I had no idea how long I was unconscious for, but it felt like a while had passed when I finally woke up. Voices were the first thing I heard as I stirred, though they sadly weren't the only thing I experienced.

   How many times had I awoken to pain? They were numerous now, but I never knew it could be this bad. It was like my insides were rotting from nausea, my head feeling like it'd been pierced by a pickaxe while my whole body was consumed by violent shudders like I'd been thrown out into the freezing cold. I wanted to say something but could only gag, my throat constricting painfully.

   "He's awake!" what sounded like Aedia's voice said sharply. There was also a sharp, piercing pain in my arm as I moved, but it was nothing in the face of everything else. I weakly opened my eyes, wincing at the light that stabbed into them and worsened my migraine. "Len? Len, can you hear me?"

   "A-Addy, where..." I wheezed, her nickname coming out a raspy, choked mockery of its usual pronunciation.

   "You're back home, you've been unconscious for almost two days now," she replied. Her voice was relieved, but there was another tone buried beneath it, one I couldn't try to pick up on then. Aedia pressed a cool compress to my forehead, a sensation that was sorely desired. "Some customers from the bar brought you and Melva here when she told them you fell unconscious and wouldn't wake up. You... You had alcohol poisoning, Len."

   What she said was hardly making sense to me. I'd been poisoned again? I could start to make out my surroundings again, everything swimming back into focus. Aedia was leaning over me, and behind her I could see Lissy along with an older man I didn't recognize immediately. Then I could recall that he was a doctor from the Central District. Beside my bed was a metal stand with a glass bottle suspended at the top, marked with white lines and filled with a clear liquid. An IV stand? That explained the pain in my arm... It turned out I was actually in the patient recovery room that was downstairs in the clinic. But if I was here in the patient room, then where was Melva?

   "If you're wondering, Melva is at the clinic closer to her home," Aedia said. "There's no way I'm lettin' you two be close together for now." That was what it was, coldness. Aedia had never sounded so cold before, and it admittedly made me shudder more than I already was. I wanted to be sick again but had nothing left in me to throw up, so my body just seized without my control while the Central District doctor got Aedia's attention.

   "Now that he's conscious, the true battle will start," he said. "I can send my assistant to stay with you while he's sobering up since you said you've had no experience treating a recovering alcoholic. I would do it myself, but I have my own clinic to attend to."

   Sobering up, alcoholic, each of those words stabbed deep into me. It was clear my secret had been brought to light, and my first was that I wouldn't be allowed to drink anymore. A wave of dread washed over me. I let out a strained, wheezy cry at that realization, that I was going to be fully subjected to my nightmares once again.

   Aedia turned back to me, her lips pursed. "I shouldn't need to ask how you're feeling, Len." Her face fell as she sighed, gently running a hand through my hair. "I have a lot I want to say to you, but it really shouldn't be said now. Your body is already under enough stress, and you don't need more." That just made me feel worse, and I didn't know how that was possible.

   "I suggest you buy a few ration bars to crush and mix into some broths he can drink," the other doctor said. "Since keeping things down will be difficult for him, anything high in nutrients and easy to digest will be the best thing he can have."

   Aedia nodded before earnestly saying, "Th-thank you, I appreciate your help so much. When should I expect your assistant to come by?"

   "In the next hour or so. I already asked him to come, and I'll wait here until he arrives so you and your assistant won't be alone in case anything happens," the doctor replied. After that, I started to sink into a haze, having neither the energy or strength to keep listening. But I was able to pick up on one more thing, and it filled me with even more dread. "Let him sleep, we'll be here."

   No, I couldn't sleep, anything but that! I feebly tried to fight, but it was like every part of me was being weighed down by lead weights. Still, I swore I was moving, as the needle in my arm wrenched painfully.

   "Len?" Aedia cried, her face screwing up in panic. But the doctor gently grabbed my shoulders and held me down, his brow furrowing in concern.

   "He's not seizing, so he's fine there. Still, a mild sedative may be necessary to help him calm down, and he may need something so possible seizures won't occur. Do you have anything for either of those?" the doctor asked, and Aedia nodded before rushing from the room. "Len, you need to calm down. You're going to be okay, and your friend will be as well. Your sister is going to get something to help you relax, and you can sleep for a while." The doctor spoke to me in a purposefully calm, softer tone, but that didn't stop the fear from striking into me.

   I shook my head, still trying to struggle. "No, y-you can't make me..." I stammered. "Don't make me sleep, p-please!"

