"Blonde hair, brown hair, tall, short, blue, green or brown eyes, this is a lot!

CMV? What the hell is that?! Ugh!  Okay, let's narrow it down... I have blonde hair, so let's choose blonde.  Okay and hazel eyes.. let's go with above six fe- Wait a minute." I stop talking to myself and think realistically.

"I'm the one birthing this baby.  Okay let's go with an average height guy.  That sounds great!"

Choosing a donor has to be one of THE most stressful things I have ever done.  I mean I am choosing my baby's father!  Well not father, but the other half of my baby.  What if he or she looks just like him?  What if he's an absolute troll?!

Yes, looks aren't everything buuuut... Let's purchase the lifetime photos so we can check this guy out!

After several hours and money spend on many many donor profiles, scrounging the internet for codes so I don't have to pay $250 every time I want to see a photo, and hundreds of profiles and listening to interviews and reading their medical history of their entire family, I have finally decided on a donor!

"Donor number 5557, YOU are my future baby daddy!" I smile to his beautiful picture on my computer screen.  He is someone I would totally hang out with in real life.

He hikes, he writes children's books, he has a killer smile, and beautiful curly dark blonde hair.  He was a good sized baby but not too big!  AND he loves dogs!  I mean I couldn't have chosen better, really.  He is perfection!

***

I'm sitting across from my mother as we have our weekly lunch/deep talk at Panera.

It's where I told her I bought tickets to see my favorite actress on Broadway, where I cry about how stressful my life is, and where I told her I was officially going to become a mom.  Today I am telling her I picked a donor and will be seeing a fertility specialist next week for a consultation.

"Mom, I bought sperm!" I blurt out loudly in front of the cute elderly couple at the next table.

My mother looks to the couple with wide eyes before looking back at me.

"Well congratulations.   What's his name?"

"Donor number 5557.. they don't give out names, Ma."

"Oh right.  Is he cute?  Is he weird?  Is he tall?"

"Yes.  I didn't get that vibe, and 5"10."

"Wow.  So this is happening?  Are you nervous?"

"Not at all.  I'm ready!"

"Well good!  You know I'm happy for you, I just don't want you getting upset if it doesn't work the first time."

"I know but I'm prepared for that.  Odds are against me.  It's only a twenty percent chance it'll work.  I've prepared myself for a negative test."

"Alright."

Mom still seems unsure, but I've totally got this!  I have crippling anxiety and have been on medication for it for the last few months.  I was always against antidepressants, and thought therapy was just a waste of time, but if I want to be a great mother, I have to take care of myself first.  And that starts with my mind... then my lungs because my asthma is a bitch.

I've been a lot happier lately, and in all honesty I think a big part is because I'm moving forward with the whole baby thing.  I know a lot of my unhappiness comes from not having that little person in my life.  And maybe when I have him or her here I can get off those meds.. right?  Well I hope so anyway.

After discussing my donor, I ask about my dad.

My Dad has stage four cancer.. another reason I want to get on the ball with this.  Not that I think anything is going to happen to him, but.. Nothing will happen to him, he'll be okay!  I just want my baby to know my family.

They will never know my Grandpa.. the greatest person in the world.  And that breaks my heart because my grandpa would have loved them and he would have been so proud of me for going at this on my own.

I'm all over the place, but what I'm trying to say is that I don't want to wait another five years.  I want my baby here so they can see and feel the love of our amazing family Now.

.. The last couple of years have been very hard on my family.  And we need some happiness in our lives.

This baby.. they mean so much to me already.

It's hard to even put it into words.. I just know that they'll make everything brighter.

There will still be struggles.  The baby won't make everything disappear, I know that.  But you guys!  I'll be a mom.  A Mom!  The ones closest to me know that's all I've wanted for years now.

And now it's time.