I need him to fuck my brains out viscerally deep down in my soul. I need to feel his thick cock inside my cunt and for him to rail me until I'm wrapped around his shoulders and legs and I'm screaming for him not to stop.

This is all I can think about. I'm losing my sanity. Toys are not enough. It's not that I need to get laid, although when I imagine fooling around it sounds kind of fun, at least in fantasy.

I'd probably lose my boner pretty quick for some random stranger in reality.

I need him specifically.

I need to feel his skin. I need to smell him. I need to go to sleep and wake up next to him.

No other will do. Like that one song I don't want to set the world on fire but much more vulgar, basically what that song actually meant to convey.

Nothing helps. I feel like I'm missing half of me.

He keeps messaging me about how he wishes I were there. We need, as scary as this fucking is for me, to have a talk about how exactly.

I don't even know how to open that conversation. We keep, well mostly him, I'm too terrified, edging around this talk.

Like I'm pretty sure he thinks I have an actual life. If he knew the truth, that I'm a loser, he would maybe dump me for someone he deserves.

Man that would be really brutal. Am I being selfish? I think so. I don't want to think about this anymore.

I've been on fire with content creation. Does it even matter? I feel like such a downer right now I don't like it.

I voiced a script about an autistic microbiologist who accidentally pissed their partner off naming a virus after them and the ending is that they make up but they're both fucked anyway because zombies.

I'm not even remotely like Eugene. I might as well be literally Daryl from The Walking Dead because he was a total loser before the outbreak neeting with his bro, fucked in the head shit.

Relatable sadly. I'd rather be one of those actually smart autists who may not fit in socially but can monetarily benefit off of their hyperfixation.

I'm the type of mentally disordered where I'm basically worthless. Well except for my acting talent, but, no guarantee that'll get me anywhere.

I have such inconvenient obsessions. I read that the PDA autism profile gives you an obsession with another person rather than a topic.

I definitely have a favorite person. You don't have to be in love with them but it is sometimes the case.

I am agonizing.