   "I know of your nightmares, your sister told me, but you need to sleep eventually," the doctor said. His grip tensed, like he wanted to push down more to keep me in place, but he didn't do it for some reason I couldn't hope to think of then. But then Aedia returned, something metal gleaming in her hand. "Sedate him, he won't stop fighting," the doctor said. My heart was pounding out of my chest now as I felt utterly helpless. Another hand grabbed my wrist, splaying out the underside of my right arm. I could hardly see Aedia around the doctor, but for a moment our eyes met.

   "A-Addy..." I whimpered in a weak beg. Her mouth fell open a bit, like she wanted to say something, but then her expression hardened and she looked away. There was a sharp pinch in my arm, followed by a momentary burning pain, and then it was over. The doctor still held me down as I started tearing up, both from overwhelming dread and shame that I was acting like this. I just couldn't stand the thought, but I soon found myself sapped of what little strength I had left as my muscles started to loosen and relax. Only then was I released.

   As the doctor let go of me, Aedia sighed and took a seat in a chair in a corner of the room. "Are you okay?" the doctor asked. She nodded, and he straightened up. "He's pulled out the IV, it seems like. I can reinsert it if you want to relax for a moment."

   "No, I can do it," Aedia said as she shook her head. "He's my brother, and you only offered to help oversee things." She stood back up after she said this, searching around in a cabinet along the wall. She pulled out another glass bottle and started replacing the one that was in the IV stand. "I would like to sleep for a couple hours once your assistant arrives, but I'll stay awake until then."

   Had she not slept since I was brought home? A deep regret started filling me, partially deafened by everything else overwhelming me. I closed my eyes against the fierce pounding in my head, trying to grit my teeth but struggling to do so. With no rejections from me, the doctor turned me on my side, making sure my cheek was laying against the mattress with no pillow.

   "Addy... I'm s-sor..." I tried to say, but it felt like even my tongue was starting to loosen as well. I was becoming more sluggish by the minute, exhaustion threatening to pull me under, but it seemed it was struggling as well. Even my own internal processes were at war with the withdrawal symptoms. And that was what it was, withdrawal. I was addicted, and it seemed I would be torn away from it all.

   When she heard me speak, Aedia just gave me another blank look, though her eyes seemed to hold some trace of sorrow. I could hardly tell.

   "The worst is unfortunately yet to come," the doctor said, looking at my sister. "But if he's as strong as you say he is and you all help him, then he should be able to pull through."

—~*~—

What I'd felt when I first awoke could be considered child's play to what I went through in the days afterwards. It was like my whole body had been thrown into chaos, a small life vessel in the middle of a torrential hurricane out in the ocean. But there was no eye of the storm, just continuous torment. All I could do was remain curled in a shuddering ball while food was force-fed to me before I almost immediately threw it back up again, and fluids were more successfully administered through the IV.

   I had to be kept under sedatives sporadically throughout the days I was suffering, especially during the nights when I was forced into sleep. If not, I would throw myself into fits of panic I couldn't control, even less so than I could before. But everyone had to sleep, and I unwillingly sunk into it as well.

   Old dreams arose amidst the ones brought on by Vio's death, painful ones of my parents with the Talpiclor looming over them. Or... no, the dark shape was Aedia, giving me an expression as cold as the voice she'd spoken with before. I didn't even have the strength to force myself awake. All I saw was darkness as I turned and ran from them, unable to bear the overwhelming shame I got from knowing they were looking upon their failure of a son.

   A light started to form before me, growing as I ran towards it. I needed to get out of here, I wanted to wake up! The light grew blinding, but I still ran. But then my right leg failed me, my foot not landing properly and causing my prosthetic to bend at the side as I tripped and fell.

   My shout was muffled by the sudden sensation of blankets and a mattress impacting me, and I tore my eyes wide open and bolted upright. I was back in bed? I'd woken up? I would've cried out from relief, but my relief only lasted a moment.

   "Were you having a nightmare, Len?"

   My head snapped up. In the darkness of the room, illuminated by the moonlight spilling in through the curtains, were my parents. Mother was smiling at me, approaching with her hands outstretched. I was too shocked to react as she cupped my face in her hands, her touch nonexistent but still tangible in a sense.

   "You've grown so much, it's a shame you all let it go to waste," Mother said mournfully. I wanted to be confused about this, but my mind was still trying to catch up with everything else I was witnessing.

