There are reasons behind our choices. Whether it be miniscule like whether or not we think red suits our skin tone; or life changing like why we choose not to consume alcohol. Maybe we witnessed first hand the consequences that come with consuming too much, maybe it's left a lasting, frightening impact, maybe we wish not to have history repeat itself. Maybe just maybe we wish to learn from the mistakes of others. And maybe, just maybe... We wish to be better.

I had made it well known in every friendship I held that I did not drink. I didn't mind if others did just do not force it upon me. I'm content with being the designated driver, the drink watcher and bag keeper. I didn't need to drink to have fun, it just wasn't who I was, it's not who I am.

It came as quite the shock to realise I wasn't in hospital due to my initial thought - food poisoning but in fact alcohol poisoning. Thanks to my friend Jessica.

The betrayal I felt then was unmatched by any heartbreak or loss I had felt. And that says a lot considering I've known loss, heartache and betrayal all my life.

We weren't kids, we weren't learning our ways or getting to know each other. We knew each other. We knew the others likes from their dislikes, we could tell what mood the other was in without them having to so much as utter a word, we had shared secrets and pajamas, advice and shoes, worries, concerns and stories only we could share... And yet, in a moment of weakness both on her part and mine, we slipped up.

I had had my first drink. It tastes fruity, and amazing and made me feel warm on the inside - temporarily. It wasn't worth it. None of it was worth it. Not hurling in the bathroom unable to control myself, not the cold sweats or uncontrollable shaking, not seeing your friends and boyfriend so scared, not knowing what to do or what was going on and if I'd survive. I felt like death knocked on my door, ready to take me. I wasn't ready, I realised that.

There was so much I wanted to see. So much I wanted to do. So much I wanted to say...

Thankfully, I survived. Haewon hadn't left my side since Sunday morning. She couldn't. She was the only source of communication between me and the outside world. We couldn't risk exposure, so she stayed glued to my side acting as a source of comfort for those who wished to be here but couldn't. I could tell it ate at Taehyung. They had had to stop him from coming to the hospital on more than one occasion.

When we were alone, just the two of us, the doctor's and nurses off doing their rounds. Haewon and Jin FaceTimed. Taehyung couldn't wait and neither could I.

"Hey! There she is!" Taehyung says gently, beaming from the other end of phone. I knew him long enough to know that he was trying to put up a front. Trying to be strong. Trying to keep it together ; but from the look in his beautiful eyes, despite the distance, I could tell how upset he was at the situation, at the fact that we couldn't be together, that he knew I needed him, wanted his comfort more than the comforting beep of the machines and doctors around, no medication or doctor could ever bring me the level of comfort that he could, and I think deep down he knew it as well as I did.

I watched as his eyes fluttered as he blinked. Looking at me so gently, so lovingly.

"I miss you" I managed to choke out. Smiling at him. I really missed him more now that I knew I wouldn't see him for a few weeks with their busy schedule. He was off to America for the next two weeks to promote the new song, and prepare for their back to back performances.

They were leaving in a day or two and by the looks of it, I wasn't. The doctor's wanted to keep me in for observation having picked up on some abnormalities with my heartrate. Great. Just another thing to add to my growing list of concerns.

"I miss you -" Taehyung starts before we're rudely interrupted by a doctor and his residents. Haewon yanks her phone and walks off and out of the room.

I drown out the run down having gone through it one too many times. My heart sinking. A missed opportunity. It would be hours before I would be able to hear from Taehyung again. He was meticulous when it came to his art. Serious and professional. Nothing and no one could stand in his way of doing his job to absolute perfection. It was one of the many things I loved and admired about him.

Haewon reenters shortly after the residents leave. She casts a sympathetic look my way before conveying Taehyung's loving greetings. It only saddens me more.

"Uhm P..." Haewon says, her voice dripping with uncertainty. Looking at her demeanor I can tell she's uncomfortable.

"What's wrong Haewon?" I ask sitting up straight.

"Jessica's here." She announces. Nodding her head towards the door. I swallow hard. I wasn't sure I was ready to see her just yet.

I knew she didn't mean to give me a drink. I mean she was pretty wasted herself but I wasn't ready to deal with all of that just yet. All I wanted was to wallow in my bubble of self pity, feel sorry for myself and the fact that because of Jessica's carelessness I was now going to miss my boyfriend for a whole two weeks. The longest we had ever been a part really.

