My boyfriend keeps talking about biting me. I didn't get it until I read up on why people do this, apparently, it's a primitive form of affection. I feel like it's probably going to hurt, but you know? It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.

I'll be his squeaker toy. 

Like it's not how I imagine a whip or a belt feeling where it's a searing clap. That's hot as fuck. Or getting spanked, which he is also excited about. Hm. But yeah it's not how I imagine that stuff. It sounds really sore and hot and wet and throbbing in a bad way and unpleasant, but like it's whatever, I'll try.

I can at least give it a chance and if it doesn't feel good I can tell him no. He posts about how important it is to be respectful of a sub's boundaries and getting consent. I feel like I can trust him. 

God, I would let him bite me all over all night if I could be in his bed for one. You know what? I bet it'll feel good and the pain will be amazing, actually. Not bad at all. Freaking swallow me whole man.

What I should do, I've been thinking more, is that I should just give him my address and let him come to my house and get me.

Like if he told me to pack my bags I would be really scared but I would do it. Honestly, at this point. And I think I would have to initiate that. Are we playing chicken or something to see who will crack first?

Assuming he would still want a loser like myself, but I'm starting to think he doesn't really care. This guy is lonely and literally just wants someone to fuck and cuddle and I'm that someone if I am good for nothing else.

Quite frankly, I know I'm good for more than that, but I'm so tired.

Do I need to be a functioning human being with a stable income to have love? I've had it hammered into me from the time I was really young that before I find a significant other, I need to have my own.

But maybe that's wrong? Maybe that take is borne from our hyper-individualistic culture that assumes we can all make it on our own and anyone who can't is fucking worthless and irrelevant.

Kind of makes me think.

My mom told me and my three older brothers that we should have our own to protect us from abuse. So that we would have an exit strategy if things go south with our partner. She had horribly abusive partners.

Like, horrendously abusive.

Like, I'm gonna drive you out to the middle of the desert and chop your body into pieces and scatter your bones abusive.

So like, I understand why she has been super overprotective. She might be especially overprotective of me. My brother wants to move in with a woman soon if she accepts a relationship with him after breaking up with her boyfriend.

I hope that works out for him. There's an eleven-year age gap there. We both like em young.

Just kidding. I wouldn't care if my partner were older than me. 

This person my bro is into was in the military and she's old enough to drink. She's probably mature enough to date a guy in his thirties and it isn't too weird.

My boyfriend is twenty-five. That's not much of a stretch to thirty. When you're that age you're an adult. Or, ideally, you should be mature enough by that time.

But yeah we're both basically cradle robbers dating people several years younger than us.

Probably because we've both been really coddled and babied, so we're both immature and behind in life compared to most people. Well, I am.

At least he has a job. He just made a lot of mistakes that kept him from getting a job, like shoplifting and accidentally firing a gun at himself. In and out of jail. Then there was the drugs, in no particular order.

Anyway, my mom I don't think would be fearful for him despite the fact that he doesn't really have enough to be financially okay on his own.

Mine is a different story. Aside from wanting to move a thousand miles from here, I'm physically much weaker than my partner and I wouldn't be financially okay on my own.

I'm in love with a man twice my size who can bench press me, probably could snap me like a twig if he wanted.

Why do I find that so hot?

My survival instincts are so dulled I'm not at all afraid to die.

When I was four years old a kid pushed me to the bottom of a swimming pool and I wasn't afraid about drowning. All my little toddler brain could think was, well, here comes death. That lifeguard had a nice rack, I mean objectively. 

I think I mentioned in a past post when I got COVID I laughed about it maybe killing me, although, it's a lot more probable to die at the bottom of a swimming pool. Well, maybe now that I can swim, I'd have to tie a rock around my ankle. 

My anxiety is around the whole point of this life. I've had thoughts before like, I have to kill myself to stop thinking about this stuff. But like that's when I'm really panicked. I've had that horrible anxious feeling a lot less recently.

Turns out most people think the topic of existentialism is boring. 

The point is, I know myself enough to know that I won't get my own without a sort of social glue holding me together, that much has been made very evident to me.

I feel like I've been living in a time capsule, which really carries a lot of its own risks.

