I just read it said that the opposite of depression is expression. My brain feels very indecisive and sluggish the more time goes by. With writing that is. I don't feel that way right now, just writing this out.

It's like when I try to transport myself into a fictional world, I can't picture myself in a world outside of this. It's so depressing though to think that this is all there is. I feel like my imagination has become corrupted.

I have little to no inner monologue or world. It's like it all dissipated slowly and instead, I can only think about how the fuck I'm going to get out of here. This life with these problems that I've been stuck with for years on a loop like Groundhog Day.

Is that rumination? It's robbed me of my creativity. That and feeling slow and completely shutting down mentally and I don't how how to fix it so I sit there and stare at the page until I give up, until eventually I just gave up and stopped writing.

I feel that I need to get to a better place to be mentally acute. Some people write when they are like this? I can't imagine it. How do you write when you're just shut off? Am I just weak? I don't understand why I'm so floaty and unfocused all the time.

I guess I'm just an idea guy but I can't lock in to make it happen. For whatever reason. I don't want to be this way. I guess the reason that my whole life fell apart is because I am this way? Or maybe I can't think straight because of my circumstances?

I don't know which came first. My terrible life or my inability to think outside of it. Still have a banger of a boyfriend though. Fuck yeah. He is a small sliver of light in my life that I am holding onto.

Maybe I could write romance. Hmm.