Michael, if you're still reading this stupid thing I'm writing, just skip this chapter. Please. 

So today I just woke up, did some chores, and then binge watched Glee. Super depressing btw. This show just kills me. 

Anyway, I literally just showered a few minutes ago and I had this inner vent that just occurred in my brain for no reason. Like honestly, I don't even remember how my brain started getting mad at life but it did. 

So I started thinking about jealousy and society and standards and shit. I think it started when I remembered Michael saying that some of his friends were roasting on me and I was like okay I don't really give a fuck. If they wanna roast me when they don't even know me, that just shows what kinda people they are. So then I started thinking like wow society's a real bitch. I don't fit your idea of a stereotypical pretty girl and I'm constantly judged for it. Society has so many standards that are just super stupid. So society thinks a pretty girl dresses in nice female clothing and many guys find it attractive when girls wear less rather than more. Guys are shallow. And they expect girls to look like supermodels. But bitches, I ain't no supermodel and I don't ever plan to be. I don't dress in ways you like, I don't wear makeup, I'm just not your ideal girl and fuck it bro, who cares? Guys do obviously but fuck em. 

So then I started thinking about how basically all guys are shallow. I don't wanna say names or anything, but a friend of mine is ALWAYS talking about girls' asses and boobs and shit even though he's in a relationship (they've been together for like 19 months or something like that) and I'm like wow, that's just, wow. He's even saying that he'd fuck with those girls and I'm like, that's such poor commitment shallow motherfucker. And then another guy who's my friend on the tennis team is a quality guy who likes girls for personality but also judges them based on appearance. This guy is an idiot and calls women the "evil of the world" so um, let's just not get into his views on women. Cause they're stupid, aggravating, and just plain out rude. So then let's move onto this other guy. This guy was tryna hit this girl up but he was talking about his exes and his former lovers with such a passion, talking about their butts and boobs and how great the sex was. BOY, first off, if you're tryna hit a girl up, don't say any of that. Second, really dude? Shallow much? He literally dated all those girls just because he thought they were hot and that's just....ugh, motherfucker. Okay, I've already given enough examples of this, but ya know, there's still guys out there who aren't shallow right? Yeah, personally I don't think so, but ig there has to be a few good quality guys out there who are genuine and don't judge females based on their appearance. 

So I see what guys expect from us girls. They want us to be hot, have nice bodies, and just look fucking perfect. Well okay, great for them. Let them be shallow hoes cause they're never gonna change. But what about us girls who don't give a fuck about that bullshit and who don't look like your stereotypical pretty girl? How do you think we feel when you say all this shit? 

Tbh I used to care a lot about what people think of me. I still do, but I've reached a point where I'm like fuck them. But at the same time, sometimes even I wish I could fit their standards. I wish I could look like those other girls do and be someone who everybody would never judge. 

So that thought of me wanting to look better got me onto the topic of jealousy. I'm a super jealous person. Why? Well, here are some reasons:

1. Like I just stated, guys are shallow and they want attractive girlfriends. So how am I not going to be jealous of those girls who are way prettier than me and look the part? I mean, guys set all these standards for women, and I don't fit those standards, so of course I'm gonna be jealous of the girls that do fit those standards. 

2. Insecurity due to these dumbass standards. I don't feel confident in the way I look due to the standards so imma think that you're gonna leave me to go find someone who does fit those standards. And when you're talking to someone who meets the standards, even as a friend, imma still be jealous because you could just be a shallow hoe and leave me any second for those other pretty girls. 

I'm not even gonna continue with the reasoning because the next reason I was gonna put was just about to be super petty and I'm trying to not be a petty person (as much) anymore. 

But bro, I started thinking of an example of my jealousy. The one example that still fucking stands true to this day. Of course, Samantha. So I haven't really stated who Samantha is. She's Michael's really really really really really really close friend. She plays guitar. She's super pretty. She's popular. She's basically what every girl wishes they could be. 

