"When bad things happen, the worst thing you can do is spiral down into self-pity."

I've never liked the way I looked for as long as I can remember. The self-hate I had for myself was very emphasized this past year. I hated myself for a long while and wished I could just disappear. I felt that I wasn't worth anything and wondered why anyone would want to waste their time on me. I always thought I wasn't good enough to be in this world. I thought I was ugly, stupid, and weird. I wished I could have been someone else for the longest time, and I still do. I currently still have a lot of self-hate for myself, but I have given myself some credit since I have spoken up. I even caught myself saying, "I am brave, I am strong, and I will get through this." So, even though I am not completely cured, I am still working very hard towards loving myself by trying to stay as positive as I can be!

I've spent far too many days being so disgusted when I look in the mirror, seeing my reflection. I even had some days where I could not even look in the mirror because I hated myself so much and I hated every little thing about me. It was really bad. I always wondered what my purpose of being alive was. I did not see any hope in my future. I honestly felt so useless and I saw no point in anything. All I saw was a living, breathing, waste of space. I always hated when my friends or a family member would take a picture of me, and I still do. I could be having a good day and when someone tries to show me a picture of me I automatically lose all self-confidence I had been holding on too. I refuse to even look at the picture they had took when they try to show me it. I have so many flaws.

I hate who I've become. I know there is a hardworking, strong, and maybe even a beautiful person inside me somewhere. But, most of the time I think about how far to the negative I've come, then get even angrier at myself for not working harder to become the person I know I can be. It's a daily struggle that I have to face. "Why can't I be happy?" There is always something in the way. "Why can't I love myself..truly love myself?" It's harder than it seems. I constantly am doubting every little thing I do, and it's tiring. What happened to all of my confidence that I once had when I was a little girl. It makes me really sad to remember how happy I used to be. I miss that girl who had so many hopes and dreams about how she would be living life as a seventeen year old girl. It's heartbreaking to think about how much everything has spiraled downward. Then I get sad again.

I can never wear shorts again. I have ugly, faded scars on my thighs and it's my own fault they are there. It is one of my many regrets that I have. I could not stand the embarrassment of somebody asking me what that was on my thighs. Why can't I just love myself? Why do I have to only focus on all of my flaws and insecurities? It's like I am blind to all of my positive aspects and it's too blurry to see them. How could anybody love me? I can't even love myself.

I am a nobody.

I just hope that some day I will love the girl that is in my reflection.