Previously in 'My Fucking Life'!

"Knew you would follow me. I already know of your true form, so stop wasting time and switch, Yagi."

Okay, maybe that isn't the best way to start a conversation because the skeleton in front of me is coughing up blood.

Ew.

Now back to reality!

---

Something tells me I should be helping All Might's depression form. Whether it be the blood coming out of his mouth or how underweight he is, I don't know. If I saw this man on the street, I would have thought he was a homeless drug addict addicted to every drug possible you can come across because he looks like shit.

Either way, we don't need the Symbol of Peace dying on us. I don't even know how to explain that: Oh yeah, he died because depression and blood took over his entire being, and I wasn't involved in killing him. That won't pan out well.

Taking a deep breath, I attempt to be friendly," Sir, do I need to call 911? You look like you're dying, and I don't want another death on my record when I didn't cause it for once."

What? I said attempt. Apparently, the attempt was trash because he's coughing up more blood. Fuck me.

"I-I'm fine! This is normal!" All Might/Yagi tries to inform me.

"Dumbass, I have a Ph.D. in the medical field along with other shit; That isn't normal unless you're a woman, and even then, you're in the wrong place. Try again." He looks at me with shock. Has nobody ever spoken to him in this manner? It takes a moment for him to recover.

"It's from an injury five years ago..."

"I forgot about that. I won't say what it is because I don't want you to freak it out, but I will say I know the cover-up. It destroyed a good bit of your organs, though, yes?"

"How do you know so much?" Yagi observes me. He may look stupid, but he is smart. I think.

"I am Virus! I hack shit for a living! What do you expect? That's why I know that Japan is trying to get rid of Trump, not that I blame them, but still!"

"Why are you talking to me? Aren't you risking your chances of running?"

"That isn't such a big deal. If they catch me, I can break out within three days. However, being the number one hero and the 'Symbol of Peace,' I believe what I have to discuss with you is more vital." As I go on with whatever bullshit I am talking, I pull out my phone and set up what I call the 'media force field.' It screws with electronics within 50 feet (15.24 meters) of me. It's rather useful when you're consistently toying with the law.

"Alright?"

"Since it seems like you're listening to nobody or nobody is telling you, I'm hoping you will listen to your friendly neighborhood vigilante. You need to lighten up your workload before you get yourself killed." Yes, I can attempt to care about people, but there is more to it.

"I'm willing to make that sacrifice when it comes to protecting the people." Have I talked about how heroes are too self-sacrificing?

"Let's word it like this: the country is relying on you too much. You are like a huge pillar supporting this island. There are other pillars around, but they aren't much help when it comes to holding the island. The moment you fall, the island is going to land on them and crush them. Ease off of hero work. I don't know what your plans are, but you need to back off and let the other heroes start taking over. Get them used to it. Baby steps. If you were to fall tomorrow, the country would be in shambles." This whole time, I'm animating it with my hands to make it as dramatic as possible. It takes a couple of minutes for Yagi to process it.

Eventually, he breaks the silence, " Am I ruining the next generation by being a Symbol of Peace?"

"The Symbol of Peace model was supposed to be a temporary model. It was there to give everybody a chance to clean up. It's just a failure to come up with a good system to take over. Interesting how human nature works, huh? We always learn to rely upon, but most don't fight for freedom. We are some lazy bitches." The last statement gets him to cough up some more blood, but he settles down quickly.

"Noone's ever explained it to me like that, Young Virus. Most always said to stay healthy so that I can stay on the field as long as possible. There are some compassionate people here and there, but most are like that. Why are you telling me this?" I have to stop myself from laughing at the 'Young Virus' part.

"As much as I like drama, I rather not see Japan crumble to something so simplistic. I want a nuclear war. Might as well go all out!" How much blood can a man cough up?

"Anything else?"

"I mean, I could tell you how you are putting the uses of your power to fucking shame because there are so many ways to use - " Suddenly, my phone goes off. I guess someone wanted pity on Yagi. I answer, " What's shaking, hot stuff?"

"Don't ever call me that again unless you want to be steamed."

"Burn me, daddy," I purr as I walk away from Yagi, completely ignoring the man's commands to come back. Like, bitch, I have shit to do! I can lose him easily anyway.

"There is something wrong with you."

"Yeah, I'm horny. What did you call me for?"

"You're fucking asexual. Anyway, your favorite man is coming within an hour." I start running at the sound of that.

