Nothing too bad. But I'm waiting for things to happen. These days where it feels that I can't create anything, watching YouTube videos mindlessly, thinking about a past that I can't get back, it just makes me feel like I'm being dragged back.

I'm thinking really unpleasant things. Like, what would my life have been if I'd taken action earlier? Of course, I can never get that time back. Of being a teenager and getting my license at sixteen, instead of sitting in my room waiting for life to miraculously change.

I'm thirty now and I still can't drive. Well, I can drive, just not without getting arrested. I'm shocked that cop didn't rat me out when I crashed that last car. I'm very lucky that I didn't go to jail for driving without a license.

It happened when I got pissed when my brother blamed me for screwing up dinner one day when in reality it was entirely his fault for sucking at making burgers. They turned out to be these tiny little patties that he made, which in retrospect would have been great sliders but anyway.

I got pissed. I got in my car because I couldn't stand my family so I was driving a bit erratically and needless to say turned a corner where it says yield just a little too fast. Jesus take the wheel for my eyes have forsaken me.

So anyway yeah I got t-boned and smashed into a truck. I came out of it with not a scratch on me and no criminal record. Lucky me! But still, it doesn't change that I have to get a license at some point in our car-dependent nation of Murica.

I really wish it wasn't the case. I thought at one point that I could perhaps Uber everywhere, but I feel that this may get expensive, more so than maintenance on a car. The only problem is actually accruing enough funds to buy a car.

I don't want a shitty used one either that's going to break down, or I'll just kill myself and others faster. The last and only car I had was a shitty 1994 Honda with the breaks not entirely working how they should.

Safe, right? Totally great to give to your idiot kid who can't drive.

I remember smoking a spliff in that car. That's a good memory. Typical thing for a nineteen-year-old. I guess I have some of the typical teen memories that normal people have.

I need to get a license. It needs to happen this year. I will badger the fuck out of my parents, which is really sad that I have to do at fucking thirty years old, but this is my life. I will walk to the DMV if I have to.

I'm getting that damn license. My brother got his last year, he was thirty-one. I don't know what it is about our family's genetics creating extremely degenerate and subpar people. I think I shouldn't have kids after all because they'll just end up trapped and miserable like I am.

I guess I should be proud that it takes a lot to overcome my inferior genetics to be a productive person and to try and be a normal, independent human being. It took long as fuck to get here but again I'm sort of mentally handicapped, so.

I wish I had whatever is already inside of most people to move forward in their lives. I wish I didn't have to scrape and claw for what little of that is inside of me that seems so readily gifted to everyone else as a birthright.

I feel like my life is like Fallout, and I got a zero in basically everything ie intelligence, strength, speed, etc but I happened to max out in luck. Like I'm lucky that despite all of my failings I still get to sit back and live in relative comfort.

Is that really a good thing? I'm starting to think I would have benefitted from a firm hand. I didn't really have a dad growing up. Now I know that sounds a bit sexist, but generally speaking, the father is supposed to instill a tough mindset in their kids.

My dad would just give up and start screaming when he had to deal with us for longer than ten minutes. I have a feeling that he never really wanted to be a dad, but he did it because it was the expected thing to do.

Maybe I'm just talking out of my ass and nothing could have fixed me. I don't know. We largely ignore each other now, which I guess is better than being treated like a nuisance.

He didn't like me much. I never felt that he loved me, anyway. He would just get really impatient. Whenever I couldn't do something he'd just call me retarded and stuff like that. Hated driving me anywhere.

My brother was much the same and often threatened me.

Maybe that's why I'm intimidated by men. Other than the fact that all of my bullies were male.

My mom has always been really super anxious about letting me do anything for myself.

I can't really blame her for that, while I get the sense that she doesn't want me to ever leave.

She used to talk about getting help for me, like an assessment for autism, problem being it was a couple of decades too late despite the evidence being obvious since I was literally a baby.

I realize that no neurotypical person would write an over eighty page long journal sharing existential, depressing, and very horny thoughts to the world.

I would spin around for hours at a time. I would quote random stuff from characters.

Looking people in the eyes literally fucking felt like they were looking right into the depths of my soul.

So many obvious signs. She'd talk about getting me help but nothing would actually happen.

Well someone did test me because the teachers showed concern that I was retarded, my mother's words and probably theirs, reason being that I never talked unless spoken to.

So they put me and my mother in a room together and someone watched through a reciprocal mirror where they could see us but we couldn't see them.

And the lady assessing me said that my vocabulary was better at six years old than most adults that she tested.

So that was probably why I never got help. I guess then it was wrong to say that no one ever tried.

I just wasn't what people thought at the time that autism looked like. The only reason I didn't talk is because I never had anything to say.