   "It wants you back," Father said, and Mother nodded in agreement. It slowly clicked, and when it did, my stomach curdled. "Why do you fight it?" he asked. "Either you return, or it'll pull you back itself. Didn't you want this?"

   "N-not like this!" I whimpered, my throat tightening as my eyes stung with forming tears. Then from behind Father, another figure emerged. Vio, of course it was Vio. Every part of him was covered in bloody holes and streams of red, the most colorful parts of him being his blood-streaked hair and piercing eyes.

   "You didn't forfeit only our lives, did you?" Mother asked with a bittersweet smile as Father nodded. Vio smiled as well, a horrible, bloodstained grin that was a mockery of the grins I'd known so well. He opened his mouth, seemingly to speak, but a gush of blood spilled forth instead. A whimper escaped me. "Why don't you come join us? You clearly miss us so much," Mother then asked. In an instant, her nails dug into my face before ripping through the skin, shredding it like paper.

   I screamed.

   Then they were all gone, the forms of my loved ones as well as the pain in my face. I was suddenly faced with the assistant of the Central District's doctor, trying to reach out for me as well. I instinctively smacked his hands away, albeit weakly, flattening myself against the wall as I gasped and wheezed.

   "Len, do you recognize me? I won't hurt you," the assistant said. "Whatever you were seeing wasn't real, it was just a hallucination."

   I stared at the assistant blankly, my brain firing on empty as I still couldn't understand what I'd seen. But I slid down the wall, collapsing onto the bed as I slipped into shock. Was I in a dream or awake now? I had no clue, and I didn't care to know anyways. It was all utter hell, and I wanted nothing more for it to end.

—~*~—

Bit by agonizing bit, the awful agony began to recede. As it did, I was able to start holding food and water down for longer. I was weaned off the IV and sedatives as well, though it obviously didn't help my sleep at all. It had apparently taken me about a week to sober up, but it had felt like years had passed me by while I was locked in that horrible state. Halfway through, I was able to be brought up to my room where I staved off the rest of that time. But finally, I broke through it all.

   Two or so days after I sobered up, I sat in my bed, feeling like a complete mess while I dully ate yet another bowl of ration bar-mixed soup. Aedia sat by, watching me with the same blank expression she'd been wearing since I was brought home. I was nothing but numb, like I'd just spent the last week wandering through a dream. It was like my head was stuffed with cotton, blurring the sounds as well.

   "Do you want to go wash up now?" Aedia asked when I finished. "I started running a bath for you while I was making dinner." I nodded, and she took the bowl from me while I got up from the bed. I had to go back to using my cane for now, my gait unsteady as I hobbled to the bathroom. The steam from the hot water wasn't even bothering me at this point, it was like all the horror had been momentarily wrung out of me.

   I didn't know what I was expecting to see when I looked in the bathroom mirror. The man who looked back from the mirror had accumulated a week's worth of stubble along with the slight shadows of bags under his eyes, all framed by a mane of tangled hair that reached down to his chest. I was a wreck, plain and simple. I hated seeing myself like this, so I took the time to attempt and clean up. Once I was finally able to put myself back together again, I took my bath and just tried, yet again, to forget everything that had happened.

   Aedia urged me back to bed as soon as I was done washing up, not even giving me a chance to go sit in the kitchen or try and move about upstairs a bit more. I expected to be left alone for the night, but instead Aedia sat down on the edge of the bed next to me. Her expression was nothing but unnerving, made even more so by the dark shadows that had returned to her eyes as well, but I had no right to speak against her.

   "Len, c-can you please explain something to me," she started in a strained voice. "Why do you keep insisting on lying to me so much? Not just me, everyone else?

   "Because... I've already been enough of a burden to you all," I replied.

   Aedia inhaled deeply through her nose, rubbing her temples with the heels of her hands. "A burden? Len... you know you haven't been a burden to any of us. After such a setback, it was expected that you would take so long to recover."

   "I know, but that's just been for my leg. There's been so much more I keep dealing with, and I force it onto everyone else as well because of how much it affects me," I said. "It's not enough that I lost my leg, no, I-I have to keep you all worrying my damn nightmares that just won't leave me alone. You say you all care, and I know you all do, but I also know that you're getting tired of me... You're always dealing with me when you all have your own worries that still need to be tended to."

   "Everyone has their own issues, yeah. But yours, by some horrible luck, are more grievous than everyone else's," Aedia said.