"COLONEL SANDERS?! I AM ON MY WAY! OFFER HIM THE WHOLE FUCKING STORE WITH MY BODY!"

"No, you dumbass. You rarely even eat there. It's Eraserhead." I slow down tremendously.

"Fuck me, Bambi's mother. How did he call for me?"

"Izuku." Fuck. If he's calling me by my actual name, he is salty about something.

"Um, tell him I have a client to fuck within an hour."

"You tried that excuse before, and it failed on you. Get it over with, you pussy."

"Fuuuuuuuuuck. Fine. Later." I hang up, not caring for the response. I will explain who the man is when we meet along with the man I was talking about.

I have to keep surprises, you know? Now, I deny you want to be here for the whole walk.

Time skip, bitches!

---

Alright, we are at the location: Walmart. More specifically, my Walmart!

Yes, you read that right. I own a Walmart! See what I mean by having too much free time? Don't go saying that I'm an idiot killing myself because life is doing that for me. The Walmart is a cover-up for the Mafia that is underneath the store.

Obviously, I can't walk in the store and be like, 'Hi! Yeah, I'm totally not that kid who stopped a villain attack while the other heroes sat around like they were waiting to get fuck.'

Wouldn't work out so hot.

I walk in around the back, make sure none of my workers are nearby; then, I move a trashcan and jump down a hole into the large opening of the Mafia location! We have plenty down here, ranging from training grounds to homing to freaking food! Oh, and you will never be alone because we have over 50 people here! That doesn't include the other bitches outside of here. They aren't always here, but there is still someone here.

Are they forced here by their lives? Of course! But hey, we pay them something for them! They just can never back out!

Anyway, back to reality!

"Izu-kun!" A female voice screeches. The moment I land, I get tackled to the ground, and I feel a knife to my neck. Perfectly normal.

"God damn, let me up, you bimbo!"

"Nope! You did something stupid! Mom will be down on you in a moment."

"I had it under control. We all knew I was going to do it!"

A cocky male voice breaks the argument, " You could attempt this thing called self-control."

"I mean, I could. I just won't."

"Dumbass." I look up, seeing blondie vampire on top of me and emo scarface nearby. Toga Himiko and Dabi: My two righthand man and woman. They came from rough lives. I saw them on the streets when I first became a vigilante, and they became the first two people to join my Mafia.

Before you ask, yes, I have fucking sympathy and a little bit of empathy. We are given too long of a life for a reason. Let's start with the explanations!

Toga Himiko is a psychotic vampire that continually dresses like a schoolgirl. She always has her blonde hair tied into two buns on each side of her head. She has a teenage face because she is a teenager with bright yellow eyes and fangs. She is an overall small figure, but damn she can pack a punch. Well, more like a knife to the gut as that is her primary weapon.

Himiko's quirk is a good reason she is here: Transform. If she drinks her victim's blood, she can become them. This is rather useful if we need to sneak in places to get someone. However, drinking blood for a quirk is not a good thing in society. Moving forward. Finally, Toga is my most common fighting partner if I am going to need one as we are both close-combat. Overall, she is an upbeat character in this hell!

Dabi is the opposite of Himiko. Male, spikey black hair, blue eyes, and looks like your emo friend who never outgrew the phase. The thing that makes him stand out is his skin. The skin under his eyes, his cheekbones down to his upper chest, and his arms to his elbows are all purple scar tissue held with staples. Don't ask me how that works. It just does.

Anyway, the reason for his skin is his quirk cremation: he can produce blue flames that can easily incinerate someone within seconds. And they say that doing so is a crime, yet they do it all the time legally?

I am calling bullshit on that shit. Anyway, Dabi is the one who gets rid of bodies for us...not that we kill often. We only kill if needed, whether it be because they are an asshole, it was a bad day, or for cannibalism. He is my range fighter, but he has been trained at short range as well.

With that bullshit out of the way, let's continue!

"I'm well aware that I am a dumbass. Now, how much time do I have to get ready?" I ask. I don't keep track of time.

"Ten minutes," Dabi informs me.

"You kidding me? I know I got lost, but hot damn!"

"You're an idiot."

"I happen to be a certified genius."

"Yet, you get lost three times a day."

"I have to have my downfalls!"

"Nine minutes to get ready."

