something was definitely wrong.
He furrows his brows slightly, not knowing what he got himself into. I took his confusion as a chance to escape and rush inside. Running up the stairs before Nathan could have the chance to stop me.
I stop at the top of the stairs where I knew they couldn't see me and listen to them as they talked by the front door. I heard bits and pieces of the conversation which was Nathan discussing to my father how he would be gone for a few days like he had told me in the car to explain his absence in the next few days.
The door suddenly shuts, making me jump in surprise before going back into action and scurrying to my room to avoid the talk with my dad. I lock the door behind me and jump into bed pulling the covers over me. A few seconds later my dad is knocking on my bedroom door calling for me, asking me if I was okay. I answer back, something about always being okay and not to worry.
That seemed to bring him at peace for I hear footsteps turning away from outside my door. About fifteen minutes later or so, the pounding on my door continues. "Open up!" I ignore the demands and continue making myself lodge deeper into my bed.
"I swear to god Annabeth!" I finally get up in frustration and unlock the door before flopping right back into bed and going under the covers. I hear the door creak open and I shut my eyes closed and move deeper into the covers. Hopefully she won't notice I was hiding in my bed.
"What's wrong?" The covers are pulled off of me, revealing Lily in her pjs. My dad must have known to call her. She sits in my bed, waiting for my response. I pull the cover back up. "He said he loves me." I mumble.
"What?" I sit up, pouting. Annoyed over the fact that I had to say it again out loud.
"Do I really have to repeat that?" She nods. "He said he loves me."
"Holy! No way! Oh my god! This is fantastic! Did he say 'I love you' or 'I'm in love with you' because in love is just taking it into a entirely different level. It means so much more than 'I love you' have you noticed that? I mean anyone can say..."
"He said I'm in love with you." Her mouth falls agape then shuts as she squeals in delight.
"He said in!" She pumps up her fist in victory, jumping on the bed. "Well what did you say?"
"I didn't say it back." I shrug my shoulders.
"Well why the hell not?" I look at her pointedly.
"You know why." This time she stays quiet. Going from serious to animate back to serious again, in just a few minutes.
"I know- but..." I shake my head, not wanting to get into the conversation. She sighs, "well how did he tell you?" I told her everything from beginning to end with all the ugly parts in between. Once I was done she stared at me silently for a few minutes. "You love him." I stay silent. "You love him don't you?"
"I can't just say it. I can't."
"You can't or you won't?" I stay quiet. Well doesn't the feel like deja vu?
"I can't and I won't." She sighs for what feels like the millionth time already.
"I know why but you love him despite everything and he deserves to know and you deserve to enjoy being loved and loving." She grabs my hand. "You over anyone deserves to feel loved and you are. You just have to stop closing him off and admit it not to just him but to yourself."
"Lily it's not that at all!"
"Then what is it?"
"I don't know if I even love him and if I did I wouldn't be able to say it." She pauses.
"Well then he at least deserves to know that."
"He does. But he's not going to be here anyways. He told me he was going to go to a family reunion so he's going to be gone a couple of days and I'm not about to tell him that over the phone."
"And he was just going to leave you?" She furrows her brows.
"I know that's what I thought but apparently he wanted to take me with him." I sigh. "I royally messed up didn't I?"
"Don't you always?" I laugh, nodding my head.
"You got that right." I sigh. "Can we please go to sleep now?" She nods her head and climbs into bed with me. Before I know it I was fast asleep, in a hurry to leave behind reality... even if it was just for a few hours.
________________________________End of Chapter Twenty-One
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