I wish I were as good at it as a few people I've met. They blew me away and shocked me. I didn't think people actually were kind like that outside of fantasy, and it feels really awkward to read someone say like, they care about me.

Or something really intense, more so than that. Or maybe it's normal and I'm just like really cold. I don't know how to reciprocate. I can kind of do it but it feels really weird and awkward. My bf called me an angel and an ethereal man.

Me. An angel. An ethereal man.

Neither for the first time. I don't know what to say to that to kind of match that. How do you even respond to a compliment like that? When we're talking I definitely feel like I'm in Heaven. Oh hey that's a thing to say.

He said he wouldn't say that stuff if it wasn't true.

My dear, sweet love.

All I did was show him my body. Well, that's something impressive to be sure. As much as I want more pics from him, I mean my God he is stunningly handsome, he has such a beautiful soul.

I can tell from his posts. Just a kind empathetic person. Completely obsessed with world maps and geography too, which has been pretty interesting to read about.

We both like animation, which is a huge freaking plus to me. So happy about that.

Treasure Planet, amazing. Road to El Dorado? Hilarious.

Posts about autism. I mean big surprise. We haven't discussed it because that's not something you just ask someone about, but I knew immediately there's no way this dude is neurotypical.

Nobody this into me could possibly be a normie. I'm so happy for that, as I'm sure he probably feels the same since he knows about me.

I can't imagine being with someone who just goes uhuh yeah cool uhuh when I talk about my interests.

Although, I don't like to talk much at all unless it's in front of a mic reading a script.

Although, maybe I would like talking to someone if I didn't feel like I immediately annoy them every time I open my mouth so I just sort of shut down and don't talk at all, and that's been my life.

I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to be a freaking wet blanket anymore.

I have a wet blanket in my pants thinking about when he told me that if I was his househusband I would be completely naked wearing nothing but my collar. Fuck that is smoking hot. I used to be dry as the Sahara but I don't have that problem anymore.

Anyway, you know what they say, birds of a feather. There's actual science behind that, pretty fascinating stuff.

Neurodivergent people are attracted to each other naturally. Works for me! We could be so good together.

He had a migraine. I feel kind of bad for him or anyone who gets those regularly. Even once, honestly from how it sounds, would make me want to bash my own brains out. He said beanies help.

This guy has a trash bag full of beanies from his work. All of them are black. It's so cute. Like how many beanies do you need dude? I could make him one. I like to crochet hats like that. I said that, but then he proceeded to show me trash bag full of beanies and said he's good.

So funny. I could be his hat. I don't know what that means. See, that's what happens when I write without thinking. I end up saying stupid shit like that. It's okay to do it here. Who's going to read this crap?

Although, he has said many times he wants me to sit on his face, so maybe he'd like that.

Anyway, I told him that when I have a headache I like to watch those lego cooking videos. Well, mostly when I'm dissociating but I didn't say that. I hope he feels better. I did ask him how he was, I didn't want to bother him while it probably hurt like eight bitches on a bitch boat.

I'm so glad I've never gotten one. Brain freeze sounds like hell too. The usual headaches are bad enough.

I have had a thought a few times, maybe I could work where he works? The only reason I think this is because he said he wanted to take me behind the oil barrels. Would that be a good idea? Of course, it was just a fantasy and I would never do anything with him that would get him fired.

Like being careful not to call him Sir on the job.

But like, work, be a productive member of society, and actually show up for things? The thought is about as alien to me as moving to another state a thousand miles away from here. It doesn't mean it isn't worth at least trying.

I wonder if he could help me with that. Am I worth the effort? Normally it feels so pathetic to even think about asking another adult how to be an adult. Am I even capable of the most basic thing?

I wonder what he would think of me now. Maybe not that I'm an angel. He might think I'm pretty useless. Hmm. Or would he? I don't know. He could actually think I'm worthless just like most people probably would.

It would really suck if he didn't want me anymore.

