3 days left. 

It was a sunny Sunday and it made the world seem bright and cheerful, but my world was slowly crumbling around me.

The past month had been like a seriously sickening rollercoaster.

When I first found out about my remaining days it felt too unreal to be true. I made the to-do list and was so focused on completing it before dying. All the while I lost track of time and just did the things without thinking of it as something I had to do. It was something I wanted to do.

Now I was back with the feeling that death himself breathed me down my neck and told me to hurry up finishing my list before he would come.

I only had one last thing on it and still 3 days left to do it, maybe even more days?

I had been at a doctors appointment again today early morning, checking up on my coughing. My parents tried their best to cheer me up when the doctor told me it was a bad sign, but maybe a good sign that it only started now. Maybe I would live for a few days or even weeks longer, when I had had so little symptoms, they said.

But did I really only have a few symptoms, or did I just not tell the doctors everything?

The days since Jungkook's and my date at the restaurant, where I had coughed up blood I had felt significantly worse.

My body felt weak and fatigued all the time. My joints would ache at random times. I had had trouble breathing even just by walking to the kitchen and back to my room. I'd not eaten much as the feeling of nausea kept me from even trying. I had even coughed up more blood.

It felt like I needed to be hospitalized, but I didn't want to.

I didn't tell because the doctors had already confirmed I was going to die. Why would I make my parents even more worried by telling them all that? It would do no good and they would just forget to enjoy our time spent together.

The past few days I had spent more time with them than by myself. They'd visited me everyday. They'd brought me dinner every evening, I told them I would eat it later. We'd watched movies together, we'd played board games, we'd talked and looked at old photos of me as a baby. My grandparents had even moved into my parents house the past few days. They probably didn't want to sit helplessly back in Busan when they would get the call.

I really enjoyed the time with my family. It reminded me of when we lived back in Busan and my grandparents visited every week. It felt great to have them where I was.

I hadn't seen Jungkook since we kissed.

We'd called and texted, but the time needed with my family and his work had kept us apart.

The doctors let me go home this morning, just with a single agreement that I would call them if anything would happen. I'd also have to go for a checkup every morning from now on - to keep track on everything.

I was on my way to Jungkook's apartment, to ask him if he wanted to go see the cherry trees in person.

It was 12th of April and the cherry trees had just blossomed, making the parks the most beautiful place to be. I'd never really cared much for this, even though it seemed to be a big deal among others to go see them. But I felt like I was finally supposed to go there. I wanted to experience what everyone always talked about in the months leading up to spring.

I was planning to tell him what was going on, today. I finally caved in and abandoned my selfish wish of wanting to keep things as normal as possible. If I told the truth, maybe it would make the heavy burden in my heart disappear as I wouldn't worry about him not knowing. Maybe I'd feel more free.

I wished for myself not to withdraw. I had thought about wanting to tell him about my days left and stuff after we would've watched the trees. I was scared, but it only seemed fair. The past few days with my family made me realize that it just wasn't right of me to let Jungkook live without worries only for it to come falling on him all at once. The truth would hurt, but a lie would hurt for longer.

Today I would tell him.

I got out of the bus and walked a little down the street at a slow pace. I had to be careful of my weak lungs not to run out of air. I already felt my body grow tired.

I wore a lighter jacket than usual, being the sunbeams warmed the streets of Seoul pretty nicely.

Almost as I reached Jungkook's apartment complex, I looked up from the ground and found him walking towards me on the street.

"Jungkook." I called, grabbing his attention and waving.

Jungkook looked up from where his feet were walking and smiled as our eyes met, waving back.

"Hi." I said as we stopped in front of each other.

"Hi." Jungkook replied.

It was two days since we last saw each other. It felt quite awkward, yet not so awkward standing in front of him like this. Last time we saw each other, we kissed.

"What are you doing here?" Jungkook questioned and caressed the top of my head. It made my heart pound like crazy.

I looked him up and down before answering, "I was on my way to see you, are you going anywhere?" I asked, already feeling a bit disappointed. Maybe he was.

"Just the grocery store." He said, making me at ease and I almost let out a sigh of relief.

"Good." I smiled, "Do you want to hang today?" I questioned, shifting in my spot.

Why was I nervous to ask him to hang when I'd asked him hundreds of times before? Why was I getting shy, thinking about walking down the path surrounded by cherry trees with him, alone?

Jungkook didn't get to answer before I continued telling him about my plans, "I really want to go see the cherry trees blossom and then afterwards we could-"

"See the cherry trees?" Jungkook interrupted me, furrowing his brows.

"Yeah." I smiled but a hesitant feeling rushed over me.

Doesn't he want to?

"Since when do you want to see those?" He laughed, looking at me as if I was totally alien to him.

