By this point, I was more than used to navigating Orth's streets by myself. I could forget I even had a prosthetic, and this was one of those times. If only I could feel good about that, but I couldn't stop the shaking. I tried burying my hands in my pockets, rubbing my arms to create heat, but I still continued trembling. Damn, I needed a drink, I was sure that would warm me up.

   I bit my tongue to distract me from the intrusive thoughts, telling myself to hurry so Llyr wouldn't be kept waiting. I could try running, and it would warm me up too. Perfect, just anything to take my mind off of the sweet rum waiting for me in my room... Stop, focus on getting to Llyr's, I chastised myself.

   It turned out it was easier to practice jogging and running than walking. Then again, it was just the weight of my leg I'd been adjusting to rather than my coordination for that. If I could walk, running could come easier, though this was just in Orth. If only I could practice in the Abyss, but I wouldn't even think about that.

   Soon enough, I reached Morgan's. And even better, Llyr was already waiting behind the front counter when I entered the shop. He had a backpack with him, smaller than the one he used for delving but larger than a satchel. I naturally grew curious about what was in the pack, but he moved it out of my sight (as much as he could hide it with his smaller frame).

   "You don't need to look!" Llyr protested.

   "So you just proved right there that there's something worth hiding from me," I said back with a smile. Llyr's face flushed, and he pouted for a second.

   "O-okay, maybe. But still, let it be a secret for a bit!" he said.

   I nodded. "I will, I won't say another word!"  He opened his mouth to say something else, but I quickly added, "And before you ask, I am feeling up to this. If I don't do things like this, I won't recover completely. I've already been practicing more than enough with the hilly roads around here, I just need to make larger steps now."

   At that, Llyr sighed with a soft smile. "I'm glad I could hear you say that." But then he frowned. "Why're you shaking?"

   I clenched my fists, trying in vain to stop the trembling. "I'm shaking? I-it's nothing, don't worry. I've just been cold today, it's actually pretty chilly out," I reassured him. "L-let's just get going." He nodded after a moment of hesitance. I held the shop door open for him, and we left.

   For a time, all we did was talk about mundane things as we walked. I kept clenching and unclenching my hands all the while, trying to still my very core, but I couldn't. My muscles were even starting to ache from doing that, or was I already aching like this before? I couldn't remember, I just needed—

   "So has everything with your delving been okay?" I made myself say, interrupting what Llyr was saying. I felt bad for cutting him off like that, but I just needed to find ways to distract myself.

   Thankfully, Llyr looked confused instead of upset with me. "It's been nice enough, nothing crazy happening. Still, it's strange not having you there. I-I know it's been almost a year since you stopped delving, but I can't get used to it."

   "Melva's been carrying your plants, hasn't she? I asked her to," I said with a bit more dismissiveness than I intended, and Llyr nodded. He didn't seem to pick up on my tone and continued talking.

   "She has, don't worry. I didn't even have to say that you asked, she just does it for me," he said. "Gwynden tries to help too, but Melva always takes care of it before he can. We were actually thinking of making a delve down to the Second Layer for a day or two, but..."

   "You can go ahead and do it," I said instantly, understanding his hesitation. "I'm much better than I was even just a month ago, you don't need to miss out on a delve because I don't do it anymore."

   Llyr nodded, though he still looked pained. "Melva was going to bring it up when she visited tomorrow, but I-I felt I had to say something first. I don't want to keep things like this to myself since you..."

   "You're worried that I'd be upset?" I finished. Llyr winced, nodding a bit as he shrugged. "Again, you don't have to worry. I knew I'd be missing out on delves like that when I gave up delving. I'll just wait for you to come back... but make sure you stay safe, okay? All three of you." My heart sank a little as I realized I was now on the side of how Aedia felt before. The irony of it didn't escape me in the slightest.

   "We'll do our best," Llyr said.

   Soon enough, the buildings grew more sparse and gave way to bushes and grass as the cobblestone roads became dirt. We were exiting Orth, and nothing but the hills and eventual cliffs stood before us. I couldn't recall the last time I'd been this far out of the city proper, literal years at this point.

   "Are you feeling okay so far?" Llyr asked, and I nodded.

   "Let's just go, we're burning daylight," I said with a smile. I couldn't help but feel irritated at Llyr's question, even if he was just showing concern for me. Why did I have to be so awful to him and everyone else now?