   Frustration started burning in my chest. "And you all should be worrying about yourselves more than me." I started counting off on my fingers, my voice growing more heated with each thing I listed. "You didn't see me for a year, Syele and Lissy lost Vio, Melva lost her brother, Llyr had to see all of that and can't eat meat anymore because of it, and Gwynden has to deal with the fact he gave the orders to let my leg be taken! All of that, and I'm just here either being a reminder of that trauma or taking up your time and space! I was supposed to take care of you and the others, but I've become nothing but a burden!"

   "So you turn to drinking to make us worry less?" Aedia questioned, sounding both confused and upset. "I don't understand your logic, Len!"

   "I kept it from you because I was ashamed I got myself into something else, and I just wanted to deal with it on my own!" I stated. "A-and I liked it, Addy. It gave me a chance to sleep. Those sleeping pills you gave me did nothing but make my nightmares worse."

   Aedia went quiet for a moment, seeming to think as my frustration continued to simmer. "It's only a chance you would've gotten those side effects, I've had patients who didn't feel anything," she then said.

   Why didn't she understand what I was saying? "Then I'm just so fortunate, aren't I?" I growled bitterly.

   "N-Not that it's good for you to rely on them anyways!" Aedia said. "You could get addicted to them, just like you had with drinking! And look, you're not obsessively craving alcohol anymore, are you? You're not shaking or throwing up like you've been? That's a sign that it was nothing but a horrible idea to drink that much on such a constant basis!"

   "You don't understand!" I exclaimed. "I-I can't live without it, Addy!"

   Her mouth dropped open for a second, looking as if I'd spoken a different language. "Yes you can. You've been living without it for the past week, and you're gonna keep living without it! Even if it means not seein' Melva anymore, I'll make sure it happens!"

   Now I was the one to fall into shock. "Excuse me?" I asked quietly, baffled before my face screwed up in anger. "What gives you the right to do that? You're my younger sister, you're not our parents! I listened to you before because it was for my health and your happiness! Melva is one of the only friends I have, why would you want to keep her away?"

   Aedia looked at me, incredulous before for the first time ever, she scowled. "A-are you serious, Len? Are you stupid? She almost killed you with those drinks! She influenced you to drink, and you just fell into it and poisoned yourself! I'm the stupid one too for not noticing this all this time, what you've really buying with your money and those bottles under your bed! Mom and Dad just never told me about it since drinking was so normal back home! But Melva's a horrific influence, and even though she's been sobering up as well, she might just get you to start drinking again!"

   I couldn't believe she was trying to do this. I was older than her, dammit, I should've known better than her! "You just don't understand! I can't live without it!"

   "Living?" Aedia spat. "But you have been! Why do you want to go back to it if you know how much it hurts you? Even if you hadn't poisoned yourself, aren't the withdrawal symptoms, constant drain on your money, and worry of being found out enough for you? Steady drinking would kill you eventually!"

   "I'd rather die than stop!" I yelled.

   That shocked Aedia into silence, and she just stared at me, her face falling blank. "What?" she then asked quietly.

   "Drinking helped me forget, just like I wanted to. Mother, Father, Vio... they all died because of me," I said, my voice cracking. "I-I thought I was strong, I'd seen horrible things when I was younger before I started delving, but I can't forget any of this. I hate complaining, but it all hurts so damn much!" It was nice to feel an emotion besides sorrow for once, but now it was smothering my anger, hurting my chest for a different reason.

   Aedia again seemed to think, taking my hand in hers as she did so. "I think it's because when you used to help Mom and Dad, you didn't know the people who got hurt. Those miners weren't our friends and family, they were just people you needed to help. But now you personally felt the pain of losing limbs, losing your abilities to do simple things, and losing family. We both know the pain of losing parents, but I could never imagine what it must've felt like to have your leg amputated without sedatives or any proper medical procedures, all while you were poisoned."

   Thankfully, my mind refused to process that memory at the moment. "I can't even describe it... It was just horrific," I muttered. "I've been making you all worry because of my mental health, but I-I'm feeling like I'm going crazy, Addy."

   "You're not crazy, don't worry," Aedia said firmly, shaking her head. "You just haven't been able to deal with all this that well, and we need to help you figure out a way you could do it."

   "What did I expect? It's been the price I had to pay, but I just kept pushing and pushing... Now I'm here, just... not myself. I thought I was getting back to my old self, but I think he's gone forever."

