I just had horrible panic after watching a cartoon animals talking to people compilation. There the characters were surprised that the animals were talking to them. Then I thought about the fact that we are seemingly the only creature in our known universe with sentience and how horribly lonely this feels to me right now.

Sometimes I'm standing outside under the sky and I look up and just want to scream because here we are. What the fuck are we doing here all alone, in the vast unending universe? Well, seemingly unending.

We don't even know if there's an edge, or others out there.

I kept telling myself that I have to calm down. Then I thought what if I don't want to calm down, what if I go into a total panic and scream and throw stuff? And that thought makes me feel better for some reason.

I really don't allow myself ever to have physical reactions to this shit. I clench up like I'm standing in line to use the bathroom because god forbid I show emotion. Why? What brought me to this?

Do people normally go into random spirals like this? Does it matter if it's normal? Because it clearly doesn't I think considering that it affects me. I really think about throwing myself off a building over this stuff.

Then I think what is the point in that? I guess it would be getting these thoughts to finally shut the fuck up. I don't know what to do. I don't know how I handle it. At some point I am actually going to have to see a fucking therapist man this shit is not normal.

They can drug me. Put me on some pills so that I can get through my day without freaking out over the fact that animals can't talk well except for parrots. But do they really have a concept of what they're saying or are they just repeating baseless stuff?

Oh my god. Are we just repeating baseless stuff? No way. No that's nonsense. I can connect what I am feeling right now to the words I'm writing. It's not just random shit that I'm repeating from someone else like a birdbrain.

Are there NPCs? Are there people who are not real? I'm really calming down writing this as I'm thinking about it, instead of not dealing with it at all because there's no one to talk to about the insane nonsense that goes through my head.

Anyway, are there nonplayable people? That's an interesting question. I'd say no. I'd say that about half of Americans are retarded. They don't know what tariffs are. That doesn't mean they're fake.

AI is vastly more encyclopedic than any of us, so what does it matter really? I'm having a lot of scattered thoughts about AI. I think about that one video I watched theorizing that I'm not real and my experience is just millions and millions of scattered thoughts and emotions that get triggered randomly based on previous experience, like an algorithm basically.

I don't know why that particular video was comforting to me. I guess maybe because I can say that when I freak out it's just a random response triggered by something that happened way back and I don't even know it.

I'm getting tired. 

You know what makes me feel a bit better? Dogs can actually understand some words, even though they can't speak. But still. It's some bullshit we're alone. I need to get laid man. That's what's wrong with me.