   There were several trails and small roads that carved their way up to the rim, though it was the trails we took. On occasion, we saw carts and groups of people heading down the roads, making their way towards the city. Merchants and off-shore visitors, most likely. I couldn't imagine how long they may have taken them to get here, all that time spent out on the ocean. It made me queasy even thinking about it.

   With every step I took, I braced myself to trip or stumble. But every step resulted in sure footing. I was more than relieved that I'd already been practicing without my cane, because the terrain wouldn't have allowed for something like that to be used, not without more hindrance. Llyr kept trying to offer me his arm for me to grab, but I ignored it, pushing myself on. My legs were more than strong, my lungs more than capable of taking in the air without issue. I wasn't weak, I could do it on my own!

   Then, finally, I was the first of us to stumble off the path and onto the top of the rim. The great, looming windmills I had passed with my family were a distance away, with only a stretch of windswept grass dotted with rocks and open patches of dirt hiding the sweeping ocean beyond the cliff.

   "Len, look," Llyr said. He wasn't facing the ocean, but the direction we'd come from. "It's... actually beautiful."

   Curious, I turned around, and I found myself cast back into a memory from nearly sixteen years ago. The city of Orth, spread out before me as it ringed the Abyss. Even with how much I'd grown since then, it was still all so impossibly big. My face was blank as I gazed down at the city. All I felt was an intense hollowness in my core. But reaching out from that hollowness were threads of intense longing.

   "I can't believe I've never been up here before, it looks amazing," Llyr said, smiling widely. "Come on, we need to go look at the ocean!"

   When we reached the other edge of the rim, we were greeted by the seemingly endless blue ocean. As far as the eye could see, there was water. A flock of birds flew through the partly-cloudy sky, dipping down to skim the water on occasion. While it was beautiful, I still couldn't help but wince.

   "When I was traveling here with my family, I hated the trip. I still hate the ocean, honestly. I can't swim to save my life," I said with a sheepish chuckle.

   "You can't swim?" Llyr asked, surprised. "Then again, I've never seen you swim." 

   I shook my head. "Well, no. It was always too cold back home to swim, even in the summer. But it's not just that. The ocean's beautiful and all, and I could look at it all day, but I get horribly seasick whenever I spend more than a few minutes on any kind of boat. It's been more than nice to have to not set foot on another boat since then."

   "I never took you for someone who got seasick," Llyr said, slightly amused. "You just don't look like it at all."

   "As I'm... not a fan of spiders as well. You know I'm the complete opposite of how I look," I said, and Llyr laughed a little.

   "You're not completely wrong. It doesn't matter, since that's just something else I love about you. But now that we're here..." He trailed off as he slung his bag off and started digging around in it. He soon pulled out his sketchbook along with a pencil. "I say we do some drawing for a bit? It's really why we came up here in the first place." I happily agreed with him, taking out my own sketchbook as well. After we settled ourselves on the cliff edge facing the ocean, we started drawing.

   I'd drawn in the Abyss many times before, dealing with the occasional woes of being exposed to elements that could easily ruin a drawing. However, there was something distinctly different about drawing here. The wind still tugged at the paper and the birds still screeched overhead, but it felt so... strange. Safe, that was what it was, I felt safe here. There was really no danger of being attacked by some creature or illegal Delvers, and it was strangely nice.

   I wasn't the best at drawing bodies of water, not able to make it look more than just a series of squiggles and waves. I needed more substance to it. Because of that, I tried to draw the windmills further down the rim. It wasn't exactly easy to do this, though, and not for my lack of skills. The sun beating down on me sparked a small aching in my head, and queasiness stirred in my gut whenever I swallowed. Heatstroke? No, it was hardly hot out. Were the medications wearing off already? That didn't make sense either since it'd only been a few hours. I couldn't have been getting worse...

   I again made myself clench my fists, struggling to rip myself elsewhere. Drawing, I needed to get back to my drawing. But looking at those windmills made me wonder. Which of those belonged to Orth's refinery? I couldn't wait until I was paid next, then I could—

   Without thinking, I dug my nails into my scars, obviously making myself stifle a cry of pain. Llyr startled and looked at me in shock, and I didn't know how to explain myself. I sat there, still shaking with my heart in my throat. I was just so desperate to stop thinking about drinking that I did anything I could to stop the thoughts for a moment.