"FUCK!" I throw Himiko off of me literally and run to my room, making sure that I avoid Mom. She would distract me more. Once I am in my room, I go to the bathroom to rip off my wig, contacts, and mask.

Time for the reveal of who I am!

Despite having murdered people in the past, I am a rather cute boy. I have fluffy green curls with green eyes to match. I have a babyface that hasn't started growing a beard but is instead decorated with freckles. I don't like wearing all black like I am now. I throw my funeral clothes in the laundry in exchange for some high-waist jeans, hot pink boots that go up to my knees, and a tucked t-shirt that says 'dress shirt' on it. Overall, I'm a buff boy with some cuteness mixed in.

God did well on me. Now, if he only didn't forget the quirk. Maybe he did that on purpose to get rid of me faster. Well, he can go fuck himself because I have survived this long in the hunger games.

Dressing took longer than expected as I have two minutes to make it to my office. Don't worry; I have a solution! Run as fast as possible! I zoom through the base to climb the ladder, run into Walmart, and slam my body into my office door. I hip-hoppity over my desk and fall into my chair with a grin.

Now, it's time to do some legal work, but let me explain! Even though I am a vigilante, I'm also on the police force as a detective. I can't do shit due to my age, but I can give them solutions and hope they follow through. If not, I do it myself. That's why the Mafia can get so much done. We have people on both sides for information. It is also why they haven't figured out who I am as a vigilante. I mean, Eraserhead suspects it's me, but he has no solid proof. All he has is shitty speculation.

Knock Knock

Speaking of the man, I sing, "COME IN!" My office door opens, revealing a hobo. Don't be fooled though; this hobo is a hero!

No, I haven't been drinking. I'm telling the truth.

Eraserhead is an interesting hero, well, an underground hero. This means he gets away with more shit, and nobody knows about him. He's typically assigned to vigilante cases and any other harsh circumstances you can think of. That's also why he looks like shit. He doesn't need to look suitable for villains.

Eraserhead always looks tired because he is a night hero and a teacher (don't ask how that works), and he doesn't put an amount into his appearance. He has long, messy black hair that goes a little past his shoulders, Gucci eye bags, and scuffle all around his chin that is attempting and failing to be a beard. Around his neck, his weapon, a long grey scarf, hangs and looks normal for emo. He wears a black bodysuit with a black belt, boots, and sleeves that need to be fucking repaired because strings are coming off of it.

Eraserhead's quirk is probably one of my favorites called Erasure. When looking at someone, it erases their quirk. While he does it, his hair rises with his scarf and allows him to control it. However, he can't remove mutation type quirks. Don't worry, people with tails; you are safe!

Oh, and he looks salty. Shit, what did I do?

Well, I attempt to make conversation, " You look like a bag of pretzels. What's up?" I tried. Eraserhead sighs as he moves to the seat at my desk and sits down. At hand, he slams a pile of files on my desk.

"I assume you saw what Virus did?" He asks. Straight to it? Alright.

"Yip yip! I'm surprised he didn't shit-talk the heroes there. Guess he had higher priorities." I'm disappointed with myself, but I have to worry about the old man.

"Yeah yeah, did you learn anything?"

"Villains fear him."

Another sigh, " We already know that."

"Uh, nothing new is revealed besides admitting live that he has injured and possibly killed some people. Do you have any other cases? I have the ones already completed from yesterday." I slide them over to him, and he opens them up to read over them. Oh, did I mention he knows everything about Virus? The problem for him is that I can adapt quickly, so take that, Eraserhead!

"Do you ever take a break, kid?" Oh, now he worries?

"Fuck no. Do you ever eat or sleep? Fuck no. You need to take care of yourself, dumbass."

"Maybe if you just reveal that you are Virus, I could." If only he knew he was standing on top of the Mafia base.

"No proof, Eraser. You seriously need a housewife, man." This is our weird relationship. We worry about each other, yet we start this shit.

"Don't bring that up here."

"I'm just trying to help you."

"You already know how to help. Do you have anything else before I need to leave? I rather nap than deal with you."

"I feel insulted! However, I have nothing for you."

"Fine." He gets up and starts to leave.

"Bye, Eraser!" I get a growl in return! What a rude man! Even after everything I did!

I scream at him, "GO MASTURBATE WHEN YOU GET HOME, YOU GRUMPY ASS MAN!"

I get no return on that. Hopefully, Eraser follows my advice.

What? It's a natural part of life!