I just managed to stave off what could have been really bad anxiety over thinking about the seeming futility of existence, from my very limited perspective, to shifting my thoughts toward the possibility that there is someone in this world who knows what is going on and why any of us are here.

The thought kept intruding all day creeping in slowly like it does until I get a second at night in quiet and then bam, oh my god, nothing matters, I could die and it wouldn't count for anything, no one has ever mattered or ever will the same old song and dance. It's just the same old shit that plays in my head.

I have to believe that there is someone or something out there with a higher order thought and the reason I keep freaking out over this shit while most people are going through their lives normally is because my brain is wrong.

We can't have all been born just to suffer this much. That would be just mean. And I'll say another thing, I have a higher order of thought probably than any influencer right now who makes bank off of running their mouths about God. They mock people for finding their truth and they hate them because they themselves claim to know the truth.

And what is the truth? None of these idiots know it or I wouldn't be lying here wishing that I had the answer. The people who have been put up on pedestals in our culture are trash spewing from the pulpit.

Recently I ran into this idea that none of us have a core self and we're all millions of individual thoughts, feelings and experiences like how we're made up of millions of cells. That thought was a strange comfort to me. I wish I could throw away all of the parts that are bad.