   "A-a bug landed on my face, and it scared me," I stuttered with an awkward smile. "Don't worry." I was sure I looked like I was losing it, and I was starting to feel that way.

   Llyr didn't seem satisfied with my response. "You've been acting strange all morning, and you're still shaking. A-are you sure you're not sick? Because we could've done this another day if you aren't feeling well."

   "I'm not sick," I said firmly.

   "Then... how about we just have lunch early?" Llyr tried to smile. "I-I know, the surprise was ruined before I wanted to tell you, but I brought lunch for us. We can simply take our time, right?" Feeling guilty, I nodded, and Llyr's smile became genuine. "Then I'll start setting things up. And you don't have to help, just keep drawing!"

   His enthusiasm was enough to lighten my spirits, and I nodded. "Then I will."

   Llyr started to take more things out of his bag, and I still watched him out of the corner of my eye. He'd actually packed a blanket in addition to the food he'd prepared, which was sealed in a metal container. Among the scent of sea-salt from the wind, I picked up on the scent of fresh bread, though I tried to act like I didn't notice it.

   "Okay, you can look now," Llyr said. I turned fully to look, and I smiled at the scene he'd set up. A few plates were placed among the containers at the blanket's center, a pair of wrapped sandwiches placed on two of the plates. "I think these actually look pretty decent? They definitely look worse since they were in my bag for a few hours," he said, sulking.

   "They look perfectly fine! You didn't even have to do this in the first place, so I'm happy you did regardless. Thank you," I reassured him, picking up the sandwich. While it did look appetizing, I found I had no appetite, and the smell made my stomach churn. I was starting to feel sicker by the minute, but I made myself take a bite while fishing in my pocket for the extra medication I brought.

   After a second or two of searching, no pills presented themselves. My heart dropped. Why didn't I have anything? And then I remembered. I didn't take any extra medication because Aedia had shooed me out of the bathroom before, and I'd been in such a rush to leave that I didn't bother taking any. I swallowed hard, trying to think of what I was supposed to do here.

   "How's your drawing coming along?" Llyr asked. "I like to think mine's okay, but it's pretty hard drawing something with so little major features. It's all details that make the overall drawing here."

   I shrugged. "It could be better, could be worse. I definitely need to practice with structures more."

   "I can't say I'm the best at them either," Llyr said before pulling out a thermos from his bag. "Are you still thirsty? Because I have some water left over." Was I thirsty? That was an understatement, but it was a different kind of beverage I was so desperately craving. "After we're done eating, we should—"

   "You didn't happen to bring any wine with you or anything, did you?" I couldn't help but ask, wincing as I did so.

   Llyr shook his head. "Wh-what? No? I would've, but I know you don't drink, so it would've been weird to only bring some for myself."

   I scrambled to think of an excuse, mentally slapping myself as I did so. "That's a shame, I was actually interested in trying that strawberry wine you always like drinking. Y-you say it has a strange taste, but it's just made me curious." What was actually wrong with me? Why couldn't I stop thinking about this? I wanted to yell from frustration, but instead I made myself smile.

   "Oh, then I would've," Llyr said with a laugh. "We can have some when we're done here. But do you want to go down to the beach when we're done eating? I'd love to see the water. Not swim or walk in it, but just look at it. Is that weird?"

   I shook my head. "It isn't! It's nice to admire things like that, so long as we're not doing any swimming. But can we go back after that? I'm actually starting to feel tired for some reason."

   "Well, you did walk all the way up here when you haven't done anything like this in months," Llyr said understandingly. Even as he said that, an air of awkwardness hung over us. I'd definitely ruined things. My head was really starting to ache now, combining with the rest of the pain that had already been seizing me.

   "I-I'm sorry, Llyr," I muttered, and he looked at me, confused. "I know you said you haven't minded being with me, but I still can't help but feel bad about it. We hardly had any time to enjoy our relationship before everything happened, and it's just been a mess ever since. This is the first real date we've been on since we got together, and it's been... I suppose a year since then? I don't even know if it's a year, time makes no sense to me anymore."

   Llyr smiled a little. "Every time we draw together is a date to me, we don't have to go out and do something crazy for it to count as one. Being able to spend time with you is all I want to do, it doesn't mean where and how."

   "Are you sure? You said you loved my positivity and how it's helped you, but it's been clear that I haven't been the most positive person during my recovery," I said, wincing. Llyr nodded, leaning against me.

