Where the fuck am I?

Heaven?

Hell?

What am I talking about? With my luck, God and Satan probably made their first agreement together by saying I can just stay on Earth forever.

'Alright, God, here's the tea: we keep Izuku down there because he is going to screw up our world either way.'

'For once, I agree with you, Satan.'

Don't ask how I was created in the first place. For all I know, I was a one-night stand between the two. I just know they probably regret their decisions now when they look down upon me.

Jeez, I am so far gone if I'm talking about this.

I need to focus on the facts.

Fact number one: I'm still alive. I believe that if I were dead, my body wouldn't feel like it's trying to have a divorce with me. I kind of can't die anyway because Eri would be disappointed if I did.

Off-topic, but can Eri bring people back to life with her quirk? Wrong thing to be considering, and I'm certainly not planning on throwing a body in front of her and saying 'use your quirk on it and see if it comes back to life.' I deny she would have a problem with it considering the family she has, but I digress.

Moving on.

Fact number two: I can hear the fucking beeping of a heart machine. My god, it's pissing me off. I just want to reach over and punch it.

Wait, maybe I can. Just give me a moment-

"Oh fuck, that hurts like a buttcheek on a stick!"

"Izuku! You're finally awake!" A familiar child voice fills the air as I painfully feel her crawl in the bed with me. I open my eyes (ow, fuck my eyes) to see Eri beside me with a fussy look.

"Hey queen, what's up?" Besides the fact that I am pretty sure she is about to beat my ass for getting hurt. Don't ask me how she will manage it; she just will.

"You got hurt. Again," Eri says in such a harsh tone with her arms crossed. I might be scared of her now!

"To be fair, it wasn't on my to-do list."

"Excuses, excuses!" Jeez, she really has my attitude now.

"They aren't excuses if they are facts!"

"I still say they are excuses!"

Then, with my trash luck, my mom gets involved, " I can't help but agree with her, dear."

I sigh, " It's not like I go in and be like, 'hey, let's fight the world's top villain!' I usually plan before doing something like that!"

"I'm surprised you didn't have a plan."

"I did! Just under different circumstances! You know, like actually going in their base and killing him while he is asleep! Not start a fucking nuclear fight with him!" It's Mom's turn to sigh.

"I'm surprised you didn't actually do that."

"EXCUSE ME, BUT I HAPPEN TO BE VERY LOGICAL PERSON!"

"Sweetheart, I found you in a strip-bar drunk when you were supposed to be on an undercover mission."

"I don't know what you expect at that point. Anyway, can you explain to me what happened while I was out?"

"We lost you twice."

"Expected. You should know the upper beings don't want me by now, Mom!"

"You owe me a lot for the emotional trauma you put me through, young mister!"

"IT'S NOT LIKE I ASKED TO BE BEAT UP!"

"You should have brought help as I told you to!"

"They were busy on other missions! I was making sure all grounds were covered, and we are a little understaffed. Moving forward, next!"

"Recovery Girl was not able to heal you too much. She got your bones together, so they aren't shattered like they were."

"I don't remember that feeling." Mom is just ignoring me at this point.

"All Might won. The classes have returned, and they built a dorm system for all of them to stay in. Aizawa asked to see you as you were awake. You texted him, right, Eri?" Eri, who has been glaring at me the whole time, smiles brightly at Mom and nods. Great, I have to deal with him.

Wait, did Eri text him while looking at me? I see the phone in her lap- oh shit, she did. I AM SO PROUD!

Oh, and I guess yay to All Might for winning. Even if he didn't win, I would have defeated All for One eventually, so he made my life easier.

"And you are officially the most wanted vigilante/villain in the world. Good job, sweetie!"

"Uh, they are worried about me?"

"You took down the top villain in the world."

"True. Alright, when can I expect Hobo?"

"He has to escape his class first. However, you have other people who miss you too."

Like God has planned my life to be a show, the door bursts open, and the whole squad plus Stain comes out!

And what is the first thing I get? A slap on the face from Himiko!

"You had us so worried, Izuku!" She says as she sits beside me.

Obviously, I do not know when to hold my attitude back, "So I heard - OUCH!"

"YOU PULL THAT OFF AGAIN, AND I WILL STAB YOU MYSELF AND DRINK ALL YOUR BLOOD! GOT IT?!"

"Kinky~" Apparently, that's the wrong answer as she pulls a knife out and brings it way too close to my neck, "DABI, HELP ME!"

The brat doesn't, "You brought this on yourself. I will burn you slowly if you do it while Himiko does that. Spinner and Stain will join in the fiasco as well."

"WHY IS THE WHOLE WORLD AGAINST ME?!"

Stain looks between Himiko and Dabi, "I told you it wouldn't work. He has no qualms to dying."

Himiko turns to him with her stupid puppy eyes, "But what about Eri?"

Okay, this I have to interrupt,

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! PLEASE! PLOT ARMOR WOULD JUST BRING ME BACK TO LIFE FOR HER!"

.

.

