Just now I was thinking about my dead grandma who was a prostitute. I thought that her sexual depravity must have skipped a generation, making my mom a frigid prude and myself a total degen.

Is it up to genetics? Well, maybe. I think that I'll do a little digging and reading into that.

I am more and more curious about what makes people the way they are. Is it predetermined?

I think that surely some of it must be. Anyway, sort of a funny thought.

Being asexual I enjoy kink perhaps more than any other demographic. All aces that I've met are either totally not interested in sex or they are total freaks like me.

It's more conceptually than anything it seems. My fantasies often involve either myself and some formless genderless shape that is basically a vaguely human shaped sex toy, a monster with tentacles, or two or more people that I get to watch from the corner.

Yeah.

I am trying to write this script but I got hit with this feeling that I am really just a lecherous creep, and all of the things I think people like deep down are really fucked up and I'm a terrible person for indulging it and indulging myself in this depravity.

I'm being unironic. I actually feel disgusting. I'm going to write it anyway and people will probably think it's pretty hot. But yeah I just have to shake off this feeling that I'm doing something wrong.

It's just roleplay. I felt like a bad person making an audio roleplay degrading someone. But then I remember people want it in fantasy and it's okay because it is between consenting adults and it's not real.

It's actually pretty common for a Dom to experience, or anyone doing something fucked up in roleplay after to feel like a piece of shit.

All my boyfriend ever wants to do is pound me. It's never the other way around, even when I express my want to peg him.

Which is fine. You know, I love him and I would, I guess, be fine with just being the catcher.

But man the way I can only think about grabbing someone's asscheeks and railing them all day today with no break.

Today I listened to an audio of this woman getting off with her shower head, which I used to do until I got my toys and it kind of feels like a waste of water now but anyway, her moans made me want to grab her sudsy wet cheeks and rail her cunt until she was too sore to stand.

There is something wrong with me.

Actually there is something really wrong no joke, I have a tension headache from the moment I woke up that will not go away after dinner now.

It would worry me if I didn't feel this way from time to time. It might be stress or hormonal I don't know, something like that probably.

Listening to these sound bowls played on YouTube helps. It might be placebo but regardless when it helps it helps.

It's soothing me. It helped me to stay focused while I wrote the first scene of my script as well. I don't feel like a lecherous person now, not unironically, anyway.

I am happy with what I've turned out. Gonna turn in early though and more than likely have one of those two AM wake-up mornings where I'm bursting with creativity.

I obviously have no issues with this as I have no daily scheduled obligations, so I get to just fall asleep at five in the morning and enjoy the fruits of my nightly work.

Man that is so awesome. My life is sweet. I don't have to worry about being inconvenienced by what time my brain is active.

It's definitely not at its peak at the moment because God that dull ache is still left, and any time I move it's like I'm in thick water.

I need to just go to sleep.