   "I'm sure. I can't always depend on you to lift me up, I need to do the same for you like I did before," he said. "And I'll do it as long as you need me to, because I'm sure you'd do the same for me."

   "You have some high expectations for me, but you aren't wrong," I said.

   Llyr reached up to my face, tapping me on my nose. "I can at least be confident in saying I'm right. You're as open as the books you read, Len."

   I couldn't help but blush at that, chuckling sheepishly. "You're more than right about that."

   By the time I managed to finish forcing my sandwich down my throat, Llyr was finishing packing the dishes up. I so badly wanted to go back home, but I told Llyr we were going to the beach. I just had to focus on not being sick. I could do it while I was delving, I could do it here.

   Llyr jumped to his feet, walking alongside the ocean cliff edge before turning to face me. "Come on, Len! There's a path right here." He was clearly in a better mood after our talk. I nodded, bracing my hands against my knees as I stood. I stumbled, but Llyr caught me, handing me my cane to steady yourself. "Are you okay?" he asked.

   "Yes," I said for the umpteenth time. "No more worrying for the rest of the day, okay? I-I'm fine." I moved my arm from Llyr's grasp, hoping he hadn't felt how badly I was shaking.

   Like before, Llyr went ahead of me on the trail, which was decently steeper than the previous trail. We'd definitely come to more of a sheer cliff area than more of a slope. I kept my hand against the cliff face as I descended, not about to depend on my cane to keep me steady if need be.

   Finally we reached the beach, an expanse of white sand mixed with rocks and a few larger rock formations here and there. The end of the beach seemed to dip down a bit abruptly from how I saw it, but I wouldn't know for sure unless we went to the beach's edge itself. Llyr's face lit up, and he instantly crouched down to examine a patch of beach grass growing close by us.

   "I can't believe I haven't been down here sooner! I've missed out on so much here." He took off his shoes and socks, digging his toes into the warm sand. "Have I been acting strange? I probably am," he said, his face flushing.

   "A bit, but it's cute," I said, and Llyr's face reddened further.

   "I don't mind it, then," he said. He stood up and began walking further down the beach, looking over his shoulder to see if I was following. I hesitated in doing so, but I did, not wanting to be left behind. My boots sank half an inch or so into the sand, not enough to unsteady more than I already was.

   I took a deep breath, only to regret it. I couldn't stand the scent of the sea-salt on the wind, reminding me all-too-much of the awful boat ride when my family first came to this island. I'd spent nearly every hour hanging over the side of the boat throwing up, even when I had nothing left in me. Bile started to rise in my throat, and I clamped a hand to my mouth to keep it down.

   "Oh, the water's so cold!" Llyr gasped from the beach's edge where it met the water. "I thought it'd be warmer when it's constantly being baked in the sun."

   No, I couldn't do it any longer. "Llyr, w-wait a—" I couldn't finish my sentence as my nausea overcame me, and I doubled over and vomited. That amazing meal Llyr had made, all gone to waste as I upturned everything onto the sand.

   "L-Len? Len! What's wrong?" Llyr cried, though I barely could hear what he was saying. I couldn't focus on him. But even if I could, I couldn't get a word out. I wanted to speak, but it felt like my words were being squeezed from me as I continued retching. Llyr grabbed my shoulder, and on instinct I lashed out, shoving out as hard as I could while tripping over my own feet and falling to the sand.

   I didn't bother moving after I'd fallen, still spitting out bile. The nausea slightly receded once I finished vomiting, though that still didn't mean the rest of me wasn't in chaos. I gave in to the intense shuddering that wracked me.

   Llyr approached me with nothing but concern. "Len?" he asked quietly. He kneeled down in front of me, not touching me but looking at me with concern.

   "I-I'm so... sorry..." I gasped, grimacing with both guilt and pain as I weakly looked up at him. The fact I was becoming dusty with sand didn't matter to me, I was more focused on just how horrible I felt. The walls I'd put up had been broken down, and I couldn't stop myself from remaining a miserable heap on the beach.

   "You're fine, d-don't worry!" he reassured me. "But what's going on with you?"

   "I-I don't know..." I muttered, wanting to shake my head but knowing I'd regret it if I did. "But... I h-have to get back."

   Llyr looked confused. "What do you mean?"