.

"Okay, I might have overdone the pain medication if you are hallucinating," Mom says as she grabs the clipboard to check everything.

"BUT IT'S TRUE!" All I get in response is writing sounds. OOF!

Stain decides to cover the awkward silence, "You heard what happened with All Might?" Oh boy, what did Donkey Kong do now?

"All I know is that he won. Spill the tea, dad!" You know someone is used to your bullshit when they don't even react to you calling them dad.

"He got injured to the point of retirement. Everyone saw his true form." He looks kind of depressed at that He did like All Might, so I can only partially blame him.

"Oof. That means the crime rate has risen, huh?"

Compress takes over as he is our statistics man of the squad, "Dramatically. Fewer people are willing to join us, some have rebelled, and we are short-staffed."

"What about the Robo guards?"

"Being destroyed, so we need you to fix them."

"Hmm, I wonder if I can get Hatsume in the Mafia." For those curious who that is, Hatsume is a female version of me basically, so if I can get her on, the world is fucked. I saw her at the Sports Festival, and she did some bloody fantastic shit despite only being a support course student. She made it to the finals, so her inventions are something. I can already hear Dabi grumbling about the idea.

"It would probably help. Maybe some of the hero course students as well."

"You really think Aizawa is going to let me do that?"

"Probably not, but we can try!"

"The worst part is that you aren't wrong, Compress."

"We need everything we can get at this point, Izuku. The show must go on after all."

"True."

After that, we had a casual chat with everyone until they had to get back to work, including Mom, so that left me with Eri.

I guess I should talk to her, "Hey, queen?" No response because she is being a stubborn brat, "I'm sorry that happened, but you know how life works. This is the shit I risk to protect the world, especially you. Besides, I did come back, didn't I? Sure, I was kind of broken, but I can be fixed in no time!"

Eri faces me and nods sadly, "Can you promise to try and not get hurt?"

I offer a bright smile, "I shall do my best!"

"Thank you."

"No problem! Anything else you need to lecture me over before Aizawa gets his ass here?"

"He's been worried about you."

"That's possible? Alright then. I can deal with that when the issue arrives. I meant more of you." She's quiet for a moment until she sends me a baller of a question.

"Hey, Izu, when can I join the Mafia?"

"You are in the Mafia, sweets."

"I mean going on patrol." If I had water, I would have spat it out.

"Is that something you want to do?"

"Uh-huh! I want to protect people just like you, Izuku!" Uh, if you want a realistic description of what Eri said, it would be ' I want to beat the shit out of people just like you, Izuku!'

Welp. At least she doesn't want to be a stripper!

"Yeah, you have to wait a few more years. I ain't sending a kid on the streets. If you want to help, I can teach you how to boss people around at Walmart so I can focus more on helping people. How about that?"

"Okay!" Most people are probably thinking that nobody is going to respect Eri. However, she is so damn adorable that they will respect her plus more. Everyone will bow down to her and make her happy as can be! At least, that's my theory, and as a certified genius, this should be fact.

The good news is that I got Eri settled down, and we chat about how to run Walmart. To a six-year-old, yes. Problem?

The bad news is when the door opens up to reveal Aizawa. Okay, maybe it isn't the worst news in the world on the cover, but when the man is asking for you specifically? Yeah, that's when I worry. For myself, mind you.

Aizawa looks between us, then at Eri, and says, "Hey kid, can you leave us alone for a bit?" Oh fuck. Eri nods and runs to find something to do. OH FUCK. QUICK, DISTRACT!

"Hi, Aizawa! Like what you did with your hair!" This is the first thing I come up with. Seriously? I am expecting him to give me that normal 'I hate life' face I always receive, but that's not it. I only get a sigh!

WHERE IS AIZAWA, AND WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?!

Quietly, he walks over to me and sits in the chair beside, "Glad to see you are still your usual self."

"What did you expect? An identity crisis?" He glares at me. Okay, it's him. Maybe he's drugged. Thinking about it, Aizawa does look more rugged than usual.

"I was expecting something. You went through shit, whether you realize it or not."

"To be fair, I did get the shit beat out of me. I'll deal with the trauma after the fact- wait, why would I have trauma? I casually kill people on the daily. I get beat up once in a while. I went against a fucking Nomu, for Christ Sakes! How is this different?"

"That's just building, kid. You nearly died. With the injuries you have, I would be surprised if you don't have permanent damage. One day, you will snap, Izuku. This isn't what I came to talk to you about. Recovery Girl can tell you that."

"Oof. Well, why are you here?"

"I'm sorry." That's the last thing I expected.

"Uh, what are you apologizing for? You were not involved in either situation."

"I could have helped."

"Excuse me, but you have a class to take care of first. I am just the badass teacher that protects them. You're just emotional because you see a broken kid! Actually, I didn't know you had emotions, let alone a solid amount to care about me."

"If I didn't care about you, I would have arrested you, brat."

"Good to know. But am I right?"

"Yes."

"Alright then! We are good to go!"

