January 20th, 2016

10:10 pm

I know that I haven't been writing in here for a little while but I have been very busy these last couple of days. I already had to get through my first session with Christi, my therapist. I was super nervous and I cried my first day... who would have thought. It feels good to cry, so cry if you want too. Last night, one of my mom's guy best friends decided to buy my mom a car. So now that she has a car I have a car too. I finally have a car! I drove to school today and its really awesome because I don't need to get a ride from my parent or an aunt anymore. So I finally have a car now.

I forget to mention a lot of stuff on here because there's just so many details that I need to get into. But I was just thinking about how I never mentioned that the police never did anything about my case. It was the case..... "your word against mine" and I guess they chose his word. I don't know how I could possibly make them believe me. That's what it seems like. They need to have an open mind because this is the reason why so many survivors do not speak up, it is way too difficult. It must be done, though. It's heartbreaking because everyone who goes through any kind of trauma deserves better. It is already hard enough to tell a complete stranger that someone you trusted took advantage of you and what they have done to your body. Yet, they want more and more? There has to be a way to talk about the pain without inviting it back into you. To reopen a wound that you have been trying so hard to close. I am not completely sure that they closed my case, because my mom didn't really discuss the legal things to me. But, as of right now I apparently did not give enough details to back my case up. Seriously. My mom probably is mad at me because she wants nothing more than for J to be charged.

I blame everything that is going on right now on myself. I am ashamed of myself even more than I used to be. Everything changed way too quick for me to be able to catch up. Do I regret speaking up? I don't know. I can not tell if I just made things worse or not. I see the stress that my mom is going through dealing with all of this and it makes it more confusing for me. I am very confused, scared, and my anxiety is getting worse. I worry about every little thing now. I must have done something wrong. But what did I do wrong?

We took my mom's new car for a test run all the way to my aunt T's house last night. My mom has court Thursday and Friday and I have no idea what it's about but I know that she's really really nervous to go. I know how she feels because I get really really nervous going to therapy but I'm working on that. Christi is really great. She's only here for about a month I believe. I'm trying to get as many sessions as I can with her. I am scheduled to see her for an hour Monday's, Tuesdays and Wednesdays after school. She had told me that she will be leaving for a new job in about a month. She told me she was glad she gets to work with me a little before she goes. She asks me the hardest questions and she has questions that I don't even know the answer myself. So I end up looking stupid and I know she says that she doesn't judge but I'm pretty sure she does because some of my answers are really, really stupid. I just never got asked these type of questions before. No one ever asked me how I truly felt, and cared to know the real answer. I never had to discuss anything that involved my depression or my "suicide attempt." For the longest time I was the only one who was there for me. So it is strange talking about it, but I see it as a step closer to becoming happy. I am finally ready to get passed all of this. This was all so uncomfortable for me. This was a whole new world for me and it is about time I explore it. It's time for a new beginning. I need to give myself a second chance. So I am going to go out and do something about it. I can not let this control me anymore.

"Life's not about how hard of a hit you can give... it's about how many you can take, and still keep moving forward!"
-Rocky Balboa

// Please, always remember that everyone around you is fighting a battle you know nothing about. So be kind. Always. //