   I didn't quite know myself. There was a knot of dread sitting in me, begging me to get off this beach and back to the cliff. But I was also incredibly confused. "Just... I just need t-to go back home."

   "Obviously! You're clearly sick, o-or something else," Llyr said. He put a hand to my forehead, his expression dropping when he did. "It feels like you have a fever." He hurried to pull out the extra water he had, waiting for me to be able to sit up. I could hardly bring myself to move, let alone sit up, but I forced myself to. My head spun violently, and I clutched at my head, yet again choking back nausea.

   "I-I can't drink, please n-no," I refused, clumsily pushing Llyr's hand away. "Can w-we just go back? P-please?"

   Llyr nodded quickly. "Of course we can! But can you walk? You don't look steady in the slightest."

   "In a minute or two..." I said, stopping to take in another shuddering breath. I didn't know how I could make myself make the walk all the way back home, but I'd have to do it. After all, I'd gotten myself into this situation by lying to Llyr, and it made me feel even worse. I'd completely ruined our date because of my stubbornness. "I-I'm sorry, Llyr..."

—~*~—

I wasn't able to get home until sunset, but I somehow managed to. I could hardly stand from how dizzy I was. I was all but forced into bed when Aedia saw me. I didn't protest, now having a layer of crushing exhaustion added onto everything.

   "Feel better soon, Len," Llyr said with a small smile, kissing me goodbye while Aedia rebuked him for doing that even though I was sick. She then ushered Llyr away so she could tend to me properly. Lissy had gone home by now, so it was myself and my sister.

   She was silent for a time, not looking at me until she paused, glancing up at me. "Just... Why, Len?" she asked, exasperated. "Why did you lie to me?"

   I was in a haze, hardly able to talk as I struggled to not groan in pain. "I-I couldn't let Llyr d-down," I stuttered out, wanting to explain more but not being able to. Of course, that warranted nothing but a disappointed look from my sister, and she didn't say anything else while she made me drink down a glass of water. She then placed a cool compress on my sweat-dampened forehead, a slight respite against the barrage.

   "You're not getting any medication until you eat something if you say you're that nauseous," she said plainly before leaving the room, leaving me in my misery and crushing guilt.

   I didn't know how long I laid there in a delirium of pain, swearing I was hearing Aedia or Llyr speaking to me despite neither of them being here. If I already thought I felt bad before, then that was a petty complaint. And all throughout this, I still felt the absolute agony of needing to drink. Not a want, a need, a need that was so strong that I couldn't take it anymore. Sleeping pills wouldn't do a thing against this, I needed to give in.

   Using what strength I could muster, I pushed myself to the edge of my bed, where I dug around beneath the bed until I grasped the neck of a bottle. It wasn't the full bottle I had, but it was something, I needed something!

   Once I pulled it out, I fumbled with the stopper before starting to choke the rum down. My stomach lurched in protest, but even though I felt as if I was drowning and wanting to be sick at the same time while I drank, I didn't stop until the bottle was empty. It tasted so damn good, like water from an oasis after being parched in the desert. I grasped the bottle with a shaking hand while I let the last few droplets fall onto my tongue, savoring each one.

   I did my best to hide the bottle before collapsing back onto my bed, still in pain but feeling slightly better. However, I couldn't sleep, not until Aedia returned with some soup. And as the light meal settled in me, I started to feel better. The nausea partially resided along with the headache. I didn't understand how this was possible since alcohol made me feel this way, but it was almost the opposite here.

   But one thing that was completely gone was the intense need to drink, instead replaced with the light fuzziness of a drunken stupor's beginnings. The main source of my pain was gone... only because I gave in and drank.

This confused me so much. How could something that usually made me feel awful actually relieve that this time? It didn't make any sense, they were working against each other. But even then, the fact that it was resolved by this in the first place made my blood chill.

   My head again began to spin the more I thought. The pieces were starting to fall into place, and I didn't like it at all. Had I been feeling this horrible because I hadn't drank the past two days? And if I did this again, would I feel the same way?

   A pit opened up in my stomach as it all made sense to me, and a new sense of dread washed over me, combined with anger. This was all because I was drinking, wasn't it? And I'd been too dense or ignorant to realize what I was getting myself into. Again, I'd done it again! I'd gotten myself into yet another awful situation. I wanted to scream, but all I could let out was a strangled cry that I smothered into my pillow. And the worst part was that I didn't know if or how I could fix it this time.