I recently found out that a lack of socialization causes mental decline over time, that isolation will basically make you dumb. I cannot write fiction anymore, my mind simply doesn't work. It's gotten so bad over years of isolation since high school that I've achieved full hiki status.

Basically I'm completely retarded.

I remember back in high school I used to fill up whole notebooks of writing. It isn't just that I've aged. I feel like the cheese has slipped off my cracker. From the time I signed up for this platform and realized slowly that I was becoming more unable to even come up with anything coherent.

What else? I find myself completely forgetting things unless it's laid out right in front of me. It's why I can never keep up with even the most simple habits like taking vitamins. I completely forget things actually even if it's right in front of me sometimes.

Being trapped and unable to drive because I still don't have a license at 30 in an extremely car-dependent country, being trapped inside the house all day every day for over a decade, I have this sort of numb buzzing feeling constantly.

Like you know how when you're sitting in a chair for a long time and you start to go numb?

That's me all over all the time. All the while there's this little guy at the back of my brain screaming God get me the fuck out of here. So that's why I don't write fiction anymore if you were wondering, I actually can't function mentally to the point where it's been a struggle not to plan roping myself at some points in the last decade.

This isn't to garner sympathy. It's to get these feelings out. I know I'm not alone in feeling these things, particularly my frustration with our horrible infrastructure that endangers everyone unnecessarily and makes zero sense if you research for two minutes, or you're fortunate to be able to travel outside of the US and you see how much more efficient at transport most every other developed nation is.

Turning back to isolation, the only thing making me feel better is my partner. If I don't get into an accident and kill myself because I'm a retard I'll get a license. Then we can actually see each other.

It's not about the sex. It's been so long since I've even been hugged that my libido has completely plummeted into the toilet. I was asexual before but now I basically feel like a plant. I hope when I'm with my partner physically that will change.

I do have an interest in sex toys, and jerk off when I'm completely bored and have nothing better to do, so maybe saying I'm like a plant is a bit of an exaggeration. Regardless finding him has been like striking gold, so I'm going to do what I have to to get to him, and finally not being a virgin would be nice.

My mother is terrified of me driving, especially when I attempted to get a license when I was around 19 years old. I understand because I was completely inept behind the wheel even back when I had half a brain.

When I was 20 I got into a horrible car accident that got me t-boned hard. That sounds like a euphemism for, well never mind. I can't imagine getting a license now. But I have to even if I endanger others and myself.

When will the US change? I don't know. I just want to move up north where it's clearly superior there. I need to get out of here anyway, boyfriend or not. Tennessee is really boring and ugly and there's nothing to do unless you want to sit here in a McMansion and absolutely get fucked if you don't want to drive to go literally anywhere.

I've never liked it here. There's no culture unless maybe you live in Nashville and you're into the music scene which I am not. Basically my only form of entertainment is sitting and watching YouTube videos and buying things for myself off of Amazon from the coins I can pull together reselling and playing mobile games.

I haven't had friends for so long that I've forgotten what it's like. 

But you know? Someone just told me that my amazing narrative voice gives the characters of I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream a lot of depth. My YouTube subscribers, the kind people of the internet along with my bf have really been a light that keeps me going.

Faceless interaction does count for something.