April 2017

Right now I'm not going to write about the details of what had happened in the months of October of 2016, not yet. Truthfully, I haven't written in my journal for months, no motivation.. no drive. Though I remember every single emotion and the good and the bad memories that I keep mentally locked away. Within those months I have gained an insane amount of knowledge that was necessary for my growth. During those months I had major help with building myself to become a much stronger and wiser human being, but also I had been torn down just as quick. I also started medications shortly after that. I made change, real change and I didn't do it alone.

I want to take this time to share all that I have learned through this very difficult and confusing time. I wasn't sure if I was going to make it, if I was going to live to see another day or another month, but here I am writing
and I'm breathing
and I am going to be okay.

~

An incredibly wise woman once told me, "Keep on doing the same thing and get the same results. Or make a change. It depends on how bad you want it and if you want to be a survivor or if you want to be she who is broken and defeated. You have to make a change."

During this time, I realized that I was incredibly toxic for myself and if I didn't make a change I will not make it. "Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive." I constantly reminded myself this and the thought that the pain will not last forever...this will not last forever. I learned that every single thing in this life is temporary. Even the trees that are grounded with their roots so deep in the earth, and the way the moon sits so high in the sky a different position every time, every horrible circumstance that you have faced, all the pain, agony, guilt: it is all temporary.

The person we are during those dark hours are so important in developing a much stronger version of ourselves. Seek, connect, and inspire. Fighting this impossible battle on your own makes you lose so much hope. Find someone you can trust with all of your heart, who understands you, who will be there with you through thick and thin, and then never let them go. Having this person in your life is so important because when you realize that you are not alone and that you have a good support system, that leaves you with nothing but hope and faith. You are never truly alone, have you seen how many people are out there in this world? I can guarantee there is at least one person who will truly understand you.

Find your soulmate. Who said that soulmates were only lovers? I believe that these people who are by your side during the hardest times of your life really bring a new meaning to the word "soulmate." It could be friends, family, a teacher, or a stranger you have just met. It's someone who you can connect with on a much deeper and personal level, where there is mutual understanding.

I learned something that was very significant to me. I realized that we tend to see someone who is so broken and we want so desperately to put them back together, but instead we end up cutting ourselves with their broken pieces. You can not fix everyone and this was a huge lesson in my life. You will be so disappointed in life if you go through it thinking people have the same heart as you do. People will disappoint and they will try to destroy you and rob any sense of happiness that you carry. What is important here is to not let that have an ounce of control over your recovery. These people will always come in and out of your life and it can be exhausting, especially when you go through the process of trusting them, only to be let down repeatedly. Trust me when I say that this hurts like hell and it will feel like your heart and soul is caving in to where you no longer feel whole and the only thing you wish for is to simply not exist. When you feel so alone not even writing down your feelings can help you ease the pain. That feeling eventually fades, and time will become your best friend during this phase. Time, patience, hope, and resilience. Remember that it is in fact a phase. Many things in life are actually much like the grieving process and the phases that grief comes with. When you are feeling defeated and hopeless and terribly miserable all you have to do is remind yourself that this is all a process. Evaluate your surroundings and the people who are in your life and reflect on your deepest feelings until you realize that you will make it through this.

"As long as there is life, there is hope. As long as there is hope, there is life."

Breathe.
Please breathe.
Just breathe.
Breathe.

Every single day I had to remind myself this: breathe. When everything around you is too overwhelming and the anxiety tries to beat you down, breathing will help you feel much more calm and relaxed. It will also help you become more aware of everything around you while you try to grasp and control the situation. Take that moment and make it your own daily reminder to take a break from the chaos.

I learned that knowledge is a powerful weapon and the more you gain, the more it benefits you. Educate yourself as much as you can, especially when you are unsure of certain emotions or feelings that you will feel. I researched much more on post-traumatic stress disorder, therapy, relationships, depression, success stories, many other survivors, impacts of abuse, personality disorders and anything that I needed or wanted to know more about. Knowledge is power and the relief it gives you when you know all of the information and details helps you gain an accurate view with different perspectives. Learn to look at every situation at every angle and take control.

When you feel things so deeply it hurts twice as much whichever the situation is. People who you thought would be in your lives forever will let you down, but you don't need them to survive, to live, and to breathe. You take that hurt and you soak in all of the lessons so you can be more prepared for next time so that way it hurts much less and perhaps can be more avoidable. I smile while I type this because I know someday all of this will not hurt as much as it does now in this very moment.

I feel like such a hypocrite when I write these positive writings and reflections because I continually fall into this sadness that I have to live with. I try to inspire and help others so they can learn from my hurt even when I fail too. Each time I face these difficulties I always learn from my mistakes, from my pain, and from my expierences. I'm tired of continually watching myself fall apart. For awhile, I believed that maybe I deserved all of this pain. "Well, everything that is happening is all of my fault so I should just let it happen, I deserve it." It was then in that moment that I remembered that I do have control (for the most part) of my pain and which path I wish to choose from here on out. I am no longer that weak, scared and vulnerable young girl I once was. I will not let anyone take advantage of me ever again. I have control now. I will choose to be better and to try harder, that's the power of choice and that it is all up to you.

Regret will haunt you so always try to make wise choices throughout every circumstance. When dealing in the field of knowing someone who is suicidal or struggles with depression, remember this: You can not love someone back to life. Choose to be someone's 'soulmate' because what is meant to be will find it's way. Be there for them, for those who struggle and love deeply with all of your heart. Most importantly, keep fighting, do it for yourself. I mean this in a way where being selfish is necessary. Care about you and have self-care. Learn that you are valuable and that you don't deserve what you choose to put up with. I was also once told, "When you start seeing your worth, you'll find it harder to stay around people who don't." Surround yourself with those who care for you, who support you, and those who will not take you for granted. Be around those who love you unconditionally, who won't take advantage of you and who helps you grow as an individual. Those who do you more harm than good in your life will always continue to do so, if you let them.

I could write a whole separate book about every harsh thing that I have learned so far in my life, but for now I am enjoying the moment. It's a cold night and as the wind blows through my hair I close my eyes and I feel grateful. I need this time to reflect. I see purpose in everyone's actions and decisions and I make note of the effect that people have had on my life. The impact is great and will forever be carried in my heart, even when I take it to my grave. Still, tears drown my soul and my heart aches a deep despair, this emptiness that I can't seem to get rid of, even to this day.

I learned how to cope.
I learned how to survive.
I learned how to breathe.

To me, those are the most important skills to posses during those rough days..those tough years.

I used to wonder when does it get easier?

well. the answer...is it doesn't. It just becomes more bearable & bearable.

It hurts so much and it hurts worse when doing it all on your own, but it's not impossible. Some days are easier than others though and I found ways to manage them to where those bad days occur less and less. The weight of the world doesn't as often crash and collapse on top of me. Slow, but gradual healing has been happening, like my current medications are finally beginning to be balanced. That's one step closer. Although I still hold intense sadness, regret and still face multiple obstacles, I know I will make it. Even if I have to do it all alone.

~

"If you want to know what it's like to survive hell and still come out shining brighter than the sun, just look into the eyes of a woman who has survived intense damage and refused to allow it to destroy her softness." -Nikita Gill