I had a dream about high school. I do sometimes. It was the last place I had any social interaction with people that were my own age, aside from my brother. There was an interesting detail, I had a dream that not only was I a high schooler, I was also narrating on my YouTube channel after school.

It was kind of the most hopeful I've felt in a while. Except when I woke up I was relieved that I didn't have to get up and go to school for months and months. Every day floundering and struggling just to keep my grades above an F.

Autistic people are supposed to be smart. If you don't know it's a spectrum and we aren't all savants and supercomputers. I struggled with most everything. Except for maybe language. Which, whatever talent I had as a kid matches closely to what most adults are capable of doing now with the help of their phone, so whatever made me exceptional is matched.

I didn't like reading as much by the time I was a junior and, well, you get tired of reading what's required after a bit. When it came to my turn to narrate though the class went so quiet you could hear a pin drop.

So I wasn't a total loser in high school. I did have a couple of friends, acquaintances? I never went to their houses or played on their Xbox or any of the things that people typically enjoyed. I would go home, struggle with homework, sleep.

Get up and repeat the day. But other kids would talk to me and were generally cool. Middle school was the hardest. Bullying nonstop day in and day out until I took on a goth phase in eighth grade, then I was left alone.

But I didn't want to socialize either. Only positive about middle school was cross country, but even then I always came in last and some of those parents were straight-up abusive to their kids. I didn't get along in that group either actually scratch that, my dad yelled at me that we were going home if I couldn't run anymore.

Probably embarrassed that I kept coming in among the last. It wasn't the most fun time. I'm still proud that I did it though. I signed up of my own volition. I enjoyed the occasional high that I got from running and it was nice to get outside.

Anyway, the goth phase was a choice. I dyed my hair crayon red for a time, yeah. Wore all black. While I did genuinely enjoy the style somewhat, I did it in part so that I would just be left alone. Never could handle makeup much because even a drop of makeup makes me break out.

I cut my hair super short after that, guyed it up in high school because the proverbial egg had cracked by the end of middle school. I just looked like a dude after that. Well I looked dude-androgynous.

Some kids were confused. I heard in the hall, is that a girl or a boy? But I was left alone. One time some kid thought I was a guy with a big ass. My boyfriend now likes that asset. Sorry that was terrible.

I had a gay best friend who held hands with me and treated me like his boyfriend.

It was nice.

Anyway, could I have done narration in high school? I don't think so. I struggled to barely graduate. I should practice more gratitude for the fact that I have all this free time. I've had all this free time for years, but I didn't know that I wanted to do YouTube until ten years after I graduated.

I don't know why it hadn't occurred to me before. This big idea that I'd be a writer? When I get an idea in my head I tend to chomp down on it and it becomes harder to remove than a crocodile from your leg.

Could be for better or for worse. I feel like it's something I definitely need to work on. In that case, it was entirely for worse, although, I've learned a fuck ton about writing from watching countless hours of seminars.

I'm basically primed but at the same time, I've been so depressed it's like, my thoughts are slowed and it's this big effort. It's probably from trying to shove down gender dysphoria, along with over a decade of isolation, that I can't think clearly.

But yeah with all this free time, and the fact that speaking isn't too much for me to manage, narration and voicing roleplay kink content is definitely a way to go. It's a choice, alright. It's at least me attempting something that is actually viable that I can mentally handle.

I don't think I'm an introvert. I love the attention and praise for posting these audios. I think I'm just extremely needing friends to approach me first in the case of my gay friend who took my hand out of nowhere and didn't hear any complaint about it.

I think about him sometimes still. I hope he has a partner now or is happy.

I don't know how to approach people. I mean there's the fact that I'm trapped in my house. If I could get a car and a license, or just a car, I could maybe meet people? The whole purpose of this goal of getting a car is to see my boyfriend.

Beyond that how does one meet people? Maybe he has friends. I don't know. And where does one meet people? Let's say I go to a cafe. Most people are there to get in and get out and the rest are on their phones.

The park maybe. That's the only place I can think of. But then how do you approach someone without being weird? I don't know how to talk to people anymore beyond hello, thank you, have a good day.

