Relapse continued..

The doctor that I saw was about 75 years old and hard of hearing so I had to talk extra loud. I had to explain my whole story in about 5 minutes. I told him how I have been feeling and what is going on legally. In the end, I didn't need medications. He thinks that I'm feeling this way because of the legal part of my case and it's making me sad again. I kind of agree with him, but this felt more than just "sad." He also explained how he didn't want me to be dependent on a drug and rely on that if this was only "temporary." I didn't want to take medication either because I thought therapy was going good and I should just stick with that for now. After I saw the doc he excused me and then I went to have a quick session with Layna upstairs and we just talked for about 30 or so minutes. After my appointment I went home, and I slept for the rest of the day. This was never discussed again with my mom.

~

It's hard to explain why this situation was my "trigger" for my relapse. J has so much emotional control over me. Even at this time I had an enormous amount of guilt and I was being pressured to prosecute him. I just wanted this to disappear. I couldn't do that, it was tearing me apart. When you spend so long blaming yourself for something, that eventualy becomes you're only truth. Deep down I felt like I brought this upon myself and that's where my guilt comes in when legal stuff is involved. I would say I have a good heart. I did not want to see him in trouble, or for him to not see my brother and sister, to see his nephews, to lose his job, or to not see his mom. But I need to get one thing straight. I do not forgive him for what he has done, but I have accepted the fact that it happened. I don't think I will ever forgive him and I am okay with just forgetting about it. I strongly believe this is a big part of why this is so hard for me. All I can remember is all of the good memories and all of the bonding moments we had. Not the many bad ones. I'm trying to get inside of my own head.

Thinking back, I think I liked all the attention he gave me. He always made sure I had everything I wanted or needed. He always got me coffee, a new phone, money for makeup, a new laptop, he always gave me rides wherever, all these materialistic things. The only thing I couldn't receive was love and trust from him. I always felt uncomfortable though, every day. There was this one time over the summer before my junior year, I kept saying how fat I was. I still hate my body. Back then, he never tried to say I wasn't. A couple days after I said that he came into my room and gave me pills. It was lipozene. So it is true, I thought. I believed that if he, an adult bought this for me then it was safe and it would work. They were huge blue capsules and I took them all the time. It didn't go well for my body because I was constantly throwing up but I still took them. He told me not to waste them because they were "alot of money." Whenever my little sister says negative things about herself I often hear him comfort her and tell her how "naturally beautiful" she was. This was true. She didn't need a ton of makeup like I do. She only wears mascara. One time us three were together and he told my sister how much more attractive girls who wear less or no makeup look way better than girls who do. Right in front of me. He knows I always have to have makeup on, but I didn't want to start an argument so I just stayed quiet. That hurt my feelings. This kind of stuff happened a lot and you just get used to it. He made me feel like she was his "actually daughter" and I was just kind of there. He was bipolar. He was either too nice, or way too mean.

90% of child sexual abuse victims know the perpetrator in some way. 68% are abused by a family member.

You would think that if you speak up about the person who abused you, then they would disappear from your life
permanently. My case is different. He is physically not in my life anymore but that doesn't matter if he still is "emotionally there." My mom has me, my brother, and my sister full time. They see J once a week, Saturday mornings for about two hours; supervised. I hate hearing about him. My brother and sister have no idea what's going on so they have no filter around me. They try to talk about how much fun they had with him and all of the gifts and money he gives them. Like I care. I really hope my brother doesn't talk about me around him, I'm sure if he does J quickly shuts him up. I always have to hear about the brand new shoes he's ordering my sister, the new iPhone she got along with a new case, and all of the cool things they were receiving. Who is feeling guilt now.

I researched a lot on what manipulation and self-blame was. I came across this..

"Self-blame enables us to protect our abusers because if we make the abuse about us rather than about them, we can maintain the attachments with these people who often play a very big role in our lives."

Silence is the most powerful thing.