I've been thinking about things that people say are social constructs, which if you think about it, are a lot of things. Wow what an insightful start to this post, great hook, great prose. My brain totally hasn't turned to gum.

Virginity according to some people is a made up construct used to control people. Since I was touched inappropriately at four years old, does that mean I lost it then or am I still a thirty year old virgin?

I mean the first scenario has probably made me a mentally fucked person, the second situation I'm in now, still a virgin at this age, makes me a loser. Where am I going with this? Oh right, I can only be one or the other, right?

If someone goes down on you is that sex?

If someone gives you a handjob is that sex?

If someone is controlling a toy you have in your pants remotely a thousand miles away from you is that sex?

If you don't even come is that sex? 

I'm typing this and I don't seem to really have a point. It all seems so meaningless anyway. The more I think about it it's a bunch of made up bullshit. Then again a lot of concepts that we use to understand humanity are not perfectly defined because it's used as a general guide to tell apart what type of person you are and how far up or down the pecking order you are.

Employment is a social construct. This has never been more true in my opinion. That's why if I get successful on YouTube, I will consider myself no longer a NEET. Some people would not consider YouTube a job despite that people are getting paid to put out content.

Throughout my neetdom I often wonder what constitutes as truly contributing to society. Money always seemed completely fake to me. Yet we need it to survive. Somehow. We need digital markers on a screen to keep a shelter over our heads.

What is this world? It's so strange and clownish when you really meditate on that.

Gender is a social construct. I often feel like a man existing in a woman's frame but it doesn't really bother me. Like those parts don't really conflict. I feel balanced out this way. I want to be perceived as a guy, but not like a traditional masculine man, ideally sort of androgynous/masc.

I don't know why. It's like answering why my favorite color is green. I don't know. It just is. Or maybe there's a reason I'll never realize. I wonder what makes people the way they are. It's a fascinating topic. 

The perception of being born wrong and wishing things were different is dumb. At that point, you're just living a life that will never really be the one that you wanted. You can construct a facsimile of it knowing that you'll never measure up, and with this frame of thinking you'll always see yourself as the subpar version of what you wanted to be.

That sort of thinking is pure ropefuel. That's why wishing for things that could realistically probably never happen is a waste of time. You're not making peace with reality at that point. You only end up burning yourself.

This is about to escalate to something extremely graphic. So, my boyfriend likes to call my cunt a cock. It was quite jarring to me at first. Something he said struck me when we first met. He said that since I'm a man I have a cock. 

There's just no way to allude to this situation and why I thought it was strange and different. I guess when you think about it the clitoris is like a tiny dick? I don't know how I feel about the way that he thinks.

I don't even know what I'm saying.

He also calls me a faggot. I'm not gay. I'm not a fag.

I'm starting to get used to it though.

Is anyone anything without the context of others? 

Not many people think the way he does. I respect it but it was very different from how I thought of myself, and maybe still think of my body, so it's slightly awkward when we're playing and sending pics and I call what I can clearly see on the camera a cock.

A part of me was very appreciative after the surprise faded a bit. I could get used to it, yeah. He treats me so nice. 

I forgot what I was just going to say.

Oh yeah, sex is a construct. Sex operates within a bimodal distribution, it is not a binary, therefore we are not a bunch of ones and zeros as some would like to believe for whatever reason.

In any case, underneath all this weird social stuff, I just want to exist as a person. Whenever I think about myself just being a person who happens to be configured the way that I am, with the life that I have, like I come first and all these concepts that humanity tries to construct into hard molds come second, I'm a living person rather than a concept of a person detached from life.

All these things in life that mark your status and success are just real to people who believe they're real.

I can't stop thinking about how I'm warming up to calling it a cock. It's hot. I floated the idea to him once of getting a strap off of baddragon.com but I think he wants to be the pitcher exclusively. Not sure about that one.

But fuck that would be hot and I would bust a big fat fucking nut. Hmm. 

You know what would be really ingenious? I'm not on T, will probably not have access to T for a very long time if I ever wanted it. That's okay, but one little thing that I'd like to try is one of those strokers.

It's a toy I feel I'm missing out on, but I had an idea today that may help my predicament just a little bit. I could get a pump for enlargement. They make them for everyone. It's a cylinder that you put over your clit, and it, albeit temporarily, makes it a bit bigger.

Then, I can maybe try a stroker. I asked around if anyone in my situation, not on T, if they thought of the same thing and if it worked. If this is an original thought I'm a genius. Actually no now that I remember it I read this exact scenario in an erotic story once.

Darn, well at least I know it worked for someone. Time to experiment further.