No one can stay safe forever. I likely wouldn't be safe from myself if I were to continue to stay here and do nothing with my life. Being overly protected can arguably be as dangerous to a person's well-being as being thrust out into the world with no place to land.

I don't want to wax poetic on this.

Maybe if I felt better I would try harder at life. Or maybe it wouldn't feel like trying hard anymore. Obviously, I don't think life is like a fairy tale and love is a cure for depression but it's definitely not nothing.

Look at what this has done for me, even having a ldr has gotten me off my ass, sort of. Relatively speaking. I'm still a lazy motherfucker to most of society but like compared to where I was a year ago literally laying down and rotting in bed all day every day, man, I'll take this current version of myself over that guy any day.

Like I wanted to die for real.

They did a study on prisoners after they got out and they literally didn't know how to be around people at all after being isolated and forbidden from touching each other. So like, sitting in one place for a long time, starved for touch, it might take some time to get used to the odd sensation of having a life.

But yeah, I think if I were there, if he accepted me for how I am now, if he gave me that sort of physical love and affection, I would probably want to work. I would probably want to go outside and meet people.

My mom would be really afraid if I left the house. She even says things to the effect that she never wants me to leave but I am so tired. This is fucking ridiculous. She treats me like her little helper pet and says that she could never do without me.

I don't know if she's being selfish or if she's just trying to make me feel useful in my otherwise shitty existence. I don't know how to interpret any of that. It's above my pay grade which is currently zero. 

I am thirty years old. I am a grown man. I know I'm mentally disabled, but I want to have my own life. I want to be happy, and I could be. Maybe should be, even.

Maybe if you've ever played a video game where you're hiding from the antagonist for a long time, when they get closer and the music starts building, you'll probably resonate with getting to the point where it's like just kill me already because I need to break that tension.

That's definitely a comparison I chose to make to finally being happy. God I'm morbid.

I need that somatic release like he needs to sink his teeth into me.

I'm so tired of hiding, and what I'm really afraid of is that he will reject me. That would be more painful than anything else he could do. I don't think he will reject me, but this fear is really deep. I'm going to have to bite the bullet and be vulnerable with him if I want him.

Is it that I have an inferiority complex?

It has nothing to do with the Dom/sub stuff, that's all just a fun game. Like the whole 'you're mine' bit is just him playing.

I don't feel lesser for being a sub.

It has to do with me feeling like a defective human being.

What if I actually am just a useless person?

Asking for help would just be an admission of that. 

What if it turns out that I actually can't handle the things that most people can? Would this relationship even work then?

This is what goes through my mind day after day. I could just lay out in front of a pair of tracks. Like the reason the autistic suicide rate is so high is because a lot of us literally can't be functional people.

This man has no obligation at all to me.

He really deserves better. 

I want to make him happy. The best way to do that is to be a good partner for him, considering he likes me so much. My body, at least. It's a good start.

If I'm going to be a good partner, first I have to stop having thoughts like, I'm going to let a train run me through.

Then I have to be honest if I even want a chance with him. He's gonna find out I'm a loser eventually. But then what if he doesn't mind if I can't act like a real adult and he just wants me to be his chew toy?

That might be the best outcome, honestly, for me. 

I might try to get professional help, braving that whole process, for us to have more income. Yeah, I know, sucking off of real people who work. But like nobody really gets a choice where their money goes, not completely, if we want to live somewhat cohesively in society, and he's a real person so it would ultimately benefit him.

Honestly fuck what I just said about being a fake person but I had to just to get it out. That's how I've felt for over a decade. That feeling is not going to immediately go away just because I learned recently that everyone should have basic survival needs as a human right logically.

That little gremlin lodged in my brain is still there and I need to hammer him out like playing whack o mole, and so far the only thing that has helped since I can't see a professional, is this journal.

So if you're reading this, half of this stuff isn't my actual opinion. It's that motherfucker still in my head.

Even people who do literally nothing don't deserve to get kicked out into the cold, although, I think a stipend for everyone would ultimately benefit society because people would be less stressed out and they would actually want to work to have cool things.

You know and fuck it man it's not like I do nothing. I'm trying to make a nonzero amount through YouTube and my channel is creeping up closer to being eligible. I actually do help society by entertaining people like damn.

I still would make a great chew toy.