I was growing tired of thinking about it, but my brain didn’t want to stop. I probably looked like an emo, since I was sitting alone on the gazebo, fiddling with the edges of my bandages. It was a peaceful spot since I had a good view of the sunset, especially that I missed the sunrise this morning thanks to a special someone.

I’m thinking about Hoya. Or Howon. Back then, I always thought that when I finally found Ruyeon, I’ll be happy. But now, why am I like this? Frowning? Probably because I know he already recognized me, but he seemed like he wanted to hide who he really was. Like he wanted to remove his memory of us being friends in childhood.

“Yo Yuan!” Dongwoo yelled, and he had that wide grin of his. “Come with us to the playground. We thought we should have some real fun before we leave tomorrow.”

“I don’t know… I was just there this morning and…”

“I know,” his face turned serious as he glanced at my hands. “We all know. Sungyeol is a very trusty source of news. Don’t worry, we’ll keep you away from the swings. Let’s go.” He continued staring at me with a serious face, and he looked like he will keep doing that unless I go to him, so I had no choice. He offered to carry me but I refused, since the pain on my knees was endurable. The rest of the boys were already at the playground, and Dongwoo informed me that Emmi was back at the camp helping in preparing our dinner. Hoya was at the playground too. Or Howon. Or Ruyeon. I don’t really know what to call him now, but I guess I’ll stick to Hoya until I have a one-on-one talk with him.

I took a seat on a bench and just watched the boys run around like kids. Sunggyu, Myungsoo and Hoya were just walking around calmly, trying to remind the others to keep their dignity. When Dongwoo rode a spring pony, I realized that they were the men I hid from in the playground the day before I spilled coffee on Myungsoo in the shop. I guess fate brought us together in that way. (that one is from Chapter 2)

“Yuan, wanna play hide and seek?” Sungyeol almost gave me a heart attack when he jumped behind me. My face twisted into a grimace. Before I could say no and remind him why, Woohyun jumped to Sungyeol’s side and nudged him. At first, he was confused, but then figured it out and apologized. They ran away and started playing with Sungjong as the “it.” Poor maknae, always bullied by the hyungs. After a while, they were already having too much fun that they looked like they forgot about my existence. I was totally okay with that. At least I could continue my peaceful reminiscing.

“Emo much?” I rolled my eyes at Myungsoo. Seriously? Can’t I have even just a 5-minute- long moment of peace? He sat beside me without any warning. He even carelessly pushed me so that he’ll be comfortably sat. I wanted to push him off but since my hands weren’t in their best condition, never mind.

“What do you want from me this time?” I asked in monotone, and he chuckled brightly as if to mock me.

“I just wanted to know how your hands are doing.” He smiled innocently.

“Oh yeah, they’re itching to punch you right now.”

“Really? Then I better get some itch cream!” he pretended to stand up and too bad for him, I lost control of my hand and accidentally slapped his head.

“OWW!! What the hell?”

“My hand says it’s okay. Don’t bother yourself.” It was my turn to smile innocently. Myungsoo rolled his eyes. At the corner of my eye, I saw Hoya jogging to somewhere, and all the disturbing thoughts crossed my mind again. What if he actually had a reason to not want to reveal his true identity? Even though that only about 5% chance, at least there’s still some possibility.

“Do you guys know some… things about Hoya’s childhood?” Myungsoo looked weirded out by my sudden seriousness, but he answered seriously anyway.

“Well, there’s just one thing. He lost a best friend.” I just nodded. He raised an eyebrow. “What’s up with calling him Hoya now? You’ve called him by his real name ever since you first knew about us.”

“What’s the big deal about that?” I thought it would be more of a big deal if I called him Ruyeon.

“I dunno,” he shrugged. “Maybe because those people that he allows to call him Howon is the people really close to him.”

“But you guys only call him Hoya?”

“That means you’re more close to him than us.” My breath hitched up my throat. “I don’t really understand how that came to be when he’s known us for many years and you, only for a few months. He treats you like a …sister.”

He sounded unsure at the last word. His shoulders moved up as if he was going to ask me something, but then dropped it and looked away. For a minute, none of us talked as we watched the other boys run around the playground. I couldn’t see Hoya anywhere anymore. Maybe he’s just hiding somewhere. I also started to wonder why Myungsoo wasn’t playing with them and preferred talking to me. I’m not even that fun to talk to.

“Do you like Hoya?”

His question caught me off guard. “Well, how can you say if you like a person?”

He thought deeply for a while before looking back at me. “You’re different from your usual self when you’re with him. When he’s not around, you always wonder where he is. Your heart flutters when near him. No matter how childish or annoying he acts, you can’t bring yourself to hate him for a long time.”

My brain tied into knots. I stared at Myungsoo as I tried to comprehend what I just realized. If all those things that he said are true, then I might have uncovered a crazy fact. I think I like a boy.  All of those apply to him. I think I like—

“Yuan?” my thoughts were cut off as Myungsoo waved a hand in front of my face. I blinked several times and averted my eyes to a random tree. I took in a huge gush of air to calm myself.

While my brain was drifting a thousand miles away, Myungsoo asked something like “do you like someone” or something like that.

“I think so…,” I mumbled. I didn’t clearly hear his question, but only one person appeared in my mind when he said “someone.” I couldn’t believe those cliché things really happen. That moment, I could only think about “him”, and nothing else. It sounds stupid, but it actually happened.

“Oh,” he sounded disappointed. Finally, my brain stopped flying around and I snapped back to my proper thinking.

“Why did you ask if I like Hoya?”

“I was just curious,” he mumbled. Sunggyu suddenly announced that it’s time to go back to camp. It was almost dark and the sunset looked so pretty from my sitting spot that I almost wanted to be left behind to watch it in peace.

Myungsoo stood up. “What? You’re gonna stay here ‘til dark?” I wanted to retort a yes, but thought twice and just followed. There are a lot of chances to see the sunrise and sunset anyway, lest I die early. Knock knock on wood. The boys still had hangovers of their little fun that they were skipping as we walked. I, on the other hand, paced slowly as I wasn’t in the mood to be energetic. A lot of things were stirring in my head.

When I was abruptly pulled behind a tree, it was weird that I even did not have energy to scream. Turned out it was Hoya that pulled me.

“Yuan, go back to this playground tomorrow morning at six. I want to talk to you alone.”

“Why not now?” I whined.

“They’ll notice that we’re gone. I just don’t want anyone to interrupt us when I tell you everything.”

I sternly looked into his eyes but he kept on looking everywhere. He was awkward. “Okay. Fine. Six o’clock sharp.” He softly smiled and nodded, then jogged to catch up with the others.

I think I know what that “everything” will be about.

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