I don't want to burden people with my presence or make them feel like they have to entertain me. I would gladly take it in reverse even if they were a total fucking weirdo just to have some company. 

You know what I wish we had more of here? Aside from the vanishing third place, in general, animal cafes are lit. Like cat cafes, rabbit cafes, you know. It's the best part of a park, animals, with the cozy amenities of being inside.

You could maybe meet people there and talk about the animals. Kind of like a zoo but I feel like that's where people with kids go.

I remember last summer getting excited about a BBQ in our neighborhood only to walk up there and find a bounce house and basically parents with their kids. I just turned around and walked away.

Don't want to look like the weirdo there with no kids.

I'm too old to go drinking with college kids and I never liked the idea of getting blasted in public anyway. Still don't like the thought of that now. At least, not on my own. I've been to a couple of parties which in reality were just people sitting in a circle passing around a bong.

Not really a scene to socialize. We were just getting stoned, although that one guy had a cool place. I barely remember it. It was always me and my brother going to some random house to get high.

I'll probably never be a parent so I can't connect with a lot of people my age in their thirties and forties now with their own families. Those people don't have time to socialize anyway. Too busy wiping up shit and vomit.

Hmm.

Could make friends with other voice actors. That's always an option. It can start online, no reason I can't make friends the same way I met my boyfriend. The same way millions of people meet all the time every day.

Then we can meet for real. Yeah that sounds like a great plan. I could go to a few conventions. But then most people at those conventions are just regular people gushing over voice actors they find hot, or exceptionally talented.

I mean I could do that. I also admire voice actors. But I want to meet a group of people who are actually doing what I do so we can talk about that. I could be surprised at a convention. I mean since a lot of readers are writers, it might follow analogously that a lot of admirers of voice actors in a legitimate industry have smaller channels on YouTube.

Or I could just go to a convention where there are other YouTubers in general. A lot of gamers there but other stuff too I imagine. And I do like to watch some gamers even though I don't play myself.

But there are YouTubers who do what I do that people really want to see. Smaller voice actors and narrators. Dylan Chills type of people. That guy's voice is hilarious. My brother makes fun of it.

Number 15, Bo goes to a haunted warehouse after getting steered off the wrong path to the convention.

Later in the day. My mother demanded to know why I look so pale until I told her that while it is that time of the month, essentially I look really pale. Still won't tell her the whole of what is going on.

She doesn't need to know. Not like she could do anything about it. She handed me iron tablets from the counter. They expired three years ago. Now she's back to treating me like shit. Called the laundry basket that I like to use ugly, said it sticks out and looks like shit.

It's just a normal blue laundry basket and not one of those hampers which look, not bad, but not what I like. I don't know why she is acting like this. I guess she cares if I fall over dead. That would be inconvinient, at first.

Funerals are expensive!

I thought about what my brother said about his friend a few years ago. Said he was, well this is a little weird, but he said he was more of a father to him than our dad ever was. It's a bit strange to say something like that about a guy your age.

Anyway, the reason I thought about this is because a few years ago, his friend sat down at his desk and just died, right there where he was sitting. His mom walked in and found his body. He was only in his thirties.

My mom bawled her eyes out at that.

And now she's sad that I'm so solemn and she's not used to seeing me like this. Now she tells me. What the fuck is her problem? If she really doesn't want her family to feel like shit she should be less annoying. 

I can feel any way that I want. Well, no, I can feel how I feel, yes. I'm not going to put on the happy mask today. I'm too pale for it. It's not like I'm freaking out or crying or anything. It's literally a physical thing that I can't just smile and it goes away.

I told her I would bounce back. I don't know why I said that. A part of me hopes that I stay this way for a bit because honestly it's kind of comfy. Like it's not the best feeling in the world but I kind of want to just cuddle up in bed or stay in my room with low lights.

It's kind of not so bad, kind of nice, actually. Better like it because it's not going away probably. At least, not until I get my new mic and then more than likely this feeling will shake off and I'll be super excited and motivated, but this is good, yeah.

I have a couple of packages to send outbound. One someone ordered today, the other still here from yesterday because sometimes the mailer doesn't do the scheduled pickup how they should.

I think one is a substitute, maybe has a phobia of dogs. Don't know. It's kind of funny.