February 1st, 2016

8:27 pm

A couple of days ago my mom's close friend and her two children have moved in with us for a little while until her new house is ready. There are eleven people living in this house right now and it's crazy! We have my mom and her friend, her daughter (8 years old), her son (4 years old), my 13 year old sister, my 11 year old brother, and me.

I got every answer right on my economics test and I'm proud of myself because that usually doesn't happen! My economics teacher is really cool and helps me during lunch sometimes. It's better than being alone. I hate being alone at school. Even when I am around people and around my friends I feel alone. This past semester the library has been my sanctuary. I feel like I have a lot of friends and people to talk too but when the time comes not one of them is there for me. I've always felt alone this whole school year and I've always been left behind or left out. I have always been too scared to try new things and put myself out there. I have 5 classes this year and all of my friends have 4 classes. Lunch is after 4th hour and so they always leave right after class so I am alone for lunch. Just about everyday. I understand that they have work and would rather not be at school any longer and what not but lunch is only about 40 min and I would be fine if they could stay at least 10 minutes, but I guess that is too much to ask. So everyday when they hang out for lunch and go out to restraunts, I'm stuck here. The first semester of school I was so embarrassed from being alone and pretty much the only senior who is still at school out of my friends. Everyone else has so many more friends to hang out with. I guess I'm a loser. Now I honestly don't care anymore. Sometimes I would feel so upset I would always get picked up early last semester. I would always skip 5th hour but I couldn't do that anymore. So coming to the library is where I spend my lunch every single day. I'm surrounded by people who don't even consider my feelings here. My friends know that I will be by myself while they go out to eat and they don't even care. So I pretend I don't care so I don't look stupid and feel left out more. I can't wait to graduate.

Yesterday my therapist asked me at the very end of our appointment, "Do you like yourself?" I always answer everything honestly and I replied, "no." She gave a slow nod and she studied my face. Then we walked out to the lobby. So, in therapy today, Christi did not hold back on the hard questions. I get soo much anxiety the day before my appointment.... During the whole day... and even after. Like this feeling in my stomach that just doesn't go away. I'm just not good at feelings and getting into full detail and how and why I feel the way I do. She always wants to know "why?"

Today we started talking about how to love my self. This is a hard subject for me. She made me write down on a lined piece of paper all of the qualities I want people to see me as when they look at me. She then made me put a star next to every quality I believed I already had. There wasn't many that I put a star next too. She told me that everything on that piece of paper was the truth. That the negative feelings I had for myself were all in my head and that those were the lies I told myself. She then grabbed a pencil and added a few more qualities that I did not put. She wrote "I am safe" and she also added the word love. She told me this was the most important quality I could have for myself and I agree. This piece of paper is called my "affirmations." Christi told me to read my affirmations out loud to myself every single day. (To this day I still try read that piece of paper, everyday before I go to school.) She also made me write "I am worth it!" She made sure I had to add the exclamation point at the end! I need to practice every day and just "fake it until I make it" it's going to be a long journey because I feel so screwed up. I'm also really sad because she is getting a different job starting next Thursday. She is my first ever therapist and I feel like I've know her for so long in the short period we had together. I opened up a lot to her, but I am guilty of holding back some details. I'm going to miss her. I have to transfer to a new therapist and re-do this whole process. Nervous, nervous, nervous!

My affirmations

It's February 1st. This day one month ago my secret was out in the open and I was literally at my lowest point in life. But here I am... It's February 1st and I'm still here! That has to mean something right?
I can't stop replaying never let me go by Florence and the machine! That song is so beautiful and I could listen to it all day. If I had to pick one song that describes me and my life this would be one of them. My favorite line is... I'm not giving up, I'm just giving in.

~Never let me go~