My dad didn't acknowledge that I was different. I know, he called me retarded, but that's not a literal acknowledgement he was just insulting me.

Do you know how difficult it is to get neetbux from a diagnosis as an adult? It's fucking impossible.

But yeah now it seems that she just doesn't want me to leave. She typically only has me for company, and other than that she's a very alone person.

I'm basically like a pet.

So since it's more than likely too late for me to get help, my only option now is to grow a pair and learn to become independent.

Pull some gumption out of my ass and fucking do something with my life. Honestly I'd take more pride out of doing that even at my age anyway than sucking off the teet of the gubmint forever.

That's how I was raised, to think lowly of the plebian welfare scum. Funny enough my mom had no problem with me getting help if things had gone differently and I'd gotten help, but fuck everyone else if they benefit, they're just lazy, etc.

I mean there is pride to be taken from doing things for yourself in any case. I don't look down on you if you get those neetbux.

I actually think that we should skip the neetbux and give everyone the basic amenities of life, a small stipend every month to get by.

That way there's no shame. Everyone just has enough to survive, and most of the time they'd be willing to work for cool stuff.

In my opinion, there is no telling if this will ever happen in my lifetime. I feel that we might have a chance of achieving this at some point, but I don't really know.

America has been sent straight to populist hell. Sorry to say I don't think this vision of class consciousness will come to fruition any time soon.

Why didn't I fight to get help? Because I thought I was going to be a forever alone NEET and then rope eventually.

Also like I said, there's the shame of getting help that's almost as bad as the shame of still living with my parents, even worse in a way because I'd have to sit in some office and explain to a well-adjusted adult, a real person who probably has a spouse and makes good money, essentially why I'm useless and lesser than everyone else who can handle the world.

I think I'd probably rather rope.

I'm waiting for a coffee maker to arrive. I know totally different topic, fuck you.

I'm waiting for our new Hamilton Beach 14-cup coffee maker with a built-in backlit fill line for the grounds and a removable water reservoir. All the bells and whistles. I'm tired of our old piece of shit that doesn't have the original caraff with it because I broke it dropping it on the ground because I'm fucking retarded.

Like, hello, it's 2025. I'm done measuring coffee grounds.

I bought it as a surprise gift for my family. Lovely coffee maker, and I got the water filters for it so the coffee won't taste like shit. It gets me flowing just thinking about cutting-edge appliances. The only complaint I might have is that the reservoir is in the back, but this will probably not be much of an issue because our counter space is plentiful and I'm looking at a rolling k-cup drawer that you can put your coffee maker and Keurig on, nice wide one.

I was looking at the K-Duo 2 in 1 with an iced coffee option, but the price is a bit steep and we already have a Keurig. I don't really do iced coffee all that often anyway. I like iced Americanos on occasion but maybe only a couple of times when it's really hot in the summer.

I'm also waiting on a Dirt Devil Scorpion Plus corded hand-held vac for my mom so she can finally stop lugging that bigass vacuum up and down the stairs. I heard her say that this vacuum just gets heavier every year.

You can't beat the suction power of a corded vacuum, sad to say battery operated just doesn't measure up. The cord is nice and long, of course. It has a rotating brush tool specifically for going down the stairs.

God that is so awesome I might use it myself. I have vacuumed the stairs but I really haven't helped probably as much as I should be. But hey this'll make it much easier.

Saturday all of this stuff will be here. I feel less depressed now.

I just had a funny thought that I'd totally be the woman in the relationship. I guess if you're a gay couple, the more masculine one can be that firm hand for kids and the more feminine one can be a soft place, or at least a good cook like I am.

I haven't burned down the house yet. Just kidding. I'm a great cook, actually, if I went back to my settings in Fallout, a lot of those points would go to cooking skills if that were an actual setting in the game.

That loops around back I guess to my original point that I need to get a license so I can see my boyfriend and finally stop being an incel and have a life. I'll get there. If I have to pull teeth I'll get there.

I still think about having a family, illogically. It'll probably never happen. Probably for the best. The kids today will more than likely have to go through absolute hell when they're adults, anyway.

I want to take care of him in a lot of ways. Two people together are a family if they want to be.

Something really fortunate has happened to me. Not only will I be buying a new microphone, but I get another free Amazon trial. I thought I could only get one of those. So I'm saving a few bucks on this microphone and the delivery will be expedited free of charge, meaning I'll have it in just a couple of days.

It's hard for me not to be in a dumpster mood, but this helps me to be kind of happy and hopeful about something. I mean I'm still down about things. I don't even know what in particular. I just feel sad.

But this makes me less sad, I guess. On like a surface level. Good things.

I feel like Gangle with her tragedy mask. That latest episode of TADC is very meaningful to me. I liked it when Gangle bound Jax to a chair. Rule 34 that.