So lemme explain a little bit of my jealousy of her. So back when me and Michael were still together, he started talking to her. Did I know who she was? Of course not, how would I know? So I got jealous one day when Michael decided to be petty and tease me. He pointed to a random girl and joked like "ohh she's hot" and then he was like "oh wait, I know that girl, it's Samantha." And I was like who tf is she? And he just said they were in guitar together so I was like um okay cool ig, she is pretty hot. So then, by some miracle, they became super close friends and they would text and be together all the damn time. I told Michael about my jealousy but you know any guy with half a brain is gonna say "you have nothing to worry about, she's just a friend" and I'm like okay fine whatever bro. And it reached a point where he would get mad at me for being jealous and I'm like bitch tf you mad at me for? Maybe if you weren't so damn close to this "pretty hot" guitar playing supermodel stranger I wouldn't be jealous. 

Anyway, I decided to be the bigger person and text this chick and settle things. Things got fucking settled with her bro. I was finally not jealous at all. And then you know what happened the next day? Michael took the break with me. Yup, so I was the bigger person and me making amends with her was literally all for nothing. So throughout the break, Michael didn't talk to me, he didn't want to talk to me, and he wanted nothing to do with me. But you know who he did hang out with all the time? Samantha. I saw them together all the time. My friends would tell me that he was with her for lunch. Bryan told me he even saw them hugging. I even witnessed them hug one time and it was the most depressing thing ever. Me and Michael were both in the cafeteria with Carlos and Dahleigh and then Michael left and walked to B building. On the way, he ran into Samantha, smiled at her, hugged her, and then they walked together to the guitar portable. I left the cafeteria and my friends were concerned but they knew I wanted to be alone, and I just walked around the school. Even now when I think of it, it hurts. The smile on his face, the way he hugged her, I'll never forget it. This whole time I'm longing for him and all he's doing is going with her. I was jealous. That smile that she made him smile just pushed me over the edge. That day I started writing suicide notes. I just couldn't take any more of that. Seeing him with her every day, I didn't wanna see it anymore. But my friends talked me outta it so that's good. 

So that happened and they're still super close. He would hang out with her until 2 in the morning. He would show up at her house drunk or high. He would spend all this time with her. He still does. He was even talking to me about how she's gonna come over and hang with his squad, get fucked up, and then spend the night with him. At this point, I'm not even surprised. It's like she's his #1 and it makes me super salty. More sad than salty tbh, but I'm not going to be sad over him and his bitch sooo imma just act petty and angry. 

You know it just sucks. I can't compare with her. I wear comic t-shirts, basketball shorts, and converse. I keep my hair in a simple, lame ponytail and I don't wear makeup. I don't have a nice body and I'm super skinny. 

She, she wears pretty clothes (nice shirts and short shorts that complement her body very well), has fabulous red hair, wears makeup, has a nice body, and is also a good person. How could I ever compare with that? And her eyes. Her fucking eyes get to me. Because one thing I knew Michael loved about me was my eyes (mine are colored), but hers are even more beautiful (also colored but better). I see her eyes, and I just think of him looking into her eyes like he once looked into mine. 

I just don't even wanna write anymore because now I'm super depressed, yay. It's just, I can't be her. She's super pretty. She's super cool. She's super talented. And she spends so much time with Michael. They're so close, and we aren't and I'm jealous. Of their friendship. Of the way that she can make him smile. Of the way they can relate in ways that we can't. I hate her because I wish I was her. 

Fuck this tho man, I'm me. I'll never be as good as her and if I come out like a bitch for being jealous and avoiding showing my insecurities then so be it. Truth is, I just hate myself so much that I act like a bitch when I'm jealous so people don't know how insecure I really am. So when you get mad at me for being jealous, it just makes me feel so much worse. 

But yeah, sorry for all the hateful stuff I say when I'm mad and jealous. I don't mean it, it's just a cover-up for my real emotions.