What I just did, and what I often find myself doing, is right before my mind starts to race with horrible thoughts I think, We're not doing that.

Not right now. We're not doing that. It's so simple but it literally just stopped my brain from getting to a boiling point where my heart starts to pound and I feel like I'm going to scream.

I think things about time and death and how our lives are so, well let me just stop right there before I trigger myself again.

I wish I could just stop. Like forever I want it to stop. I wish I had the answer for how to stop being this way.

Then I think things like do I really love my boyfriend, do I really love my family and my pets.

I don't like it when I'm this empty and have a very detached behavior. I hate it that sometimes I look at my pets and I feel literally nothing like I don't recognize them.

It's so disturbing. I get this way and it's like I'm a hologram watching someone else's life, or a robot in human skin.

God.

I need to be medicated or something. Will that even help? Is this all a result of anxiety?

Where is it coming from? I've never given that a lot of thought, or any at all really. I wonder why I'm like this but it's only in a God I hate myself sort of way and not actual curiosity.

I don't think I'm worth looking inside. I just want this shit to stop. Should I talk about my childhood?

How the fuck does that help? I can kind of get an idea, actually, of how talking about the origins of why I'm crazy might help me to feel at least some form of peace.

Well, it all started when I was four, and I was touched inappropriately by another child.

Doesn't this happen to a lot of people though? I mean compared to what happened to some kids that's not so bad.

It is still pretty fucked up though.

I've never told anyone, will never tell anyone, especially not my mother who blames herself for the same shit happening to my two older brothers, by an adult in that instance.

She asked me point blank if anything like that happened to me, and of course I told her no.

What else? Oh yeah, my horrible ex sister in law. She is literally retarded. Like took the test and got a seventy IQ gold stamped retarded and I'm not making this up.

She would pull bloody tampons right out of her and fling them on the carpet when she was living with us.

Dirty whore. She abused her kids, neglected them. I never wanted kids but the moment that really solidified for me was hearing one of her toddlers screaming nonstop.

I wanted to hurt him to make him shut the fuck up. That's what made me realize I shouldn't be a parent.

Or, at least I thought? Now I'm not so sure. I was a really angry kid. Put though constant bullshit, a lot of it as a direct result from my parents indulging my retard ex sister in law instead of telling her to get the fuck out.

My opinions have softened on my brother since he stopped drinking himself to death.

I still don't think he should ever get remarried. He has shit taste in women. But yeah.

I don't know if I want kids, or more importantly perhaps, if it's practical for me.

Probably not. I don't know why the thought keeps entering my brain. Sometimes I really want them.

Why? I don't know. I guess I want a family but I don't know how that would really benefit me so I don't know why.

My brain is pretty scattered now. At least I don't feel like screaming. This place is like a receptacle for me to dump my thoughts.

Is that basically what a therapist is? I don't think so. I think it's one component but they also prompt you to think about why you think things, which, I've done that here actually.

What else do they do? I think they tell you what's wrong with you and put you on drugs, yeah.