Waiting to get a new mic. Haven't been able to get one yet because I don't have the money right now. Waiting for other stuff to come. That's what I feel that a lot of my life has become, waiting for consumerist goods.

I actually got a caffeine high for the first time since brewing coffee with our new maker. I think it's the cone shape of the filter. I read that it allows for more oils to pass through. My brother also told me that the old one was an absolute piece of shit.

Well, he put it like this actually, the carafe we dug out to replace the old one did not actually fit the machine, so we had to wedge a nail under the spout so that the liquid would pour out and it wasn't properly brewing, it was just pouring water over grounds.

I thought that's what making coffee is. Pouring water over grounds. But I think I get the idea, it's got to percolate for a bit. In any case, I didn't feel that the nail was very sanitary because of the concern of eventual rust.

Our old coffee maker was essentially a Frankenstein of mix-matched parts to form a dysfunctional whole.

Absolutely disgusting.

Some of the time I use my French press. I like that little thing. I have an old stovetop kettle that I usually use to heat up the water.

So I got a little high that I have not gotten from coffee in a while from a proper brew. My boyfriend told me that if I start seeing sounds to let him know.

I should paint that birdhouse my niece got me for Christmas. It's a cute gift. My dad happened to make a birdhouse in the garage a few days ago. I told him that I'd let him have the leftover paint that came with the kit if he wanted it.

I wonder what kind of paint it is. I need to get some paint for canvasses. I'm debating whether I should go with oil or acrylic. There are pros and cons to both. The only paint I have experience with is watercolors, but I've watched many painting tutorials with a variety of paint.

Oil takes longer to dry, no big deal to me. I can stick the finished product in the sewing room. I'm not expecting overnight sales. Acrylic doesn't allow as much time to blend. Oil paint is a bit more forgiving for that.

I think oil.

It's always been my dream to paint on canvas since I was a child. I'd paint as a kid and it would really suck. Of course when you're a kid, generally you're going to be really bad at things and then learn ideally.

I never really learned to paint until I picked it back up a few years ago, well into adulthood. Don't let anyone tell you that it's too late to learn just because you're an adult. You do not have to be a child to still learn things.

It is true that as we age, especially after the point of your mid-twenties, you are less primed to learn new things. But I feel like a lot of people tend to overexaggerate how much people are affected by these changes and pigeonhole themselves.

Around the age of twenty-seven, I went from drawing like a literal five-year-old to drawing pretty good proportioned human forms just by learning from a couple of tutorials. Some things are actually a lot easier than one could build it up to be.

They're just shapes put together.

Part of me wonders how much limitation I've talked myself into having and how much of my limitations are legitimate and in reality I just use it as an excuse to not do things that make me uncomfortable.

I wonder how many of my can'ts are really I don't want tos.

Is it okay to not want to be social? Do I really not want to be social or have circumstances just led me to be this way? Would I want to go out to a bar if I could drive? Would I want to go to an art fair if I could drive?

Like I wonder how much I've built up getting a license in my head as this hard scary thing. I always think about what could go wrong, like being judged for being thirty and just now getting a license from the instructor.

Do they even know your age though? I look pretty young for my age. I look pretty weird actually. I think I'm attractive and strange-looking at the same time. Why did I get on this topic? I think my looks might partially inform my social anxiety.

Like what people think when they see me. I have no clue.

Anyway, my other fear is crashing and killing us both. Or the instructor getting pissed and yelling at me. Then crashing and killing us both. Or maybe I'm being completely ridiculous and everything will go smoothly and I'll regret putting it off for so long from this deep fear of fucking up or being judged.

Man most people fucking hate their lives. Why do I even care what they'll think of me? I guess dying is still a little bit scary, but that alone isn't really enough to hold me back. I'm getting better at hyping myself up to do new things.

So many things I am locked out of because I won't do this one thing. I wonder how often I would actually want to go out and meet people if I would just do this one thing and get a license. I feel like I've pruned that social need mostly out of myself at the expense of going numb.

What have I gained in the past from being social? Well, not much. I've gained much more from online interactions than I ever did from meeting people in real life. It would still be cool to do things with people though I think.

I can't really imagine what that's like. I mean aside from sitting around with other people getting high. That's the extent of my social interaction in adulthood, and that was all years ago. What do people do?

I guess it would be cool to go to an art museum with someone. I've always wanted to visit The Art Institute of Chicago, my favorite painting, Nighthawks, being there. Edward Hopper's paintings are about isolation, doing things in the same room but not really doing things together.

That's what I would point out to anyone who happened to come with me.

I'm having neurotic fears about filing taxes. You'd really think that this fundamental extremely important thing would be taught in schools. Anyway, I've never filed taxes in my entire life. Being a NEET, I've never had a reason to up until possibly this year because I've been selling things on eBay and my pop-up print-on-demand store.

I picture myself filing one little thing wrong because I'm looking at it and I don't understand what any of it means even though it's explained in very plain detail. I'm afraid that if I screw up, the government will come for me and put me in prison.

Or I'll be billed one day for a thousand dollars. Wow I'm actually retarded. No one has ever explained to me how taxes work. So I'm just cooking up the worst possible scenarios that will probably never happen.

But what if it does? This is something else I need to overcome. Time to ask my tried and true sacred oracle what to do, YouTube.

I learned how to tie my shoes, ride a bike, tie a tie, and drive a car, before I wrecked it, on my own.

I can learn this too.

I know from the bill I got when I was twenty and promptly threw in the trash from that wreck, that there is no such thing as debtors' prison in America, except court debt.

Basically they throw poor people in jail for being unable to afford legal fees.

I know that when someone says they better file their taxes right or they'll go away in handcuffs, it's all a joke.

Still it's scary to me, this ambiguous consequence of doing something wrong because I'm an idiot and a screwup.

See, this is why I need my YouTube career to take off. Then I won't feel like I'm constantly in a precarious situation and one mistake away from horrible consequences.

I feel like it's not really a big ask. It's not like I expect to make a billion dollars. I just want to finally be a normal, semi normal, guy with a life.

Money really is everything. It's security, it's confidence, it's your self esteem, it's food and shelter and therapy.

It makes the world go round. Once I have it, man all my issues will fade away and I'll finally get to be a full human being who is capable of doing things and being independent.

You know what makes someone sound like an actual clown? When someone says that money doesn't matter.

We've literally made money a life or death necessity how does it not matter?

Those type of people are so obnoxious, especially when they're rich.

If they lost everything and they had to go a day in a homeless person's shoes they would fucking rope guaranteed.

They sound so callous and detached from reality. Like I get the intent isn't so literal, but we've chosen unanimously to make it everything, so there's no other interpretation I take seriously from it.

They wouldn't last a week if they lost everything and were treated like literal garbage for being poor because money is status and power aside from being, I don't know, the thing that keeps you from starving or freezing to death under an overpass.

My new mic really can't come fast enough.

I wish so much that I could become successful enough to do something good for people who don't have a pot to piss in.

Maybe make someone's life just a little bit less shitty. I know it'd be a band-aid on a gaping wound but well, I actually have nothing to qualify that statement.

I'm gonna go now.