My smile faded slightly at his mocking tone, but really I couldn't blame him. I had never been interested in flowers and he knew that. He bought me flowers once, to which I of course thanked him, but told him I'd rather have chocolate in the future... or something that at least not would die. Flowers wither, some only after a few days, and somehow I never liked that.

Ironically enough, I was like those flowers myself.

I was about to answer, when he got ahead of me, "Why do you suddenly have so many things you want to do?" He said with something that almost sounded like a scoff.

He was probably just curious, but it sounded like an accusation.

He said it with a tone as if he found me ridiculous.

"Jungkook come on." I said, forcing a chuckle to seem as if he didn't just hurt me a bit. Maybe it was on accident it came out like that?

"The cherry trees only blossom once a year, and I've heard it's the prettiest pink-"

"You're being serious really?" He interrupted me again, again a faint mocking sound in his voice.

"Jungkook, let me speak." I spoke, trying not to raise my voice.

"It's just, wow. Lately you've been acting so weird. You wanted to get a tattoo, then you wanted to dye your hair, then we went to a fucking art museum, we even kissed and now you want to go look at flowers? You never even liked flowers?" He mumbled, as if he was trying to figure out what his own point was, "You're being so weird. I'll admit, it's been hella fun, but it feels like I don't know you? What are you keeping from me? What's going-"

"Jungkook stop!" I raised my voice.

My eyes were squeezed shut, my nails digging into my palms as I tried making it hurt elsewhere but in my chest.

I drew a deep breath, trying to hide the rage and hurt behind my eyes as I opened them and met his.

Jungkook looked away from me, ruffling his hair before looking back with a worried expression.

"Sorry." He sighed, letting his shoulders fall and take a step towards me.

I took a step back to keep our distance.

Maybe it was because I was angry at him and hurt after hearing how weird and ridiculous he had  thought that I had been. Maybe it was because I felt displeased with myself.

It was very sudden that I had started wanting to do such things. I had never cared for art or flowers. I'd told Jungkook that I would never get a tattoo. I had never cared for expensive food. Why did I now?

I inhaled deeply, trying to contain my feelings and collect myself while I relaxed my shoulders.

"So, will you?" I asked again, hoping for him to say yes.

Fuck if I never cared for flowers. I cared about finishing the last thing of my to do list - and I cared about spending time with Jungkook.

Jungkook cocked his head at me as if I was crazy. He thought I was crazy. His eyes, they told me.

He shook his head quickly before answering, "I have plans with Tae and Jimin."

I caught the words in my mouth that was burning to get out, preventing myself from saying something I would regret. I kept back my tears.

"You could've told me from the start." I let out.

Jungkook didn't reply, but just looked at me. It wasn't even an apologetic expression on his face.

"I'll just go see the cherry blossoms myself then." I said, sounding accusatory and not minding it. I shifted in my spot, ready to leave.

"We can hang another day." Jungkook said, shrugging as if it was that easy - as if we just could hang another day.

"Sure yeah, let's hang another day." I said, trying to form a genuine smile but it was most likely visible that it was forced.

I turned around and left before he got to say anything else. It pained inside me. My heart ached. I wasn't really angry at him. It wasn't his fault for having plans. But I was disappointed, distressed and most of all hurt.

What did he mean by what he had said?

Did he really think I was being weird?

Then why was he agreeing to do everything with me?

By the time I reached the bus stop, I was out of breath, my body feeling like it would collapse every second by now. The bus luckily arrived shortly after and I could fall back onto a chair, resting my legs and neck against the back.

I strolled in slow and sloppy steps down the gravel path covered by pretty pink petals. The trees had blossomed earlier than what I had expected and heard about and the crown of the trees were already starting to lose their flowers. That didn't mean much though as it was still a pretty sight.

But, it felt meaningless being here now. Jungkook was right, I didn't care about flowers. They were pretty, but nothing but that. They were already withering. Flower petals landed on me every now and then.

I looked up from the ground, observing the couples, friends and families walking the opposite way of me. The sun was still shining brightly making the pink flowers glint in the sun rays. It was such a romantic place. Too romantic to even be here alone. 

I watched as a couple sat on a bench, cuddling and seeming to have a lovely afternoon. I watched the families' smiles as I passed by them. I watched them and envied them.

This was nothing special without Jungkook.

I missed him.

I didn't stay there for long.

It was unbearable to be there alone and nothing as exciting as I had thought. It was suffocating to be around people and nature, knowing I'd leave soon without given the opportunity to stay.

So I went home.

I felt a discomfort as well. It was like my heart hadn't stopped pounding since I got home. I felt like something was blocking my airways, even though nothing came up when I coughed. Not even blood this time. I felt lightheaded and my body felt weaker than ever. Maybe it was the long walk. Maybe it was the worry of Jungkook's and my little quarrel. Maybe it was the fear of tomorrow.

Whatever it was, it all came crashing down upon me and I couldn't handle it anymore.

AN:
Y'all prepare yourselves.

<3