I feel so... Suffocated. I'm losing myself.

I'm losing interest in the things I love to do, I'm losing interest in talking to people, I'm losing interest in eating, I'm losing my focus in school, I'm losing my interest in my favorite classes, I'm losing any hope of passing classes. I'm losing everything and I don't know what to do.

I can't stand hearing his voice or seeing him and that's making everything worse. I wish he weren't in this house anymore but he won't leave...

I feel so anxious all the time, unable to control anything or focus on anything. I'm so tired all the time that I can't focus in or out of school. Everything feels so strange and I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know where I went wrong and how I lost myself but I can't find me and it hurts.

It hurts to breathe, it hurts to be awake, it hurts to be around him, it hurts to be at school, it hurts to be at home. I feel alone, unable to find the spot that finds me the most comfort, I can't stand it and I just want to cry.

I was okay for so long but this year, God this year is the worst I've ever felt. I can't do anything right, my grades are falling, I can't focus, and I'm losing everything. I'm losing Papa, I'm losing Jackie, I'm losing myself, I'm losing interest, I'm just losing. I can't run past anyone to the finish line, I'm slowing and falling behind, being left to watch everyone win and run past me. I want someone to lag behind and catch up but everyone is running ahead together, beaming proudly and excitedly and I'm losing sight of them. I just wish I could catch up and feel like I'm there but I'm not and I never will be.

I just feel so alone, so empty, so numb. 

I feel everything and nothing all at once...