Relapse is defined as the return of symptoms of depression before a full remission has been reached.

March 8th, 2016 - Spring Break

We are now on a two week spring break. Long story short, this was the worst spring break ever.

12:48 pm

I was doing so good this past month. Except today. I had an emotional breakdown in therapy today. Layna had told me that a detective had called her asking about me. So naive of me to think that my case was closed. I wanted my case to be closed, not that I didn't want "justice" but I didn't want to take any legal action. I just can't do that. How could I have been SO damn stupid!? I swear I was starting to feel better about my self and my life. Everything was going alright but I was wrong. I cried almost the whole session. I have never cried in front of Layna. I tried so hard to hold back my tears, but they just kept coming out. She said I would have to do another interview with a different detective. A female detective this time, in order to prosecute him. Layna thought my mom had already told me this. My mom hadn't told me anything and that made furious because of how cornered I felt. Everyone is asking way too much out of me. I am NOT strong enough for this. I thought I was but I am NOT. Layna was very supportive and answered all of my questions that I had. We talked about the justice system for a short amount of time. I had to ask to go to the bathroom because my makeup was everywhere. I looked in the bathroom mirror and I just thought, ew. Too bad Layna finally saw the real me. That was the real me and she knew it. I can't go in for another "interview" it's more like an interrogation. I refuse to do that again. I have fallen back into that dark place again. It felt so very good to be out of it for a little while, but here I am. I feel like I did in December. This was just enough to push me over the edge. I've tried I really did try. Harder than ever. I guess I'm really just not worth it. It's sad it's come down to this again. Why does he still have so much control over me? At first I fought so hard to become a better me. But now I'm just fighting for my family. I don't want to disappoint anyone, especially Layna and all of the nice office ladies here. My sister. My brother. Even my dogs. I just can't do that to them, so I will just hold on a little longer and see what happens.

As soon as that awful therapy session was over I went on a long drive out on the highway, and I just kept driving. I needed to get away from everyone and be alone. After about 20 minutes I decided to go to my grandma's house. I can always go there when I'm feeling down.My grandma has no clue what is going on so going there is the perfect escape. I could not go home I was so pissed and upset. I know my brother and sister would make it worse so I had to get away. I texted my mom and told her how mad I was at her and how she never tells me anything, so here I am thinking all of this was going away but she has been keeping it a secret from me. We got in a fight over text and I didn't come home until late. (I later found out that my mom never knew about the second interview and the detectives called my therapist before my mom) I have an appointment tomorrow at 11:45 because layna knew how upset I was. I can't do this. I would rather jump off a bridge than to do THIS. I'm pissed at everyone, at the world, at myself. I don't want to be sad.

Layna asked me today if I wanted to hurt myself. In my head I was thinking, I don't know if I should answer this, because if I can't answer it honestly I don't want to answer at all. I took a second to think, and then I told her yes and no. But the truth is, I don't see myself harming myself anytime soon. But I wish I would have when I had the chance. That is exactly what I told her too.

March 9th- Doctors appointment

1:17 pm

So I had my appointment today with Layna at about 11:40. I was so upset and I was having a breakdown. I told layna that I didn't want to be here anymore, and that all of this is overwhelming and I can't handle it. My depression is coming back and I'm not getting any sleep. She discussed with me that my next option is to see a doctor. Oh great, now I know I really am messed up. She described how the medications worked and who the doctor was and what would happen. I was desperate at this time so I agreed to it. She first called my mom, who was at work. I was still in the room when she was on the phone with her. I was afraid of my mom judging me on the other line when layna was describing how I felt and she told her I wanted to harm myself. My mom quickly agreed to see the doctor at 2:30, which was here in about an hour. She had told my mom that this was the next best option and the worst case scenario would be that I get hospitalized way in Vegas. That is really scary. But I can't take all this anymore it's too much. I regret saying anything in the first place. I'm sooo scared of what will happen next. I'm just sitting here in my room waiting until I have to go back to the clinic. I'm nervous because for the first time layna is going to talk to my mom alone. I have no idea how she is going to react. I won't be there to know. This is so so so overwhelming. I don't want to go.

2:35

I'm currently sitting here in the lobby by myself waiting to get called back to see the doctor. I am very fidgety and I'm breathing really fast. My mom hasn't showed up yet because she is trying to get off work. She made it just in time. They call me back...

To be continued...