   The picture Llyr had drawn in the field filled my mind's eye then, myself with that stupidly blissful, naïve smile. I wanted to love delving again, I wanted to be ignorant again. No, not even that, I wanted to be able to find the good in things again. If not for myself, then for Llyr, Aedia, and everyone else. I was doing it before, but it seemed to have slipped away from me.

   "I can't live like this," I admitted for the first time. "I hate living like this so much... I-I want to die so I don't have to deal with anything anymore, but I can't leave you all behind! I love you, Addy, I can't leave you!" At this, Aedia grabbed me and hugged me tightly.

   "Don't say that, Len, p-please. It's selfish to say, but I can't lose you too. I already thought you were dead before, and I don't wanna think about that again if it was out of your control that it happened."

   I shook my head. "No, what's selfish is me thinking I could handle this all on my own. I-I was still lying to you even though I said I wouldn't. Again and again I keep lying to you, and I don't know why you've still bothered to trust me. Now I just feel like a failure to Mother and Father, and I've failed you as well..."

   "You..." Aedia trailed off, holding me tighter. "I'm still so angry about all the lying and deception, but I love you too. I can't hate you. You've been there for me ever since we were kids, and you're still with me now. I'm gonna do the same for you. No matter what you choose to do or where you go, I wanna be with you."

   "Thank you..." I said in a voice that shook far more than I wished it would.

   "I want you to achieve your dreams, even if you don't think they're attainable anymore," Aedia said. "I want to see you become a White Whistle, I'll do everything I can to make sure you get one. But if you don't want to, I-I understand. Just know that I'll support you in whatever you wanna do."

   If I wasn't already crying then, I was now, tears beading in my eyes and starting to drip down my face. I wiped them away, feeling horribly ashamed. Thankfully Aedia didn't have to see me cry this time.

   "Like I said, what we need to do is help you solve this. You can't go back to drinking, so what you need is another outlet."

   She was right. Even if it would be difficult, I needed something else, even though I wanted to taste the sweet burn of rum again... I clenched my teeth so hard it hurt my jaw, trying to think of something else. "Llyr suggested drawing everything I'd been seeing and feeling, but I hate confronting everything in general," I offered, wincing. "And would you mind staying in here with me until I fell asleep at least? You've always just helped me with that, even if it's just your presence."

   Aedia pulled away from me so she could look me in the face again. "That sounds like a good idea. And don't worry, I will," she said with a cautious smile. "If you're already seeing all this in your nightmares, you might as well have your own free will in drawing and talking about them. And you might start improving. You've been getting better with being around things like steam and knives, and you've learned to walk again. That's more progress than you think it is."

   "I know it is, but I can't help but wish for more," I said with a shrug. I wanted to smile, but it was definitely more of a grimace. "It was like when I was first trying to build up my strength when I was younger. I wanted results so quickly, even though I had to just keep pushing."

   Aedia's smile widened. "And you say your old self is gone. It's still there, you just need to bring it out again." Her smile then faded as her expression became serious. "But Len, are you gonna commit to this? We can force you to do things, but nothing will be solved if you don't commit either."

   I almost wanted to laugh at that. It was just like Gwynden said at the bar, and now the irony was coming full-circle. "I-I want to get better. So yes, I will."

   "Thank you," Aedia said. "But still, for now, you can't go out alone, and I've removed all the alcohol from the house besides the rubbing alcohol for my practices. This isn't because I or anybody else doesn't trust you, it's because you still might be tempted."

   I definitely felt bitter about that, but I still understood. "Just don't keep pushing yourself more than you already have been," I said, frowning.

   Aedia looked a bit dismissive, "You've worked yourself sick to help me, and I'd gladly do the same to help you too," she said firmly. "But I'll try, even if I'm already not doing well on that front."

   So long as she tried as well... Then I thought about something. "But what about Melva? Am... I still not allowed to see her?"

   Aedia shook her head. "Not until you both have spent more time away from alcohol. Gwynden is staying with her for now." I was silent then, and Aedia frowned at me. "Is something wrong?" I looked at her, chuckling nervously as I grimaced.

   "Melva is going to kill him," I said seriously. We exchanged glances before breaking down into snickers.

   "Honestly, it's better that he does it. An unstoppable force meets an immovable object that isn't Ozen," Aedia said, and that just made us laugh more. It was more bittersweet to me, but it was also relieving. Were things looking up? I had no idea, but truly, I wanted to believe so.