I'm not drinking tonight because I have practice tomorrow and kinda don't wanna be hungover for that since I haven't practiced in a week.

But now that I'm not drinking, I catch myself thinking of you (I say you referring to Michael btw because idk, I guess I'm just used to writing to him). It's hard being sober and thinking of you because I'm gonna remember this. These tears. These feelings. I'm not drinking them away for once.

It's just, I love you. I hate saying those words nowadays because no matter how many times I say it, it doesn't change anything. You're not mine. And I miss you. But I'm trying my best to let you go. Not even for me tbh, but for you. I know that I'm not doing a very good job at that considering I've drunk texted you more times than I'd like to admit, and I sober texted you after. And I'm sorry about that. It's just that you're the only thing on my mind when I'm drunk, and even when I'm sober. So drunk me doesn't know how to refrain from texting you and yeah, you know how that goes. And even sober me has trouble refraining from texting you. Right now I want to text you. I want to call you. I want to hear your voice. But I know I shouldn't. You need to move on, I know that, but I just haven't quite accepted it yet.

Tbh I want you to move on. I want you to be happy. I want you to find someone who can fill my place and give you what I couldn't. But...at the same time I don't want that. It's selfish really, but I don't want you to move on. I do want you to be happy, but not with someone else. I can't imagine seeing you with another girl, telling her you love her as you hold her in your arms. I think about that and it makes me hate everything even more. Because I know it'll happen someday. I know someday I'm gonna have to face the fact that you've moved on and you've found someone better. But right now, I don't even wanna imagine it. All those times you said i was the only one, i know you meant it. But someday you'll say that to another girl. I want that for you, I do. I want you to find your happiness. I want you to meet someone who can give you happiness. But still, I wish it was me. Sad really because it could've been. But I fucked up so bad. And I'm sorry. Really I am. Letting you go is the one thing in my life that I regret. But I can't change that now.

You know what's dumb though? A part of me still believes we could be together. I hate that part of me. The hopeful part. The optimistic part. Because I'm smart enough to know that you'll never want me back after what I did. But I'm stupid enough to have hope that love conquers all. When I think about it now, love is just one big mess. But it's the happiest mess I've ever experienced.

And I wish you knew how much I love you. Only you. I know what I did with Rudy. I know that I told him I loved him. I know that it seems like I played you. I know that it seems that I moved on and replaced you. But he's just another guy to me. I never loved him. I don't even talk to him anymore besides a Snapchat streak where all we say is good morning and goodnight. I was stupid with him. I fucked us up for him because everyone told me to. I shouldn't have listened. I should've listened to myself and just waited for you, but I didn't. And it's the worst mistake I've ever made. Because I lost you because of it. I lost you because of a guy that I honestly don't give a fuck about. And it sucks. Because I honestly only love you. But now we don't even talk anymore.

We went from the perfect couple to strangers so quickly and I wish it didn't happen. Because I miss you. More than anything. If I could have one thing, I want you.

I've already wasted like a million tissues just writing this so I'm gonna stop. This is why I hate being sober nowadays, 'cause I end up like this all the damn time. But at the same time I know I needa quit alcohol. It's not good and it's not who I am nor want to be. I just don't know anymore.

I'm sorry for everything. I really do love you.