Aizawa shakes his head, standing up, "Need anything before I go?"

"Stay! I'm lonely!"

"Seriously?"

"Yes. I'm desperate for conversation. I need the tea."

"Tea? What do you mean by that?"

"Oh, you don't know that language. Oof. What's going on with you and Mic?"

"None of your business."

"ARE YOU DATING?! DID MY TRAUMA FINALLY ADD TO SOMETHING?!" The dumbass decides it's a great idea to steer me off-track.

"What do you plan on doing now?"

"I don't know. I'm pretty sure my story arch is about to end because I killed the main characters of the story, so I'm just blabbering to waste time while finishing the plot."

"She wasn't kidding when she said she overdid the pain meds."

"IT'S TRUE! I ANSWERED YOUR QUESTION, SO ANSWER MINE!"

"No. Take care of yourself, kid." The asshole has the nerve to leave!

"GET BACK HERE- OH FUCK!"

Okay, maybe trying to get out of bed with practically every bone broken isn't a smart idea.

I'm pretty sure Aizawa left, so I'm stuck on the floor.

This floor is my new home.

Oof.

I'll need a bleach bath whenever the hell I get off this floor.

Welp, see ya!

---

Epilogue

HELLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LISTENERS!

I AM YOUR HOST PRESENT MIC, AND I AM HERE TO UPDATE YOU ON IZUKU AND HIS FAMILY!

I BET YOU DIDN'T EXPECT ME!

To give the ending some spice, I decided to completely take Izuku's spot because I have learned the art of pettiness from him!

Without further ado, let's start!

Izuku somehow managed to heal from his injuries, but he didn't escape unscathed. His mobility has suffered quite a bit from it, so he keeps his distance in fights now. That's not to say he can't hold up on his own! It's just his body is 'trying to have a divorce with him.'

His words, not mine.

Nezu tried to get him to become a hero, but Izuku wants to do what he can without the law, so he declined.

Not that he can follow the law anyway. He's wanted for way more besides his vigilante work.

Despite everything, Izuku got his shit together, and he helps where he can. Sometimes, he even sneaks into UA to help out like the idiot he is!

As for the Mafia, they are a tremendous help for the crime rate. It's still high, but it's certainly better than without them. Mafia is just great.

Walmart is giving me content for my radio show, so thanks, Izuku, for your drama!

Eri has taken over the Walmart where she can, and let me tell you that she is scary as a boss. She's too cute for anyone to want to deny.

I have a feeling Eri is going to be dangerous once she becomes an active member of the Mafia.

Speaking of members of the Mafia, Kurogiri passed away protecting Izuku. I'm pretty sure Izuku feels guilty about it despite brushing it off because Izuku didn't even make a joke at the funeral, so that says it all. He even did a thing where he took over an Endeavor sign with Kurogiri's face and wrote 'RIP Agent 420.'

And the important news of them all: SHOUTA AND I ARE TOGETHER!

A couple of days after the fight, he randomly asked me out! I'm pretty sure reality hit him that we aren't going to live forever, so he asked me out!

It's weird. I guess Izuku traumatized him enough.

Anyway.

Slowly, we are recovering from the impact, but when we do, we will be stronger than ever with Izuku and the Mafia on our side!

"MIC, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!" I should have known I couldn't get this past Izuku.

"I'm just telling our viewers bye!"

"HOLD THE DIDDLY WIDDLY ITTY BITTY MOTHER FUCKING PHONE! SINCE WHEN IN THE FUCK DID YOU HAVE 4TH WALL BREAKING ABILITIES?!"

"The whole time?"

"AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?! YOU COULD HAVE BEEN SOMETHING IN THE STORY IF YOU TOLD ME BEFORE!"

"EXCUSE ME?! ARE YOU CALLING ME IRRELEVANT?!"

"No. I am calling you a minor character."

"How did you get three stories about you?"

"Honest to Jesus and Lord and God himself, I don't know."

"I'm concerned."

"Me too...what were we doing?"

"Since you are here, tell your fans bye."

"OH SHIT, BYE, Y'ALL! SEE Y'ALL, LIKE, NEVER AGAIN!"

"So rude. Sorry about him, guys. Bye!"

---

Author's Note

BITCH, I AM FINISHED WITH THIS BOOK! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I don't have anything against this book. It's just I lost inspiration, and it went down the slippery slide called - there isn't even a name for it. It's just that far gone.

Anyway, thank you for reading this for as long as you did. You really should not have, but you did anyway, so congrats.

If you are curious about my other works, there is 'When All Hell Breaks Loose,' which is this Izuku, but he becomes a hero. There is also 'Hell is a Mess' where I do prompts sometimes from people on this Izuku.

I also have a couple of other story ideas that will stick with comedy similar to this, but I will be extending from the MHA universe for a little break before coming back and destroy it again in a way I meant to do it the first time but got off track.

Basically, I am about to destroy another fandom.

As I said, thank you for reading, and see you later!

Maybe!

Bye-bye!