I Kinda Forgot To Mention That In 4th Grade I Got Locked In My Classroom When It Was My Turn To Clean The Classroom For Half An Hour -

And , Uuuh ... I Think The Events Of 4th Grade Was Supposed To Be In 3rd Grade ... Yeah ... Yeah , " Chapter 4 : Grade 3 " Was Supposed To Be " Chapter 5 : Grade 4 " -

Anyway ... Uh ... 5th Grade Was ... Shitty .

5th Grade Was When My " Bestie For Life " Ask For Money Because She Was " Poor And If She Doesn ' t Eat She ' ll Starve " And That She Disliked / Was Getting Bored Of Her Packed Lunch . Like , Ask The Teacher For Money Instead , Why Are You Asking Me For Money ?! She ' s Manipulative And Control Freak Bitch Who Guilt Tripped Me Into Giving Her Money . And Like , I Once Gave Her 3$ , And 1$ Is Already A Lot !! 1$ In Indonesia Is Like ... 15.000 RUPIAH !!! I SACRIFICED MY MONEY AND MY PARENTS MONEY THAT THEY WORKED SO HARD TO GET FOR HER . I . FUCKING . HATE . THAT . BITCH . I ' D RATHER FUCKING DIE THAN BE WITH HER .

...

Yet I Stayed . And Then , Uhm .....

TW : SA
( Skip Until You See " SKIP TO HERE " )

And Then This Was When I First Experienced Being Groped .

I Was Taking A Test For The First Semester , And The Test Was In The Class Where 6th Graders Are , Meanwhile My Class , The Class For 5th Graders , Was Empty . I Was One Of The First Ones To Finish The Test . My Bully Walked Towards Me And Told Me To Come With Her To Our Classroom , The One That ' s Empty . As The Young Gullible And Naive Kid I Was , I Followed Her To The Classroom , A Bit Scared Of What She ' ll Do To Me If I Don ' t Listen . Then , When The Cost Was Clear , She Cup My Breasts And Squeezed Them With Her Hands .

I Was Shocked . I Just Looked At Her With Wide Eyes , Frozen In Place . It Felt Like I Couldn ' t Move . Then After A Few Seconds Or What Felt Like Years Of Her Squeezing My Breasts , She Let Go And I Just Looked At Her . She Laughed And Walked Out Of The Classroom . I Hug Myself And Look Outside The Classroom . Someone Was Watching , But He Just Laughed And Walked Away . I Stayed In The Classroom For A Few Minutes .

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Damn . After Getting Touched , It Just Rubbing Salt In The Wound , Because I Was Hypersexual Ever Since 3rd Grade / 4th Grade . Like , I Literally Explored My Body And Started Masturbating Once Or More A Week Ever Since I Was 8 Or 9 . I Kept It A Secret From Anybody . My Classmates Were Dirty Minded Ever Since 2nd Or 1st Grade , And They Would Say Dirty Jokes While I Was Still Innocent And Didn ' t Understand The Jokes Before 3rd Or 4th Grade . I Don ' t Know If That Means I ' m Hypersexual Or Not , Idk .

And Then I Masturbated More After The SA And Started Getting Even More Dirty Minded And Depressed . I Was Falling Into Depression , Everything Was Starting To Look Gloomy And I Started Slowly Go Numb As Time Goes By . I Didn ' t Want To Be Touched , But I Also Wanted To Be Touched . I Wanted To Die , But I Also Wanted To Continue Living . I Wanted To Forget What Happened , But What Happened Also ... Kind Of Felt Nice ... Like , I Can Get Used To Being Touched Without My Consent ... Urgh , I Didn ' t Understand Wtf I Was Feeling Back Then . But , What I Do 100% Know Back Then Was That I Felt Numb . Numb As Fuck . Masturbating Only Gave Me Pleasure But I ' ll Come Back To Feeling Numb . Banging My Head Makes Me Feel Pain And Tears Form , But I Still Feel Numb . Cutting Myself .... I Was Scared To Cut Myself .

TW : Suicidal Thoughts

I Thought About Ending It All In Various Ways . Walking Into The Middle Of A Busy Road , Drowning , Hanging , Stabbing Myself , Starvation , Burned , Poisoned , Etcetera . I Nearly Walked Into A River To Drown Myself Or Suffocating Myself With A Rope I Found . Everytime I Held A Knife , I Have The Strong Urge To Stab Myself In The Stomach Or The Neck Or Cut Myself On The Wrists .

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TW : SA , Again .

And Then I Got SA ' d Again . Idk If Having Something Get Shoved Up Your Butt Is SA Through Penetration Or Something , Idk .

I Was Just Doing Prayer And Then I Felt Something Behind Me . I Looked Behind Me And Just Saw My Classmates Laughing . I Didn ' t Think About It And Looked Away , Thinking I Was Just Imagining It . Then I Felt It Again , But It Felt Something Get Shoved Into Me And I Turned Around , Seeing My Classmates Laughing Again . This Kept Happening Until The Prayer Was Done And I Was The First One To Stood Up . I Didn ' t Want To Sit Down Anymore .

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Hahahahaha ... I Was Suicidal As Fuck , Depressed As Shit , Numb To The Core , And Hypersexual / Dirty Minded As FUCK . I Didn ' t Want To Get Touched , But I ' d Just Get Told That I Was Overreacting / Weak , So I Just Let Everybody Touch Me Even Though I Don ' t Want To Be Touched .

One Of The Things That ' s Distracting Me From Everything That Time Was Wattpad , But ... It Felt Empty Back Then . Like , Not That Much Notifs As Last Time . I Remember Always Getting More Than 100 Or Even 400 Replies And Stuff , But All The Notifs I Got Back Then Were Just 10-30 Or Lower Or Whatever Idk .

About The SA's ... I ' ve Reported What Had Happened , But Nothing Changed .

Nothing Fucking Changed .

When I Reported What Had Happened In The Classroom , I Was Just Laughed At And Got Told " Kids Will Be Kids " Or " But She ' s A Girl " .

I Experienced COCSA ( Child On Child Sexual Abuse ) And People Just Laughed At Me .

Ugh ... I Hate 5th - 6th Grade