I think he's worth pursuing despite that risk. The thought of opening up to him actually feels good because it would be him, and I feel really safe regardless of what he says, which is just more evidence that I'm totally cooked.

It's afternoon. I took my dog in her stroller. A guy across the street said he thought that was a baby in there. I said, well, she is my baby.

My fifteen year old baby. It's so nice that I get to give her some fresh air despite her being very tiny and old. She has slept in my bed for over a decade. If I think about this for long I'm going to cry.

I'll think about something else.

Maybe someday it'll be a baby. One can dream.

I'm having brown sugar bubble milk tea. It's so good. Brown sugar is my favorite flavor. Although the only other flavor I've had is melon. That one was pretty good. I'm drinking it out of a can with no straw, so I hope all the boba doesn't crowd up against each other like panicked people jamming up the only exit door.

I've always liked the name Bonnie. Like from Family Guy or FNAF. I like how it's unisex and not terribly common. And just phonetically gorgeous.

I'm not seeing any bobas. I'm a little bit disappointed. That's the fun part about bubble tea, it's the freaking bobas man what the fuck. Oh okay there's one. Yeah they're all jammed at the bottom.

Probably should have got a straw, huh? This is going to be fun.

My grandma had to go to the emergency room. She passed out while my aunt was giving her a haircut. They said she might need a valve replacement. I mean the woman is eighty-four years old.

My mom said it's because she doesn't believe in God. I think she needs to shut her mouth. We literally all have an expiration date. I don't blame her for not believing in God. This world is so fucked.

Well, our country is fucked. She should have stayed in France. Especially with those medical bills.

Anyway, I think she's okay. That kind of sucked though.

If I had to choose between going to a job and being a stay at home parent, I would much rather be a stay at home parent. Like that would be the ultimate NEET goal. Actually, the ultimate NEET ascention is working from home doing something you like.

I'd be all over that baby. I don't think I'd want to leave their side for even a second, anyway.

The hilarious aspect, by which I mean terrible and awful, my parents want grandchildren. Neither my brother or I can even financially support ourselves on our own. I'm really trying to stay positive and believe that there is hope for me.

I never wanted kids, not in my entire life zero desire not even a smidge ever, until now. Against all logic. Although, maybe more people like me should have children, so it might be a good thing?

Well, okay, I have entertained the idea before but it felt like wishing for something that could just never happen because, well, losers don't get to be happy. Then I would kind of despair about it for a bit and go back to being resigned.

If my plans work out and I can actually get the fuck out of here, our shared breeding kink that frankly I didn't know the depths of until he unlocked it aside, like the way he called me breedable and I gasped and immediately had to go rub one out.

Right, I actually am starting to really have thoughts about having a family with this dude.

These thoughts are like kerosene on already blazing flames lit under my ass to get moving because I want it so bad.

I know that's absolutely getting ahead of myself but fuck man we've known each other for what like over eight months.

But then we don't really know each other? This limbo is driving me crazy. It's somewhat a lack of my own making considering that I lived my earlier life thinking, what is the point? I felt really tired all the time even though all I did was rot in my room.

That's probably why the whole book writing thing never worked out.

Now things are different. Not the book writing thing, I don't care about that anymore. I prefer to make videos, but anyway, my point is I never let myself think much about having a family. But if it's with him fuck yeah, I bet I would love being pregnant.

I always just assumed I was going to be forever alone. Eventually either kill myself or somehow manage to get an entry-level job on my own and start wagecucking, but like I could just imagine if I did that I would at least want my own place because that's supposed to be the reward for working, at least get to have your own place.

What a reward, right? Masking my personality during the day, putting on a smile, making banal chit-chat. Come home to my empty studio apartment, eat my sad microwave six-piece chicken nugget dinner, alone every night until I want to fucking rope anyway.

I don't know if he feels the same way or if it's only kink to him because it's still ridiculous to assume anything now. But it's getting increasingly harder to shut off the thought of having a kid together. I'm so fucked.