Prompt: Someone pranks Izuku into thinking he has a kid.This is #cursed.

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You would think that, as someone who is obsessed with technology, I would just order what I want online, right? What's the point of going shopping when I can just order it and move on with my day?

Well, I happen to like shopping at malls! I can get what I want and more, and Shouta can't check my orders and cancel them because I would have already gotten them!

And everyone knows that Shouta is too lazy to return shit, so he just lets me keep it...after taking it away for a bit, of course, but I get it back eventually. It works out rather well!

So yeah, I'm at the mall looking for...

Shit, what am I here for?

Oh yeah, I needed to get tailored suit. Nezu's abomination got ruined with my dumbassery, so I have to go in and get it replicated. Replicated! Ain't that embarrassing? Hopefully, they don't realize it's practically a Nezu cosplay.

As I am heading there, I get interrupted by a feminine voice, "Hey, Izuku!"

I turn around to find a girl that looks about my age, possibly older, with a toddler on her hip approaching. Oh boy. Did I offend someone else with my vulgar language? Unless I know her??? I don't recognize her.

"Hi! Can I help you?" I ask as I approach her. She has a child. I ain't going to make her walk all the way.

She tilts her head, "You don't recognize me?" Okay, so I am supposed to recognize her. Fucking great.

"Yeah, no."

"I guess that's expected. We were both a bit tipsy," She explains with a giggle, "It took me so long to find you!"

How am I supposed to respond to that? Apparently, she's from my alcoholic days. That's not good at all!

"Oh? And why were you looking for me?" I don't want to know considering who knows what I did back then.

"I wanted you to meet our son Nise!" She exclaims out of nowhere, "Nise, this is your father, Izuku."

The boy waves at me with a hesitant smile, "Hi!"

I barely compute it because what?

Looking at the boy, he looks nothing like me. He has black hair and eyes and honestly looks closer to Shouta than me if more happy with his life. I literally hold no resemblence.

I'm also asexual. Why in the fuck would I fuck while drunk?

I raise my hand, struggling to put my words together, "Um, not to be that guy, but are you sure it was me? I'm asexual??? I don't like dick or pussy. I like my vegetables."

She nods, clearly unaffected by my mood, "Uh-huh! I can recognize those green eyes from anywhere!"

"And...it took you this long to find me?"

"What can I say? You're super fast at moving around!"

I click my tongue, "Can you give me a moment?"

She gives me a confused look, "Sure? We'll wait right here for you!"

I immediately walk away before she can finish her sentence with my phone at hand.

Now, don't get me wrong: I don't mind having a son. I have Eri, and I love her. I mind the sex that would have to be involved to get said son because, despite the jokes I make, is pretty disgusting. Does that mean that I am not a virgin? That I am stained?

I call the one rational person in my life.

"Izuku, where are you? You're supposed to-" Shouta's dusty-ass voice crackles through.

I interrupt him, "Not the time, Shouta. This is important."

"What?" I don't think he is taking this seriously. He sounds as bored as before. I understand that I mess with him a lot, but damn.

"While I was drunk off my ass, have I ever approached you looking like I just had sex?" It takes Shouta nearly a minute to answer, probably reconsidering his life choice of adopting me as his little brother.

"...no. I don't want to ask, but what is going on?"

"I had a lady come up to me in the mall and claim that I'm the father on her son."

"I can't believe- Izuku, do you remember having sex?"

"No, but I also don't remember being arrested. Do you see my hesitance?"

"Look, I deny you have a son. You would know if you had sex based on how you were feeling."

"Unless I drank it away!"

"At that point, I sadly would have heard about it."

"Sir, I did not share everything with you-" There's a loud sigh.

"You told me about how you accidently met your ex-best friend's mom at the strip club while she was dancing to Fergie's Milkshake."

"...okay, so maybe I don't have a filter." You learn something new everyday???

"You don't. Now straighten things up and get back here. With coffee for making me suffer this conversation."

When I hear the line beep, I look to find that Shouta has hung up on me! So fucking rude!

I don't know if that conversation actually accomplished anything, but we're about to see!

I return to the girl and her son and-

Hold up, what is Nemuri doing here? Why is she laughing? Why does she know these people?

I hate this situation already.

As soon as I am close, Nemuri looks at me before bursting out harder in laughter, "GOT YOU!"

"Huh?" I question.

The girl offers me a smile, "It was a prank. I apologize. I didn't mean to freak you out. This is actually my little brother, and I have never drank."

WHAT THE FUCK?! WHO PULLS THROUGH WITH A PRANK LIKE THIS UNLESS THERE'S SOMETHING FOR HER?!

I step back in trauma, "Oh my fucking gosh, how much did this dumb hoe pay you to do this?" Nemuri laughs louder despite the offended 'hey' coming from her.

"She's paying me the amount I earn in a years salary so..." This poor girl explains.

I look at Nemuri, "I get you're rich, but you're the reason why they say rich people are stupid," And then I look back at the girl, "Treat yourself to something nice please. This has been a traumatizing experience. Good bye."

I walk away from that mess, and I hear Nemuri's heels clack behind me, "Izu, wait up!"

"You can wait on Nezu deciding when to let you back in!"

The sad part is that I'm not even questioning how she found me or how she got someone to do that for her! I'm questioning why she did it in the first place! She really did something there!

And now I'm concerned that I am a baby daddy to some baby somewhere! Thanks, Nemuri!

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Y'all can't say that Nemuri wouldn't do this. She would.This has probably been the most cursed thing I have ever written. Ever. Maybe the most traumatizing thing too.To the person who requested this, I hope you're happy. I spent time writing this. This is about 1k words for perspective.Fun Fact of the chapter: Nise means Fake in Japanese Google Translate.