It sucks when your family is wholesale disagreeable to you. I keep my mouth shut as I sit there and listen to the stupid things out of their mouths.

It's so annoying to hear them go off and shit-talk people they don't understand at all. Now my brother isn't nearly as bad. My older niece is insane but she isn't a total dumbass. She's pretty progressive I mean.

My grandparents are alright, I'm actually going to be at their house tomorrow morning to weed eat and trim their lawn. They're better than my parents who are wholly obsessed with conservative propaganda. It's like there isn't a single original thought going through their heads, they just mindlessly consume and accept whatever they see on conservative news and podcasts.

It's so sad. I think it's because neither of them have lives or friends. I get it. When I was really sad and angry all the time I went down a few pipelines myself just to have someone to blame for how I felt and my lack of success.

I have changed so much as a person in less than a year. I've had my thoughts turned around when given information in an entertaining format, basically propaganda in the opposite direction.

I've always had my own take on things that I hear though. I have definitely matured what feels like all of a sudden. I don't just blindly believe something because my family heard it and told me now.

I know that people I follow now are human beings too. I mold my values around what I think is right. I'm really starting to feel a lot of things that I hear out of my family running up against that to the point where I need to do something.

I don't feel like I'm smart enough to construct a convincing argument. I wonder if there is any point. I have faith that anyone can change. Well, maybe not everyone but definitely my parents. They're relatively nice people sort of except they have some stupid beliefs.

I just want to be with my boyfriend man. That would be so cool. We'd be together and I wouldn't have to listen to this crap. Like any normal nondegenerate person my age, I would only have to hear it at Christmas time and it'd be from that weird uncle everyone has that nobody likes and not my own fucking parents.

My uncle OD'd on fentanyl for one. My aunt was a bitch to me the last time I saw her. I guess it's because I'm a deadbeat. That and I drank her alcohol. My cousins are both successful. One has a good job. He seems to be doing okay. The other has a good calling helping people around the world and a girlfriend. I am so freaking happy for her.

I keep remembering that I'm not single and realizing how weird it is to not think of myself as single anymore. I'd been single for 30 years. It's such a mindbend for me right now. Anyway, I didn't even speak to them when we all got together a few years ago.

What do you even talk about with a NEET though to be fair. I may as well have not even been there. It's weird to think of myself as a real person, strange as that may be to read. I'm not going to say it's all for a man, but my trying to get my life together has mostly been motivated by him.

It's not self-motivated, sorry to say. Whenever I thought about having an actual life before, I had very vague ideas about what it would be. No idea where I would go or if I'd be okay with coming home to an empty studio apartment for the rest of my life because I didn't think anyone would ever be into me.

I don't know what I was expecting when I set up a dating profile. Maybe that someone would just want to pump and dump so I could lose my virginity. I don't think I would like that at all in hindsight. It would probably feel pointless and I'd go back to being alone.

Being totally alone for the rest of my life sounds kind of bad. Like pointless even if I got some form of validation from success. Being liked genuinely feels a lot better than people doting on you for how philosophical and smart you are. There's a difference that I couldn't feel up until now.