As I sit here and listen to my boss talk to her kids and wondering what it must be like to have a therapist for a mom, I am reminded that I haven't checked in lately.

Since my last check-in, I've had an added diagnosis of ADHD. Nothing in my childhood pointed to this (as far as I remember) but as an adult, I've had a lot of pointers. From not being able to sit still and read for five minutes, to losing interest in video games after a few minutes, to switching between activities every few minutes or so, to not completing tasks at work - it all added up to me having adult ADHD. 

So I've been learning little by little how to combat the symptoms - both with meds and by restructuring my way of operating. Ten books in, several dozen video game hours, a clean room, and many tasks later, I think I'm beginning to get a handle on things. 

That's  not to say everything is running smoothly for me, though. I'm slowly getting over some PTSD that's tied to the reason I started on this road in the first place. I mean, losing a parent is very traumatic in and of itself, but I didn't just lose my dad - I watched him slowly die of cancer, a little every day. 

I was right there when he was doing his chemo and personally flushed his port after removing his take home chemo. I was the one to give him insulin shots and felt his arm grow skinnier and skinnier. I was right there every time he went to the ER. It happened so much I was practically on a first name basis with the on-call doctors. I was at home alone with my mother as we worried if the doctors were treating him okay because we couldn't stay with him during the pandemic. 

I was right there when his liver failed and I don't think I can describe fully what that smells like. There's a constant odor that's somewhere between urine and ammonia. I was there as his kidneys failed and he filled with fluid. I was the one lowering his bed when he slipped into a coma. I was there the night he woke up and called for help, knowing that all I could do at that point was comfort him with medication because he would be dead soon. I was the one that went into the living room and checked to see if he was still breathing - which he wasn't. 

There's a lot of trauma I hold from that year. I can't really describe the emotional rollercoaster that I went through. It's harder than it sounds, than I thought it would be to process. Especially when you start having nightmares about finding your father dead a few months later when it's finally beginning to dawn on you that he's not there and won't ever be again. Or when you hear the music that was playing the night before he passed away when he was calling for help and you can't function because you start having flashbacks of everything and sob uncontrollably. 

The trauma and stress that you undergo when you lose someone to cancer is different for each person. This is just my journey through it, as well as the aftermath. 

Through the years, though, I have experienced situations that many would see as traumatic, and I didn't make it through everything without a scratch. I have battle scars just like everyone else. They're just buried a few layers under the surface. 

I've got PTSD from those events, and my childhood, but I don't think that it means I'm forever going to be troubled by those things. I have managed to work past most of it and I know I'm going to be okay. It's just a matter of time. I can listen to that song again without feeling those things. I don't burst into tears anymore. My thoughts don't turn toward the dour when I hear it, either. I managed to change my thought patterns so that I think of happy things. 

This year, I'm thankful that I have people that support me in my journey. I'm thankful that I have a lot of people who love me and want me to be happy and be okay. I'm surrounded by people that I consider family. Even ones that I'm not as close to, I've been telling them about my mental health and spreading awareness. If I can help even one person, then I'm happy. 

To whoever needed to read this, or any of these parts, I'm so glad you found me and feel free to reach out to me on my socials if you need a listening ear.