Someone said they blacked out from the blood rushing to their dick reading my stuff. Months later after writing a few hot things, these little stories still get attention. People reblogging and saying stuff like that is always such a pleasure.

I wish I had the brains to write anything else. Or maybe I'm using that as an excuse to be lazy. I don't know. I'm starting to think that. I wrote that stuff out of pure horniness so my brain was pretty switched off and the words were flowing.

Is it the same for other genres? I'm so confused. I can't focus on much else unless it's about getting off and then I'm all over it apparently. I want to write serious stuff. Maybe I really need to get laid and then I can think about literally anything else.

Unironically it might help.

Again, I don't know. Maybe I should just try another form of creativity. Like drawing or something. I have in the past. Got better at it. Then I stopped. What is wrong with me? Why do I not like to do things I theoretically like doing?

You know what I think it is? I take myself so seriously. I haven't written anything out of passion since I wrote that fetish erotica. Because I wasn't trying to impress anyone. I literally didn't give a shit about getting anything like monetary gain or approval from others.

Even though getting comments here and there is kind of fun it isn't stroking my ego like how I used to think I needed for whatever fucked up reason. Just fulfilling fantasies. It was the best I ever felt.

Validation searching has ruined everything I love. I'm afraid to pick up something new that I might like because eventually, it'll become about impressing others. I hate it so fucking much about myself.

Am I a narcissist?

After all why is it that other people can just be normal about this stuff and I'm stuck with these thoughts? That's a question I ask myself a lot. I feel like I actually can't control myself and that it's just an inevitability that'll suck the fun out of anything that I like.

There's the big elephant in the room that all humans search for validation from others, maybe not to the extent that I have but we all do. You could blame social media, but we've always been like this and it's taken many forms.

We depend on others' approval for our survival in some form or another. It's in our bones. We literally need each other, whether you're a loser NEET or you're successful. So how do I fight this urge to please people when it's literally in my DNA to do so?

Not that I'm particularly good at it. I do nothing that can't be done by a machine. Well except to cook delicious food, but I'm not trying to start a cooking channel. Maybe if I can accept that no one needs me for anything they can just get from someone else, I can absolve myself of any responsibility and have fun with life again.

Yeah, that's a good outlook.