Haewon knows what my silence means. She knows my inner turmoil, she knows I'm mot ready just yet, lucky for me, she doesn't push it. She sighs heavily before walking off.

I would leave her to deal with Jessica. She returns a while later with a gift basket and teddy bear in hand.

"It's for you" she says handing me an envelope, probably with another letter from Jessica.

"Thanks. You can put it with the others please" I say not looking at the contents.

Her hand lingers in the air a while longer  before she tosses it into the drawer at the foot of my bed. My eyes catch the basket. It's filled with all my favourites. There's even a new set of fluffy pajamas from what I can see. Ironic as Jessica knew I didn't drink alcohol and yet here we were. Such a dark and depressing thought. I huffed, folding my arms across my chest.

"Listen... I think I'm gonna head home tonight. Sleep in my own bed" Haewon says looking over at me from the hospital window.

"You're leaving..." As if this day couldn't get any worse.

"Yeah... I mean you seem to be a lot better, judging from your charts your vitals are up, you're no longer dehydrated, you should be out within a day or two at this rate. I haven't been home. There are a ton of things to unpack and clean - the girls offered to help me out tonight - " she says this and I can't help but glare at her.

So she wanted to leave to spend time with her precious girls.

"Who?" I ask interrupting her.

She stops her ramble and looks at me confused.

"What?"

"You said girls. Who?" I ask pointedly.

Her sigh gives her away but I wait for her to speak the words.

"Penelope -" she starts but I want to hear it. I want to know.

"Who Haewon"

"Jung Dawon and Jessica" she says.

I feel these little tiny cracks in my heart, as if I feel it coming undone at the seems. I feel hurt and betrayed all over again. A part of me, the rational part knew Jessica didn't mean it, that it was an honest mistake, that she had good intentions, that her heart was in the right place but her brain not so much. I knew that , as well as I knew it wasn't fair to drag Haewon into it and have her pick sides. I knew I shouldn't expect her to. But it hurt, it hurt that she would be leaving me tonight to go and spend time with the one who put me here in his God awful bed in this God awful place in the first place!

They would drink and laugh and gossip, share their stories, tell their jokes, live life as if it were their last, become brazen because of the booze and make a bigger mess than before... And I wouldn't be there. I wouldn't be there to laugh along, and learn a thing or two, take in their pointers, I wouldn't be able to look out for them or clean up the way I'd want to. I wouldn't be there but their lives would go on.

Haewon starts but I cut her off.

"Go" I say. My voice emotionless. If she would rather spend time there, I wouldn't want to force her to stay here.

"Wh - Penelope"

"It's fine. Go. Go have fun with your friends. " I say immaturely. I didn't have anyone but her and here she was ready to leave. Now that I know she wanted to leave made it so much worse.

I bite my lip, trying to stop myself from crying.

"That's not fair Penelope" she says softly.

"Not fair?" I laugh incredulously, looking up at Haewon who stares at me in shock.

"Not fair? What's not fair is being confined to a hospital room because of something I didn't drink; because of a friend who carelessly gave me a drink against my wishes that you are now so eagerly rushing off to meet up with!" I yell now glaring at her.

For once I didn't care that I was raising my voice. I didn't care that I didn't hold back or save her feelings. What about me? What about my feelings.

Haewon stands rooted in her spot, mouth agap. She looks on her verge of years. It was the first time I had ever raised my voice at her. Usually she'd be the one barking orders or raising her voice but not this time. Now I wanted her to know that she was hurting me, that she too betrayed me.

She regains composure, looking down at her hands before looking up at me.

"Penelope -"

"Go Haewon. Just go. Enjoy your bed and your friends and your booze!" I say bitterly. Folding my arms across my chest. "Just ... Go" I whisper the last part as my voice breaks.

She says nothing. I have focused my attention on the white floors of my hospital room. She shuffles about before I hear her footsteps coming closer. I don't bother looking at Haewon and I think she takes the hint. She walks off and out of the room with not so much as a word and just like that I crumble. It was petty but for right now it was how I felt. Lost, alone and betrayed.

I cried myself to sleep that night, at the thought of my friends, my family and my boyfriend whom I missed so much.